Can You Do What Shaq Green-Thompson Has Done?

Via thief of hearts Yirmiyahu comes urgent breaking news regarding the stat line of Red Sox 18th-round draft choice Shaq Green-Thompson. Mr. Green-Thompson is currently plying his trade in the rookie-level Gulf Coast League, and his bestowals to date defy belief, explanation and one’s capability to impart basic facts:

Woo, shit. Look at that.

We are doughy. Often — disconcertingly often — our flatulence is so severe that we require a nap in order to prepare ourselves for our regular nap. We have lost weight just twice in our lives: once when we got food poisoning after eating Gaines Burgers at the movies and once when we slept for 96 straight hours after walking up the street to Baskin-Robbins and back. We are barely ambulatory. We manage to combine scarcely prehensile hot-dog fingers with wrists as reedy as reeds. We are not athletes, unless drawing 30 wheezy, loaded-chili-cheese-fries breaths per minute while taking up the entire sofa counts as a jockish endeavor.

So this brings us to a necessary and urgent query: Could we, in such foul-smelling disrepair, replicate Mr. Green-Thompson’s performance to date? That is, could dumb, ugly we strike out 25 times in 26 at-bats, ground out weakly once and back into five walks? Or would we fare even worse?

Call-to-action Internet poll!

Thank you for exercising the franchise. Also, thank you for yelling for your wife to come downstairs and hand you the remote.

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16 Responses to “Can You Do What Shaq Green-Thompson Has Done?”

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  1. Kyle says:

    I could do that. I could make that goddamn McDonald’s Pizza, too.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Helen Keller says:

    I could probably do that. And yes I am blind, deaf, and dead.

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  3. MikeS says:

    He can’t be all bad. He has an RBI. Right?

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  4. Dave Barker says:

    Ugh, exercising the franchise sounds like a lot of work. Can I just Shake Weight the franchise?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Bowie says:

    I couldn’t read past the words “Gaines Burgers” — laughing too hard.

    Btw the Wikipedia page on said burgers is good for a few chuckles.

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  6. reillocity says:

    My GCL sources confirm that Green-Thompson, a right-handed batter, absolutely scalded that groundball to the firstbaseman, so bad luck is all that is separating him from a robust 1.000 BABIP.

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  7. deadhead says:

    I wonder about the lineage of this chap’s first name. Was he named after that movie involving golfers, caddies and gophers – Caddy Shack? If so, they mis-spelled it.

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  8. rambodiaz says:

    I’m exhausted from answering the poll question. I’ll take a nap and get back to you with further comments, maybe. I hear it’s Dollar Scoop Tuesday at Baskin-Robbins and I need to get someone to help me get to my hoveround.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. tyler says:

    The real national tragedy is that near-hit television reality series Shaq vs. did not achieve enough longevity for Shaq to vs Shaq in a 25 at-bat–off, the victor being the one who puts up the worst line while at least approximating effort.

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  10. jcxy says:

    pretty sure that i could bunt fair a mid-80s fastball twice out of 27 times.

    highly, highly doubt i have or ever had the batting eye to walk 7 times in 35 ABs at any level.

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  11. Spacematt says:

    we’re talking rookie ball, some of these kids are going to walk a hitter an inning even if the hitter walked up to the plate without a bat in his hand.

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  12. Chuck says:

    It sounds doable, except for having one stolen base. I could NOT do that.

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  13. Rally says:

    “highly, highly doubt i have or ever had the batting eye to walk 7 times in 35 ABs at any level.”

    Who needs a batting eye to do that? Just stand there and don’t swing the bat. Rookie ball pitchers don’t have control, they’ll walk you a few times. Worst that happens is he throws 3 strikes and you’re out. Which is no worse than Shaq has done.

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  14. Honest Gabe says:

    He is the #1 ranked safety recruit for football as well

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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