Archive for Actual Thing

Introducing the First (And Last) Notty Awards

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Here at NotGraphs, we like to write the words “Here at NotGraphs.” This helps to distinguish us from people at other locations – people who might write the words “Here at Mensa” or “Here at Sticky Steve’s Wonderful World of Gently Pre-Owned Hustler Magazines.” Here at NotGraphs, writing “Here at NotGraphs” also gives us a shared identity, even if, here at NotGraphs, we actually live far apart from each other and only rarely invite the others over for pepper pickling or quilt quilting. (This is to say nothing of pepper quilting, which, if done incorrectly, can sting.)

Here at NotGraphs, this inclination to write “Here at NotGraphs” also serves to remind us that, you know, we really do write for NotGraphs, often in the same calendar week and always with the same source material, i.e., Shecky Greene’s Wonderful World of Gently Pre-Owned Jokes, even though there is no actual here here. Sadly, however, this sharing of identity and material will have its rendering unto immutable history when upon the final out of Joe Buck’s Global Series of Base-ball our blog shall notch its appointment with the executioner.

Here at NotGraphs, we will no longer be here at NotGraphs.

And so, in recognition of the many achievements here at NotGraphs, and in a valediction to the writers who are still – what’s the word I’m looking for here? – here (sort of), I present to you the First (And Last) Notty Awards.

Exit through the gift shop.

Best Writer Of A Post About The First And Last Notty Awards

John Paschal

Best Editor Of A Post About First And Lust Notty Awards

John Paschal

Best Writer Who Goes By The Name Carson Cistulli

Carson Cistulli

Best Writer Whose Name Includes That Of A U.S. State

Mississippi Matt Smith, Iowa Mike Bates (tie)

Best Writer Whose Name Evokes The State Of Iowa

Iowa Mike Bates, Patrick Dubuque (tie)

Best Use Of A Middle Initial

David G. Temple, Robert J. Baumann, Carson C. Stulli (tie)

Best Misspelling Of The Name “Dane”

Eno Sarris

Best Alternate Spelling Of The Name “Dane”

Navin Vaswani, Dayn Perry (tie)

Best Englishman Living In Central Mexico

Craig Robinson, Nigel Smythe-Gonzalez (tie)

Best Non-Englishman Living In The United States

’Murcan John Paschal

Best Writer To Enter Witness Protection As Rolando Blackman

Jeremy Blachman

Best Writer Whose Name Sounds Like That Of A Network Anchor

Zach Reynolds

Best Writer Whose Name Could Have Been Spelled “Zack”

Zach Reynolds, Dayn Perry (tie)

Best Writer Whose Surname Includes The Word For A Distilled Liquor

Bradley Woodrum, Bradley Steeltequila (tie)

Best Writer Whose First Name Is “Bradley”

Bradley Woodrum, Bradley Steeltequila (tie)

Best Writer Whose Surname Is The Word For A Place Of Worship

David G. Temple, Patrick Dubuque (tie)

Best Writer At Assuming Dubuque, Iowa, Has Many Places Of Worship

John Paschal, Pat Robertson (tie)

Best Writer At Not Actually Writing For NotGraphs

Pat Robertson, Nigel Smythe-Rodriguez, Rodney Steeltequila (tie)

Best Writer Of The Hopeless Joe Series

Hopeless Joe (accepting for Mr. Joe will be Rolando Blackman)

Best Writer Of The Ironic Jersey Omnibus Series

Patrick Dubuque (accepting for Mr. Dubuque will be Patrick Des Moines)

Best Writer Of Minimalist Short Fiction Starring Adrian Beltre

Adrian Beltre (with Dayn Perry and Mitch Albom)
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For Seriously Though, Let’s Play Fungo Golf

Regular golf is for aristocrats; frisbee golf is for hipsters — and now we have a game for the shirsey-wearing once-jock, the be-pit-stained fan of stretchy shorts and gaudy, utilitarian sunglasses. I present, ladies and gentlefolk, Fungo Golf:

The question is not: Who thinks that looks fun? The question is: Who wants to join my new league?

This hat tip goes, as they all do eventually, like a bottle rolled down hill, to the Well-Beered English Sir.


