BREAKING: Bobby Parnell has a partially torn elbow in his elbow

Parnell

NEW YORK — X-rays have confirmed what was previously suspected: Mets closer Bobby Parnell has a partially torn elbow in his elbow. Doctors are unsure how it got there, or whether it was torn before or after it entered Parnell’s body, but they confirm that the partially torn elbow likely belonged to a former minor league teammate.

Whether Parnell ingested this teammate’s elbow as part of a dare or initiation ritual, whether it was placed inside of him as some sort of prank, or whether he injected into his elbow a syringe-ful of magic beans that caused a new elbow to sprout inside of him is unclear.

It is also unclear how the partially torn elbow made its way to Parnell’s elbow if that was not its initial site of entry. If the elbow was ingested, it would have been a difficult journey from the mouth to the elbow, likely just narrowly sliding past his carotid artery. If the partially torn elbow entered from the other end of Parnell’s body, there are additional questions that definitely do not have answers.

The hope is that the partially torn elbow will heal with rest, although prospects for its ultimate removal are grim without surgery. Any elbow-dissolving drugs Parnell could receive would likely destroy his own elbow in addition to the partially torn elbow, leading to not only the end of his pitching career but possibly the end of his lower arm entirely.

Doctors are writing up the case in The Journal of Elbow Medicine, and, rest assured, NotGraphs will be the first to publish that paper once it is completed.

(Photo: Charles Stewart Parnell, founder and leader of the Irish Parliamentary Party.)




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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2 years 4 months ago

fantastic

Dave Mustaine
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Dave Mustaine
2 years 4 months ago

April Fools. RIP Cliff Burton

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