Archive for Audio and/or Visual

More Bad Spring Training Pics

As fans, when Spring Training comes round, we thirst for any whispers coming from down south. The more we hear about baseball, the more real it becomes. Reporters know this, and have taken to tweeting out pictures from Spring Training camps to feed our insatiable hunger. Some aren’t so great. They can be blurry, or taken from a far distance, or not really actually of anything of note. There is a whole Internet web site devoted to this. We may poke fun, but I still consider these art. With that idea in mind, I have created my own Bad Spring Training Pics using nothing but Google and a free image editing computer program. I’m not at Spring Training yet, but that does not mean I can’t partake in some of this good-time action.

The entrance to Salt River Flats in Arizona


Byron Buxton’s elbow


Salvador Perez’s ear


Joe Girardi’s swimsuit area


The brim of Carlos Marmol’s hat

A Rey Ordóñez Highlight Reel Sponsored by the New Dodge

Because he’s only watched a third of it, the author can’t guarantee that there isn’t some manner of dirty sexy business secretly inserted into the video embedded here.

What the author can guarantee, however, is footage of the following:

  • Rey Ordonez; and
  • John Franco; and
  • John Franco’s Impetuous Moustache.

Credit to citizen of the internet @_mistermet for alerting his brothers and sisters to this video.

Video: Seth Meyers Praises RBI Baseball Duly

The author has always assumed that Seth Meyers, long-time member of Saturday Night Live and matriculating host of NBC’s Late Night program, was someone who possessed sense. Because he (i.e. Meyers) is from New Hampshire, perhaps is why. Or perhaps because he attended, if not an important university, then at least a nearly important one.

So far as indicators of good sense are concerned, however, there are few more telling ones than a deep and abiding affection for 1986 NES game RBI Baseball by Tengen*. If the promotional video embedded here is full of truth and not lies, then it would appear as though Seth Meyers possesses such a love inside his body — as does Michael Schur (né Ken Tremendous), against whom Meyers claims to have competed regularly while the two were colleagues at SNL).

The relevant passage begins at 0:33.

*Which game was apparently known as Pro Yakyuu Family Stadium in Japan, the internet announces.

Scouting Tracy McGrady from a 2003 Promotional Video

Reports from the weekend suggest that recently retired NBA player Tracy McGrady has no little interest in playing professional baseball — and is likely to do so this season for the Sugar Land Skeeters of the independent Atlantic League.

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Baseball Withdrawal Antidote: Vin Scully Singing

Whenever there is a resounding support of a person, place, or thing — an almost universal appreciation — there inevitably comes the backlash. The collection of people who — due to lack of parental love or proper medication, perhaps — find a need to attempt to take something down, to curtail the fire hose of love being applied to said person, place, or thing. They look down and scowl at all the people looking up and smiling. They tamper with the lug nuts on the bandwagon.

I have yet to see that happen to Vin Scully. He gets mentioned a fair deal in this dank corner of the Internet. Certainly, he’s not every single person’s favorite broadcaster — in fact, there may actually be one person on Earth who doesn’t care for him — but he’s managed to avoid the pitfalls that bacon and American Idol and Carson Cistulli could not. People never got sick of him, or his hype. Even people who say they hate Vin Scully don’t hate Vin Scully. They hate themselves.

Vin Scully is famous enough that he could have just walked in to Wrigley Field this day, wheezed some words, and everybody would’ve gone crazy. He pays tribute to Harry Caray in both name and action. He sings — really sings. He modulates his voice to approximate the necessary pitches and he enunciates the words. He gives a flying fuck. This song and what it represents is too important to the game and that ballpark and to him to be half-assed.

It will be a while before we hear Vin Scully again, and soon it will be forever. I can’t help the latter. But perhaps attempting to truncate the former will help us all trudge through the snowbanks of this off-season. Just step in the old foot holes. It will make it easier.