Announcing the NotGraphs Player of the Year Award

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Here at NotGraphs, we take comedy seriously. Example: Each morning, rather than perform the standard 500 knee bends and 500 jumping jacks, I stand on the porch and quip 1,000 times, “I just got out of bed and, boy, are my arms tired!” Additional example: Each night as I go to bed, instead of brushing my standard teeth and reciting the standard prayers, I commence the ancient practice of pretending to churn butter, which is something I do throughout the night and into the morning.

I’m not sure what churning butter – or pretending to churn butter – has to do with serious comedy, but the point is this: Using the newly announced FanGraphs Player of the Year Award as our muse and guide, we here at NotGraphs do hereby announce the NotGraphs Player of the Year Award!

(Hold for applause.)

(While holding for applause, brush teeth.)
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Introducing the New SCOUT Leaderboard

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This is Noah Syndergaard, Mets pitching prospect. Would you like to see his statistics, perhaps cycled through Carson Cistulli’s famed SCOUT formula? Well, go ahead type in “SCOUT Leaderboard” into the Fangraphs search bar. I’ll wait.

I have created a transcript of your failed endeavours below.
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Don’t Be Cynical: You’ve Been Ice Bucket Challenged

I donned my finest, most sultry workout clothes, braved the balmy Florida heat, and then promptly challenged you, dear NotGraphs reader, to be very not cynical, to fasten your not-cynical pants high upon your pale, voluptuous waist, and ice bucket yourself (if’n you’ve not already done so).

Here’s how it works:

Accept or Decline the Invitation
If you decline, you give the ALS Association — which fights Lou Gehrig‘s disease — $100. You also must brand your forehead with a serif’d “i,” for “invalid” — as in: incapable of icing one’s forehead.

If you Challenge Accepted the challenge, then you hurl a bucket of ice upon your person and then you have the option to make a donation of your chosen value. I chose $15, which is approximately the equal 25 NotGraphs paychecks.

Bucket the Ice
Add water. Introduce the concoction to your head zone. Film this act for proofiness, and then share the proof in the comments here. Anyone who accepts (or previously accepted) and then shares the video in comments will have their video shared in a subsequent post.

If No One Accepts
Then maybe we NotGraphers are just too cynical and maybe we don’t deserve to have NotGraphs. This stupid challenge has already raised millions of dollars.

You have 24 hours!

(from the moment you read this)

Observations from My Own Bucketing
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Ticket Information for the Italian Baseball Series

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The purpose of this weblog post is to inform that considerable portion of the readership who’d previously requested information regarding same, that tickets for the Italian Baseball Series of 2014 between Unipol Bologna and ASD Rimini, starting August 15th, are now available. The cost is €15 per game or €25 for the first and second games combined. Fans who are either 65-plus or a member of the military — which is to say, the Italian military — may purchase a reduced-price ticket for €12 (€20 combined for the first and second games).


One Thing You Probably Already Knew About Jose Altuve

Cleveland Indians v Houston Astros

Jose Altuve is awesome.

That is all.


Where Should I Put This Booger

Where should I put this booger I have picked.
Shall I put it on my shirt?
Shall I put it on the seat in front of me?
Shall I contemplate it for a while?
Shall I eat it?
Shall I let it drop?
Where should I put this booger I have picked.

PickNose


How Boring Must a Minor League Clubhouse Be?

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Deadspin reports on the latest prank against Jeff Francoeur (just called up to the majors, where he will likely succeed for a little while before reverting to his usual not-so-selective self).

I watched the video so you don’t have to: they lock him in a bathroom, and he escapes through the ceiling tiles.

It is a very boring video.

I mean, I’m not saying life over here is any more interesting, but it is a very, very boring video, with the only notable thing being how amused all of the players seem to be about the fact that they have locked someone in the bathroom.

I tried the same stunt with my mother-in-law and it was not nearly so funny.*

*I did not. But I needed an ending for this post.


THREE Genuine True FACTS About Munenori Kawasaki

FACT #1:

Munenori Kawasaki is the starting second baseman for the not-tanking Toronto Blue Jays. (He has played in all by 1 games since June 17.) (And he has an 89 wRC+.)

FACT #2:

According to Scientific Projections, Munenori Kawasaki will be the greatest hitter in baseball within the next five years:

Munenori Kawasaki Projection

Kawasaki Projection

FACT #3:

Muni is not at all terrible at defense:


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