Best Fictional Baseball Team

Not Jack Morris

Buzzfeed offers its picks for The Ultimate Fictional Baseball Team. A little too much Major League for my taste — Jake Taylor, Pedro Cerrano, Willie Mays Hayes — but can’t really quibble with most of it.

My pick for the best fictional team is the 2013 Astros.

Your picks in the comments.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

35 Responses to “Best Fictional Baseball Team”

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  1. Toasty says:

    Do Fausto Carmona and Leo Nunez qualify?

    +5 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Joe Maier says:

    No team of fictional baseball players can be considered the best if Pablo Sanchez from backyard baseball isn’t on the team. That kid was a stud.

    +23 Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. sporkless says:

    2005 Montreal Expos. Sniff.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Bob says:

    Missing the ultimate UT player in history: Bugs Bunny. Talk about someone who can play the entire field.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Damaso's Burnt Shirt says:

    Leela “Bean machine” Turanga. Worst blurnsball player ever.

    +11 Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Al Fer says:

    This team would get beat up everyday by Bingo Long and the Travelling All Stars

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. dzigga says:

    I’d include Huck Finn as the scrappy shortstop, Paul Bunyan as the towering, mashing RF, and William Faulkner’s Quentin Compson as the intelligent and neurotic soft-tossing lefty.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. I’ll just take all the kids from Street Sports Baseball on the Commodore 64.

    I realize now that I am quite old.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. Wimpy's Ghost says:

    Call, Call, Call, Call me Junior. *Turns head to see if anyone is laughing* *Head droops*

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  10. Matt says:

    Missing Jack Elliot.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  11. DerekJeterGiftBasket says:

    The potential Montgomery Burns ringers Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, and Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  12. Stuck in a Slump says:

    As soon as Kenny comes back from his suspension I fully expect to see Ricky Vaughn replace Mel Clark in the rotation.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  13. Bluebird in Boulder says:

    Kuno from the Ninja Blacksox,despite being short on personality, is conspicuous by her absence.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  14. Dave P says:

    Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez belongs on this team.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  15. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    The kids from Peanuts

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  16. gweedoh565 says:

    Murphy from the Mechanical Brains, until he broke down in the 6th inning.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  17. Sam says:

    Wait, hold on. You think Crash would be more bitter because he’s a AAA player? Wasn’t Taylor playing in Mexican Leagues when they found him? I’d be bitter as hell about that. My vote’s on Crash at the backstop.

    No. No, my vote’s actually on SPIKE NOLAN, but who knows if he can hit.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  18. Edwin says:

    Technically he wouldn’t be part of the team,but can we have Erico Palazzo as the Umpire?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  19. Nickname Damur says:

    Roland Agni, CF, Ruppert Mundys
    John Baal, 1B, Ruppert Mundys

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  20. MustBunique says:

    Bobby Rayburn CF? from the Fan should be in there, D. Varyu OF from Ken Griffey Jr Presents MLB, Muscles McFee OF from Griffey’s Winning Run, Steve 1B from the darker uniformed team in Game Boy Baseball, Kenny Sandoval SS from Angel Park All Stars, Sylvester Coddmeyer (the kid who only hit homers) from the Matt Christopher book.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  21. Jamie says:

    Sidd Finch. You can question his commitment to the game, but you can’t question his 168 mph fastball.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  22. AC of DC says:

    There has to be a place for the Mighty Casey on this team (Flynn and Blake, not so much). Not only are we who are statistically-minded certainly not going to dismiss a man over one PA, but the small sample size adds weight to the argument: His one failure was so significant that it was immortalized in verse. The guy must have an OBP way over .500 if we just assume he’s going to succeed, and I’d bet that if you looked at the whole picture, his Clutch and pLI would turn out to be pretty good, too. It’s the Mudville slugger for me.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  23. Brad Johnson says:

    Any team with Jon Dowd, Matt Derksen, and Ole Uttuslien circa 2005 is doing alright for itself.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  24. nu billy barooooooooo! says:

    Casey at the Bat, Smalls, Springfield Isotopes, Kenny Powers, Superman, Yankees in Chattanooga, Mike Greenwell.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  25. Toasty says:

    It may be painful to do so, but we need to consider the vampires of “Twilight.” That superpowered baseball scene almost made the whole film worth watching, much like the pod race in “Star Wars Episode I.”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  26. Smada says:

    What about the Whammer?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  27. Sue says:

    Pablo Sanchez
    Achmed Khan
    Amir Khan
    Kenny Kawaguchi
    Angela Delvecchio
    Tony Delvecchio
    Jocinda Smith
    Kiesha Phillips
    Stephanie Morgan

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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