Cabrera Denies He Still Feels Groin Injury


(via Rotoworld)

“No, man, I don’t feel it, I don’t touch it, I don’t rub it, I don’t do any of that stuff. Not anymore. I know all that used to be a problem for me, but now I keep my hands completely away from it, I don’t even think about it. I mean, that’s how I injured it, so I know it’s really important to leave it alone, put that whole area out of my head, and not aggravate the problem by going back in there and fooling around. It’s like, yeah, once it got injured, it totally hurt whenever I was doing anything with that, uh, region of my body, but it was the kind of pain that, I don’t know, made me keep going back in, like a good kind of pain, except it wasn’t good because then when I tried to play baseball with it, it was, like, really not good, really hard to swing and everything, even to bend over and pick up a bat, or a ball, or a video of people, uh, naked people, uh, no, like I said, I’m not even thinking about that anymore. So, like, I tried tying my hands behind my back, handcuffing them to my chair, all sorts of stuff. I thought maybe a stress ball would help, one of those little ones, squeeze that, get all of my energy out with that– obviously it wasn’t the same, and, I don’t know, I think in some ways it just made the urge to get back into that area even more powerful, it’s sort of an addiction I guess, but not something the Players Association has any testing for, you know? So, yes, I admit I was feeling the injury a little bit at the beginning, mostly late at night in front of the computer, but I promise, no more. Not since we got that child-safe filter or whatever it was that my wife said we had to get. I mean, I know I can afford to pay someone to figure out a way around it, one of those tech guys, maybe a blogger or something, but I’m being good. I’m not touching anything, poking at anything, not even looking at it, I am not feeling my groin injury anymore. I promise.”

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

2 Responses to “Cabrera Denies He Still Feels Groin Injury”

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  1. Urban Shocker says:

    it’s missing the fantasy analysis.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Clock says:

    Ty: You take drugs, Miggy?

    Miggy: Every day.

    Ty: Good. Then what’s your problem?

    Miggy: I don’t know. Maybe it’s that my drug is in my groin area.

    Vote -1 Vote +1