Can You Do What Shaq Green-Thompson Has Done?

Via thief of hearts Yirmiyahu comes urgent breaking news regarding the stat line of Red Sox 18th-round draft choice Shaq Green-Thompson. Mr. Green-Thompson is currently plying his trade in the rookie-level Gulf Coast League, and his bestowals to date defy belief, explanation and one’s capability to impart basic facts:

Woo, shit. Look at that.

We are doughy. Often — disconcertingly often — our flatulence is so severe that we require a nap in order to prepare ourselves for our regular nap. We have lost weight just twice in our lives: once when we got food poisoning after eating Gaines Burgers at the movies and once when we slept for 96 straight hours after walking up the street to Baskin-Robbins and back. We are barely ambulatory. We manage to combine scarcely prehensile hot-dog fingers with wrists as reedy as reeds. We are not athletes, unless drawing 30 wheezy, loaded-chili-cheese-fries breaths per minute while taking up the entire sofa counts as a jockish endeavor.

So this brings us to a necessary and urgent query: Could we, in such foul-smelling disrepair, replicate Mr. Green-Thompson’s performance to date? That is, could dumb, ugly we strike out 25 times in 26 at-bats, ground out weakly once and back into five walks? Or would we fare even worse?

Call-to-action Internet poll!

Thank you for exercising the franchise. Also, thank you for yelling for your wife to come downstairs and hand you the remote.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.

16 Responses to “Can You Do What Shaq Green-Thompson Has Done?”

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  1. Kyle says:

    I could do that. I could make that goddamn McDonald’s Pizza, too.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Helen Keller says:

    I could probably do that. And yes I am blind, deaf, and dead.

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  3. MikeS says:

    He can’t be all bad. He has an RBI. Right?

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  4. Dave Barker says:

    Ugh, exercising the franchise sounds like a lot of work. Can I just Shake Weight the franchise?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Bowie says:

    I couldn’t read past the words “Gaines Burgers” — laughing too hard.

    Btw the Wikipedia page on said burgers is good for a few chuckles.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. reillocity says:

    My GCL sources confirm that Green-Thompson, a right-handed batter, absolutely scalded that groundball to the firstbaseman, so bad luck is all that is separating him from a robust 1.000 BABIP.

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  7. deadhead says:

    I wonder about the lineage of this chap’s first name. Was he named after that movie involving golfers, caddies and gophers – Caddy Shack? If so, they mis-spelled it.

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  8. rambodiaz says:

    I’m exhausted from answering the poll question. I’ll take a nap and get back to you with further comments, maybe. I hear it’s Dollar Scoop Tuesday at Baskin-Robbins and I need to get someone to help me get to my hoveround.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. tyler says:

    The real national tragedy is that near-hit television reality series Shaq vs. did not achieve enough longevity for Shaq to vs Shaq in a 25 at-bat–off, the victor being the one who puts up the worst line while at least approximating effort.

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  10. jcxy says:

    pretty sure that i could bunt fair a mid-80s fastball twice out of 27 times.

    highly, highly doubt i have or ever had the batting eye to walk 7 times in 35 ABs at any level.

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  11. Spacematt says:

    we’re talking rookie ball, some of these kids are going to walk a hitter an inning even if the hitter walked up to the plate without a bat in his hand.

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  12. Chuck says:

    It sounds doable, except for having one stolen base. I could NOT do that.

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  13. Rally says:

    “highly, highly doubt i have or ever had the batting eye to walk 7 times in 35 ABs at any level.”

    Who needs a batting eye to do that? Just stand there and don’t swing the bat. Rookie ball pitchers don’t have control, they’ll walk you a few times. Worst that happens is he throws 3 strikes and you’re out. Which is no worse than Shaq has done.

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  14. Honest Gabe says:

    He is the #1 ranked safety recruit for football as well

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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