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BREAKING: Adam Rosales Claimed by Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie

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OAKLAND — The sports world and entertainment world collided Monday, when the celebrity couple of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie officially claimed infielder Adam Rosales. Jolie, who has a history of adopting children from impoverished nations, reports that she finalized the paperwork this morning.

“It’s always been a priority of mine to save children from dire positions, and those instincts kicked in when I heard about Adam’s situation,” Jolie said in an official statement. “It’s clear that Oakland and Texas, Adam’s two guardians, are not fit to provide him with the support and care that he needs. He needed to be removed from that toxic environment. It’s no different then when I adopted my other children, except that Adam is a 30-year old man. And a millionaire.”

Rosales, who has been the subject of a heated custody battle between the Athletics and Rangers told reporters that he’s just happy to finally have a home.

“I’ve been shuttling back and forth between homes so much recently, I’m not even sure where my stuff is. I think I have nine apartments in my name right now. And I lost track of my car like a week ago. It’s going to be weird to not play baseball anymore, but it sure beats living out of airports.”

Athletics GM Billy Beane, who, in a slight twist of fate, was portrayed by Pitt in the film Moneyball, could not be reached for comment. Rangers GM Jon Daniels did voice his displeasure.

“I really wanted Adam to be a Ranger,” said Daniels. “I mean, not enough to keep him on the roster for longer than, like, a couple days, but the desire was there. Mostly, I just wanted to fuck with Billy, though.”