Can You Do What Shaq Green-Thompson Has Done?
Via thief of hearts Yirmiyahu comes urgent breaking news regarding the stat line of Red Sox 18th-round draft choice Shaq Green-Thompson. Mr. Green-Thompson is currently plying his trade in the rookie-level Gulf Coast League, and his bestowals to date defy belief, explanation and one’s capability to impart basic facts:
Woo, shit. Look at that.
We are doughy. Often — disconcertingly often — our flatulence is so severe that we require a nap in order to prepare ourselves for our regular nap. We have lost weight just twice in our lives: once when we got food poisoning after eating Gaines Burgers at the movies and once when we slept for 96 straight hours after walking up the street to Baskin-Robbins and back. We are barely ambulatory. We manage to combine scarcely prehensile hot-dog fingers with wrists as reedy as reeds. We are not athletes, unless drawing 30 wheezy, loaded-chili-cheese-fries breaths per minute while taking up the entire sofa counts as a jockish endeavor.
So this brings us to a necessary and urgent query: Could we, in such foul-smelling disrepair, replicate Mr. Green-Thompson’s performance to date? That is, could dumb, ugly we strike out 25 times in 26 at-bats, ground out weakly once and back into five walks? Or would we fare even worse?
Call-to-action Internet poll!
Thank you for exercising the franchise. Also, thank you for yelling for your wife to come downstairs and hand you the remote.
I could do that. I could make that goddamn McDonald’s Pizza, too.
I could probably do that. And yes I am blind, deaf, and dead.
He can’t be all bad. He has an RBI. Right?
And he scored twice! That’s the part that I can’t do.
Thankfully he can play another sport
http://washington.scout.com/a.z?s=147&p=8&c=1&nid=4816842
Ugh, exercising the franchise sounds like a lot of work. Can I just Shake Weight the franchise?
I couldn’t read past the words “Gaines Burgers” — laughing too hard.
Btw the Wikipedia page on said burgers is good for a few chuckles.
My GCL sources confirm that Green-Thompson, a right-handed batter, absolutely scalded that groundball to the firstbaseman, so bad luck is all that is separating him from a robust 1.000 BABIP.
I wonder about the lineage of this chap’s first name. Was he named after that movie involving golfers, caddies and gophers – Caddy Shack? If so, they mis-spelled it.
I’m exhausted from answering the poll question. I’ll take a nap and get back to you with further comments, maybe. I hear it’s Dollar Scoop Tuesday at Baskin-Robbins and I need to get someone to help me get to my hoveround.
The real national tragedy is that near-hit television reality series Shaq vs. did not achieve enough longevity for Shaq to vs Shaq in a 25 at-bat–off, the victor being the one who puts up the worst line while at least approximating effort.
pretty sure that i could bunt fair a mid-80s fastball twice out of 27 times.
highly, highly doubt i have or ever had the batting eye to walk 7 times in 35 ABs at any level.
we’re talking rookie ball, some of these kids are going to walk a hitter an inning even if the hitter walked up to the plate without a bat in his hand.
It sounds doable, except for having one stolen base. I could NOT do that.
“highly, highly doubt i have or ever had the batting eye to walk 7 times in 35 ABs at any level.”
Who needs a batting eye to do that? Just stand there and don’t swing the bat. Rookie ball pitchers don’t have control, they’ll walk you a few times. Worst that happens is he throws 3 strikes and you’re out. Which is no worse than Shaq has done.
He is the #1 ranked safety recruit for football as well