Archive for Adventures of Joe West

Joe West Does Us a Solid

Over the weekend most recent, you may have noticed a foul-smelling interloper in our midst. He is unwelcome. He is a boor. His ripping flatulence has despoiled the taffeta furnishings. We all wish he would go away and leave us to our base-ball.

You know, they call Joe West a cowboy because he is exactly that. For instance, upon discovering that this town was not big enough for both him and the dread cattle-rustler and claim-jumper Doomsday Beans-Doogan, he did away with Mr. Beans-Doogan. So we call upon you, Sire West, to please escort this mouth-breathing intruder off the premises …

Thank you, Joe West. Thank you.


Joe West Tosses SOPA

Joe West wants the Internet to be free. We stand united.

SOPA: You’re outta here.

Original image credit: Salon.com.


Joe West Tosses 2011

NotGraphs’ Highly Reputable and Totally Real Think Tank has personally informed me know that as 2011 ends, so too does our first full calendar year on the immaculate Internet. We had fun this year. We hope you did, too.

Thanks for reading NotGraphs in 2011, and I wish you and yours a most prosperous new year. Here’s to 2012. As Roy Halladay once oh-so-eloquently put it: “It’s only gonna get funner.

Oh yeah: 2011, you’re gone!

On Friday March 4, 2011, shortly after 6:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, reader Matt. D. sent us a whited-out picture of Joe West, along with the words, “if you have some time, have some fun!” We had time. We definitely had fun. Today, Joe West is at home in the NotGraphs logo. Personally, I like to think that Joe West — and Dick Allen — own honorary NotGraphs degrees. (Even though we don’t award honorary degrees. That’s how exclusive they are.) Anyway, thank you, Matt. May your light shine brightest in 2012. And, on a somewhat related note, the original 2011 image up there comes to you via PSD Graphics and Development Horizons. Both of them. A real team effort. Thank you, too.


Poll: Who Is the MLB Krampus?


Is the world ready for Bud Krampus?

Thanks to everyone for your nominations for the MLB Krampus. There were a lot of them — too many to include in a single poll, in fact. So, I pared away some potential nominees that I didn’t see fitting into the Krampus way of life. Sorry to disappoint anyone.

There were some nominees that I expected (Selig, Cobb), some that were frightening surprises (Joe West), and some dark horses that I was hoping someone would nominate (Marge Schott).

I hope you’ll all vote, and vote carefully. Remember, the crowning of the Krampus is a serious matter: he determines how your children taste when they are eaten by other children.

I’ve included photos of all of the nominees, for your viewing pleasure horror.

Read the rest of this entry »


Joe West Ejected the UC Davis Pepper Spray Cop

By now the reader is likely to have seen photos or video of this riot cop who last week attempted to disperse a group of #Occupy protesters at the University of California, Davis by nonchalantly pepper spraying them in their faces.

Since footage of the incident hit the web, there has been a mad dash to learn more about the “UC Davis Pepper Spray Cop.”

I am pleased to say that I have unearthed more details about this man’s past. Photographic evidence I have received by way of an anonymous tipster appears to show that as recently as five months ago, the UC Davis Pepper Spray Cop was an employee of the Vancouver Police Department. On the night of June 15, 2011, this officer was deployed to downtown Vancouver to assist in containing the riot that had broken out following the Canucks’ loss in the Stanley Cup Finals. Sure enough, he helped a rioter who had surrendered himself for arrest to a face full of pepper spray on this night as well.

Fortunately, baseball’s preeminent authoritarian personality, Joe West, was there to eject the Vancouver Police Department’s preeminent authoritarian personality on the spot:

The disgraced Vancouver Pepper Spray Cop then assumed the name “John Pike” and fled Canada for the United States using falsified documents. He settled in Davis, California and took a job on the UC Davis police force and the rest is history.

When reached for comment about this cop somehow being allowed to spray again, West said “It’s a sad day for me, and a sad day for our country. Maybe some good can come of this, though. Maybe the gosh darn government will finally listen to my recommendations on who should be allowed entry into our country.”

“Oh, and buy my country western album, Blue Cowboy!” he added.


Joe West Tosses Frank McCourt

Recently, after a raucous night of country music and beers, Joe West looked at us, the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team, and wistfully said, “I hate what’s become of the Dodgers.”

Us too, Cowboy Joe. Us too.

It took a while, longer than any of us expected, but Joe West always gets his man.

Frank McCourt: You’re finally, mercifully, thankfully … outta here!

Original image courtesy of Zimbio.


Sorry, Cowboy Joe

In a bit of breaking news, we here at NotGraphs have been able to procure the video footage of Bud Selig breaking the news to Cowboy Joe West that his services would not be needed for the Championship Series’.

However, in the spirit of WCW pay-per-views from 1997, we’re only able to show you stills of the video. Sit back and enjoy.

Read the rest of this entry »


When Crying at the Little League World Series is OK

Many, many tears have been shed at the Little League World Series. A bit too many, for my liking. But even I have my limits. Even I understand when someone’s gone too far, and when crying in baseball is completely acceptable.

Sure, Cumberland, Rhode Island’s young Christopher Wright struck out to end the game, his New England squad went down in defeat, again, and their dream of a Little World Series title died a gut-wrenching death. But that did kitten really have to die? How many kittens will be sacrificed in the Little League World Series until we all stand up and say, “No. Enough!”

Even Joe West thought the umpire, caught in the despicable act above, went too far. When reached for comment by our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team, West said only this:

He’s gone!

At this time, we’re unable to determine whether Cowboy Joe meant the umpire, or the kitten. Both, perhaps.

H/Ts: The Score’s @JerkInTheCorner for the lovely Photoshop-age, and The Associated Press, via daylife, for the original image. Keep up the great work. All of you.


John Smoltz: The Smartest Man Alive

Much like ESPN’s Buster Olney, I love anecdotes. Especially  baseball anecdotes. And most especially  if said baseball anecdotes are about, or have anything at all to do with, Joe West. The above, that’s a pretty good Joe West baseball anecdote.

I can’t help but wonder what Joe West was thinking, his tunes playing over Fenway Park’s speakers. I wonder if the fans were frightened. Massholes, help a brother out: Were you there? Do you remember this incredible occasion?

I also can’t help but wonder if John Smoltz had to do everything in his power to keep a straight face during his warm-up. And, most of all, I wonder if the tribute helped Smoltz’s strike zone.

Smoltz took the loss that fateful night, July 26, 2009. To Baltimore, no less. He allowed six runs in five innings, and gave up nine hits. He struck out six, and walked one. But it hardly mattered. Thanks to his warm-up, Smoltz had already won.


Joe West Ejects Dumb, Stupid Leukemia

If for some reason you haven’t heard, I regret to be the one informing you that FanGraphs’ First and Only Full-Time Employee Dave Cameron has leukemia.

This news makes me, Carson Cistulli, upset. Despite the fact that he looks strange and hasn’t seen a movie since 1987, Dave Cameron is a truly thoughtful man and, if I may say, a dear friend. I believe I speak for everyone on the NotGraphs masthead, when I say that we look forward to Cameron recovering fully.

Joe West has a different approach, though. When he learned this morning about Cameron’s condition, he did the only thing that Joe West really knows how to do: he frigging tossed leukemia.

Though most of us have likely questioned West’s decision-making at one point or another, I think it’s clear that West’s instincts are entirely flawless in this matter.

All of which leads me to this entirely giant and heartfelt message:

Get better, Dave Cameron! You ARE FanGraphs, sir!