Bottom Five Prospects: A Midseason Update

twinkie_mascot

5. Twinkie The Loon

According to Wikipedia, Twinkie The Loon was a mascot used by the Minnesota Twins during the 1980 and 1981 seasons. He has 47 likes on Facebook. Baseball Prospectus has called him, “a freak of a bird, with thin legs and goofy eyes.” ESPN named him the fourth worst mascot ever. He is unlikely to contribute this season.

4. Russell Addison

While Addison Russell, recently traded to the Cubs, seems likely to see time in the majors in 2015, if not sooner, Russell Addison appears to be the name of a man who lives in Australia, works as a business development manager, and has been almost entirely obliterated on Google by the Cubs’ future shortstop. I’m not sure whether to feel bad for people whose existences can hardly be noted on the Internet thanks to a more prominent person with the same or similar name taking up all of the search results or whether those are really the lucky ones. In any case, Russell seems unlikely to make an impact in the second half, at least not stateside.

3. Schottzie 2

Despite being a longtime member of the Reds, Schottzie 2, dog of former team President and CEO Marge Schott, was banned from the field in 1993. Someone tried to start a petition online to reinstate Schottzie 2 just this year, aiming for 5,000 signatures… and getting 127. Thus, it does not appear that Schottzie 2 will be making his (her?) return this season, hence his (her?) placement on this list.

2. Me

I was very diligent about keeping accurate statistics of my performance when I played Little League. There is one year that I was 1-for-47 with 41 strikeouts. (It is not hard to keep accurate statistics when most of your outcomes are the same.) Although more than twenty-five years have passed since that performance, I’m not sure I’m any better now than I used to be, and so it is unlikely I will be adding value to a major league team this summer.

1. Mark Appel

Wait– what?? Oh, sorry, I forgot, this isn’t RotoGraphs. Okay, let’s just say Mark Apple. An apple. Named Mark. On a tree somewhere. Still attached to the branch, so he probably won’t be playing any games this year. Maybe next year. Is his ERA really 9.57? Yikes.



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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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Thomas
Member
Thomas

Love this.

Reed Addison
Guest
Reed Addison

I see you’ve made quite a name for yourself Russell. Don’t become one of THOSE blokes, with a bloody big head.

Yirmiyahu
Member

Schottzie 2 is likely dead by now. Not that that changes the rankings at all.

jfree
Member
jfree

Yes the dog is dead. But reds have a long history of embalming dead leaders/mascots, putting them on display, and creating a personality cult around them.

The problem is that the Reds don’t seem to have embraced the proletarian vision of their team name. Or perhaps they are still confused – the dog must be embalmed/preserved before it goes on display. A rotting corpse on display just doesn’t have the same positive effect.

Paul G.
Guest
Paul G.

According to the New York Times, Schottzie 2 is a b… er, female. Given the New York Times track record, this probably means she/it is two rabbits, a turtle, and a garbage bag of second-hand lint rollers in a big, bad wolf costume with the word “dog” spray painted on the side. Or female. Hard to tell.

If she is still alive, Schottzie 2 would be a very old St. Bernard. Average lifespan for the breed is 8-10 years.

Jake
Guest
Jake

Appel plunks Newton in the head.

Burton Cummings
Guest
Burton Cummings

Because you obviously were an all-or-nothing hitter, I assume your one hit was a homerun. Way to go, kid!

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