(h/t to Joe_TOC)

Video: Hard Angry Confrontation (Feat. Masahiro Tanaka)

A recent experiment conducted by the author — in his capacity not as a baseball writer, it should be noted, but rather as a mere private citizen — has revealed that taking to the internet in search of the phrase “hard angry confrontation” produces what Lord Byron probably described in Don Juan somewhere as “pleasures manifold.”

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The Ringtone That Made Me a Better Man

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a good man. I am scarcely a man at all. The only time I demonstrate the steadfastness typically associated with archetypal man is when my full complement of vices is challenged by those circumstantially invested in my survival and or continued employment. That is to say, if you’re looking for a man, then cast thine eyes elsewhere. No, not upon Cistulli and his wrists of cooked pasta.

With all that said, foulest poo — thanks to its grim baseline — can easily be improved upon, and in keeping with this general principle it is worth noting that a ringtone has demonstrably made me a better man. You see, I was weary of the old default-settings ringtone of my Battery-Powered Mobile Business Handheld Cellular Telephone, much as I am weary of my dumb face and essence. The ringtone, though, I could do something about.

Thanks to an app called Ringdroid, which is possibly favored by pregnant teens and their baggy pants and rap-hop music and krokodil habits, I was able to make a ringtone out of any old audio file. As for the interface, even a moaning dolt with hot dog fingers can use it.

For the sound in question that is now my Business Ringtone I chose this, which is a series of professional utterances first celebrated on the august pages of Eye On Baseball

You may not call me, but if you ever did, then this is what I would hear. And I am the better for it. Barely.

The Dayn Perry Hello

If the Dayn Perry Hello seems aggressive, you have not yet traveled to the shallowest depths of Mississippi.

The Dayn Perry Hello is suitable for foes, lovers, former foes, future lovers, dignitaries, holy men, street merchants, plumbers, members of the Illuminati, and former NFL coaches — as well as any manner of post-coital handshake and/or corporate takeover.

The Dayn Perry Hello should not be confused with the Dayn Perry Goodbye, which is the last thing you hear before you die — destined to be an earwig of your soul for all eternity.

Side affects of the Dayn Perry Hello include immaculate conception, Grapenuts™ nuts, heart-prostate role-reversal, puffy nipples, sudden-onset luminescence, drowsiness, and sugar shits. It is highly recommended that users operate heavy machinery after experiencing the Dayn Perry Hello.

Scientists are in the final stages of testing the Dayn Perry Hello as an alternative fuel source. Results, so far, have been positive. The Dayn Perry Hello can be used as a garnish for a nice steak dinner.

Many of you may be seeing loved ones this holiday. May I recommend the Dayn Perry Hello when you first encounter them? For the Dayn Perry Hello answers all the traditional catching-up-small-talk questions in one fail swoop, leaving you and your loved ones to enjoy a nice meal in utter, awkward silence.

Songs Not Inspired by George Brett

Young fans hold up baseballs for Royals star George Brett to sign.

A story that broke today was, like so many stories during the early off-season, about a young songstress from New Zealand and George Brett. As it happens, the title of the very popular Lorde song Royals was inspired by a picture of none other than the Hall-of-Famer for Kansas City. This is, indeed, crack reporting. What isn’t crack reporting is creating a list of songs that were certainly NOT inspired by George Brett. That is what I have done. Read the rest of this entry »

Audio: Comedian Amy Schumer Just Saying “Inside Baseball”

Those who cling to reason will demand an explanation for the present weblog entry, which consists of little more than an embedded audio clip of comedian Amy Schumer uttering the words “inside baseball” — perhaps in the presence of NPR personality Terry Gross, perhaps not.

For those who — like probably all the members of American rock band 38 Special, for example — for those who know that one is best served merely by holding on loosely, the presence of this brief audio clip will be as second nature. “Did life even exist before I heard Amy Schumer just saying ‘inside baseball,'” those same readers will ask.

“It did and it didn’t,” is the correct answer, of course — as everyone already knows.