Brewers Design-a-Uniform Contest: My Entry

The Brewers of Hot Hard Milwaukee recently held a contest that allowed the Internetter to design a uniform for said Brewers of Milwaukee. The winner — to the extent that anything is won in the this life — would have his or her uniform brandished for a spring training game.

Therein you’ll find any number of fetching entries — notably one that prominently features Bernie Brewer, that disowned Vuckovich brother …

Most excellent! Most excellent if you cow before the threat of Real Talk, that is …

You see, I have no doubt that the Brewers will find a winner that best represents their preference for varnished municipal lore. However, being as I am nightwatchman at the Museum of Truths, I’ll abet no such myth-making.

Milwaukee, as the name of their hometown nine suggests, is a town for Drinking Men and The Things They Drink. One does not go to Milwaukee unless Men Are About to Drink. Business? Conduct it in Dallas. Cultural tourism? New York and Chicago are there for you. Restorative escape? The Bay Area will see you now. Cocaine in a hot tub? The San Fernando Valley serves no other purpose. But Milwaukee exists for the drinking of drinks. “Let us drink these drinks,” people in Milwaukee say, “and then try to throw this clock radio all the way to Michigan.”

In light of those authenticities, this is my entry, Brewers of Milwaukee.

On the front we have a Milwaukee Journal celebration of the Wisky electorate’s decision, in the late 1920s, to embrace wholesome, nutritious alcohol in defiance of both federal meddlers and awful Protestants. The shoulder patch is the regeneration liturgy known well to the Hands That Built America. On the back we have bon vivant, man of letters and drink and secret native of Fond du Lac Kingsley Amis astride a familiar and always near-at-hand cock-and-tail. The cap? The front boasts a rendering of the hepatic rot that will be the death of all of us at the bar — that bar in Milwaukee. And on the back is the shitty omelet you make after a night in Milwaukee, U.S. the fuck of A.

Take me not for a knave, Brewers of Hot Hard Milwaukee. I know the score, and, yes, I’ll have another.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


12 Responses to “Brewers Design-a-Uniform Contest: My Entry”

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  1. Matt says:

    As good as Dayn’s design is, nothing is as good as the bowling shirt option:

    http://milwaukee.brewers.mlb.com/images/mil_2012_youniform/display/268600956.jpg

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  2. Heisenberg says:

    The Paint option is hysterical.

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  3. Bill says:

    Its not a funny option, but I really like the Arizona State Flag inspired option:
    http://milwaukee.brewers.mlb.com/images/mil_2012_youniform/display/271261369.jpg

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  4. Smooth says:

    If Dayn’s design doesn’t win, then there is no justice in this world, and quite possibly, no God.

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    • YHWH says:

      If it doesn’t win I’ll make myself not exist and therefore creation will never have existed and this thread will never have been written. Good enough? Now pass me a Schlitz and a nudie mag.

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  5. Micah Stupak says:

    As a native of the north end of Lake Winnebago, (obsessive) cocktail lover, and aficionado of the works of Amis père et fils, “secret native of Fond du Lac Kingsley Amis” puts a smile on my face like little else has. Cheers.

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  6. martyn says:

    This bolg has startled me tonight.

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