Brief Excerpts from Werner Herzog’s Guide to Baseball


It’s not probable, but certainly possible, that German filmmaker and ubermensch among just regular menschen Werner Herzog has written a guide to baseball.

It’s possible, if not necessarily probable, that what follows constitutes brief excerpts from that selfsame text.

It’s not unusual for men, the majority of whom proceed through life under the influence of meticulously cultivated delusions, to find themselves consumed by sick horror when compelled finally to confront the reality of the human predicament. The batter’s experience of a well-thrown changeup is a microcosm of this nauseous epiphany.

Many broadcasters and other baseball men take some joy, it would seem, in cheerfully reminding the public that even the best hitters succeed only three out of every 10 times. One notes, however: it is only those who refrain from invoking that well-used proverb who comprehend its harrowing implications.


The pitcher who has no idea where the ball is going, or the batter who has no idea where the ball is going: who is more terrified?


It is neither the case that Klaus Kinski was the Billy Martin of filmmaking, nor that Martin was the Kinski of sport. That would be to understate the transcendent nature of their emotional tyranny. They were parasites of the species, both of them.


Research indicates that the aging curve both for pitchers and hitters isn’t a curve at all, but rather a slope descending constantly from left to right. The immutable conclusion: stripped of all other attendant trappings, a ballplayer is most essentially a witness to his own obsolescence.

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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.

7 Responses to “Brief Excerpts from Werner Herzog’s Guide to Baseball

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  1. RonnyRocket says:

    Good stuff, but Herzog wouldn’t call Kinski a parasite.

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  2. Tom Rigid says:

    Almost. When I read it with his

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  3. Tom Rigid says:

    You’ve almost got it. When I read it with his monkish Teutonic quaver in my head it is almost but not quite right. He is more compacted now, less extended and articulated. Less German, perhaps; this is a relief.

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  4. Stinky Pete says:

    And what haunts me, is that in all the faces of all the Cabreras ever filmed, I discover no kinship, no understanding, no mercy. I see only the overwhelming indifference of nature. To me, there is no such thing as a secret world of Miguel Cabrera. And this blank stare speaks only of a half-bored interest in food hitting. But for Timothy Treadwell Carson, this Cabrera was a friend, a savior.

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  5. Del B. Vista says:

    I commend to Carson’s attention the appearance of “Werner Herzog” on the “Doug Loves Movies” podcast. In the latest episode, he appears with “Mark Wahlberg.”

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  6. me says:

    WTF I thought Warner was the Napa Know How guy.

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  7. Minnesota Declaration says:

    1. By dint of declaration the so-called Sabermetric is devoid of verité. It reaches a merely superficial truth, the truth of accountants.

    5. There are deeper strata of truth in baseball, and there is such a thing as poetic, ecstatic truth. It is mysterious and elusive, and can be reached only through hot dogs and imagination and WRC+.

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