Better Arm: Bryce Harper or George Washington?

A popular myth holds that George Washington once threw a silver dollar across the Potomac River. Right-minded people everywhere know the truth, of course — that it wasn’t a silver dollar but the testicles of British general Henry Seymour Conway, and that it wasn’t the Potomac River but the Atlantic Ocean.

Right-minded people are also aware that another strong-armed American, Nationals uberprospect Bryce Harper, has recently made his home at the mouth of the Potomac.

What we don’t know is which of the above-named and strong-armed Americans (i.e. Harper or Washington) is the strongest-armed.

To sort out this mystery, we turn — via poll — we turn to the metaphorical (and, in about 30% of cases, actual) sons and daughters of George Washington himself.

We turn to a poll like this one:





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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.


26 Responses to “Better Arm: Bryce Harper or George Washington?”

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  1. Patrick says:

    Johnny Damon

    +13 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    I think Bryce Harper and Rick Ankiel should have a throw-to-the-death.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Frank says:

      Harper – Walks ten paces, turns and purposely misses like a true gentlemen.
      Ankiel – Walks ten paces, turns, waits for Harper to miss, feels Harper didn’t miss by a wide enough margin to be gentlemanly, and buries a fastball in Harper’s chest. Ankiel then attempt to sell the Nationals back to Montreal and become emperor of a newly separated Quebec.

      Strasburg, Zimmerman, Zimmermann, Werth, LaRoche, Jackson, Clippard, Desmond, Nady, and Ramos all pretend to have seen nothing.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. TheGrandslamwich says:

    The tale of how George Washington obtained said testicles is an unfortunate lost piece of history.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Kick me in the GO NATS says:

      Conway lost them on the ship to NYC. GW found them washing up on the Jersey Shore just like all old medical waste.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Zach Sanders says:

    Other: Nathan Hale.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Mr. Observant says:

      Curse your lovely hide, Sir – but you have stolen my choice for ‘Other’. Hale or death!

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. deadhead says:

    Stone Phillip’s mom was a right fielder for the Milwaukee Chicks, in the All American Girls Pro Baseball League. She often led said league in assists but was most famous for what the radio announcer of the time called, “the best reach around in hard ball”.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Lance, Louis, and Neil Armstrong.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Steve K says:

    Chuck Norris

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. jorgath says:

    Other: Teddy Roosevelt

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. Johnny Hummusbeard says:

    Thought it was going to be “Harper or Geodude.”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Jack says:

      I thought it was going to be Harper v Geoncarlo Stanton. Then I realized that Giancarlo is spelled completely differently.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  10. Socrates says:

    If you can pause the video at the right moment in the 12th second you can see that McDonald was out.

    Also, remember that Harper threw out a runner in the first game but Ramos dropped the perfect throw.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  11. Randomdigits says:

    It isn’t up for debate.

    Steve Dalkowski

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  12. Will says:

    Where’s instant replay when you need it?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  13. Joe says:

    Not the Potomac River but the Delaware River – Much tougher throw btw.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  14. Erik Archer says:

    My write in vote was Bruce Campbell for his fine chainsaw work in Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  15. RamboDiaz says:

    Other: George Harper, clearly a son and a father.

    http://www.baseball-reference.com/players/h/harpege02.shtml

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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