Archive for Breaking

BREAKING: NotGraphs Acquired by Banknotes Harper

Buck Banknotes
INTERNET, USA — It seems that the pale, maligned fans of comedic and heartfelt baseball writing will not need to feel even more depressed than usual, as the famous Internet Weblog NotGraphs was just purchased in a leveraged buyout by famed baseballer and performer-of-business Brian “Banknotes” Harper.

Harper’s company, The Harper Group of Concerns and Equity and Pounding, released a statement this morning stating that after the last out of the 2014 World Series, all future NotGraphs content will take place at Current NotGraphs writers were offered the opportunity to continue their work at Banknotes Industries, at an agreed-upon and much lower compensation level.

When asked for a statement, Mr. Harper did make mention that he was available for comment, but was choosing not to anyway.

More as this story develops.

Player Arrested For Being Under the Influence of Pink Floyd

laser show summer 2

In the wake of shortstop Everth Cabrera’s recent arrest for driving under the influence of marijuana, Baseball has begun cracking down on other “pothead-type offenses,” Sgt. Joe Friday announced on Friday in a sergeant-like voice.

Why are we cracking down on other pothead-type offenses?” the sergeant then asked, rhetorically and quite dramatically. “Because the next tragedy may be that of your catcher … or your pitcher … or yours, or yours … ”

He then pointed into a news camera that had not yet been turned on and declared, “… or YOURS.” (The sergeant would later learn that even though the camera had not captured his statement, a teenager had, on his iPhone, and after auto-tuning it had created a YouTube video that quickly received more than 20 million views, and so the sergeant was very pleased.)

The first player to suffer under Baseball’s new policy: veteran infielder {name redacted}, taken into custody during a bootleg Pink Floyd laser light show in an abandoned warehouse in downtown {town redacted}. After making bail, Player X told a reporter for Laser Times magazine, “I’m just sitting there watching this super-cool supernova of spatially coherent light and really opening my mind to the possibilities of both the universe and abandoned warehouses when Johnny Law busts in and starts harshing my mind buzz, like going all Captain Bringdown on my visual cortex. And he’s like, ‘Put down that Red Bull, get up from that seat and put your hands behind your back, you laser-light-loving punk!’ And I’m just like, ‘OK.’
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Less Than 48 Seconds ‘Til the InstaGraphs Boston Meetup!


Yes, it’s true. We’re less than 48 seconds away from the InstaGraphs Boston Meetup. For all of the original details, which are still details, read the post that you are currently reading, which is the post that I am currently writing.

Sometimes, we nerds like to go out on the town. One of those towns is the former Incan capital city of Vilcabamba, but because that city was destroyed during the Spanish conquest of Peru in 1572, and also because a trip to Peru would take a lot longer than 48 seconds, we cannot logically schedule an InstaGraphs meetup there.

Sorry, Vilcabamba. Better luck next minute!

Not surprisingly, this year’s Saber SpeedSocializing Seminar will take place within a minute’s time. So, just as we did last minute, we’re going to set up shop at the corner of Shawmut and Berkeley and pass out demitasses full of espresso.

It promises to be a good time, or at least a quick time, and also a caffeinating time. Since the beginning of this posting, other SpeedSocializing luminaries have pledged their brief attendance, but since I a) won’t see all of them due to their tremendous socializing pace and b) am running out of time, you’ll just have to take my word on that. Espresso, baseball and rapidly socializing baseball nerds. It’s a combination just crazy enough to work, and work pretty quickly. Join us, won’t you?

You have approximately 10 seconds.

Big TV Reaches Agreement with Yankees, Red Sox, God


TELEVISIONLAND — In a move that some industry experts have called “shocking, but then again, not really shocking at all, because when you think about it, it makes all the sense in the world, given that the world apparently contains just two cities in which major league baseball teams exist,” Big TV announced today that it has reached a multilateral agreement to broadcast Yankees-Red Sox games for “all eternity … and then some!”

“With this unprecedented agreement,” said one Big TV executive, “we have ensured that Yankees-Red Sox games – in their past, present and future incarnations – will be transmitted in perpetuity, without the spatiotemporal parameters that afflict otherwise similar broadcasts in the earthly realm.

“Indeed, thanks to this partnership,” she added, “Yankees-Red Sox games will never know the worldly transience of an Astros-Royals contest on cable channel 738, or the mundane boundaries of a Cubs-Dbacks game at Chase Field. To paraphrase a poet, we will slip the surly airwaves of Earth!”

Key to the blockbuster deal, insiders say, was the cooperation of God.
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This Eggnog Will Expire in Three Minutes


It is entirely by coincidence, and not, as some conspiracy theorists would have you believe, by design, that the title of this post is uncannily similar to that of Monday’s apocalyptic bombshell regarding the imminent demise of NotGraphs, a blog soon to be known as NotNotGraphs, or, for short, Not.

That post, titled This Weblog Will Expire in Three Months, detailed history’s most cataclysmic development by explaining that the blog’s majordomo, Monsieur Carson Cistulli, wants to spend more time with his family, or maybe with Bruce Jenner’s family. I don’t know. I didn’t read it.

Whatever the case, the timing could not have been more adventitious for me, personally, with regard to the post that you are currently reading – and might be reading for the next two-plus minutes. Why? Because for the past three days, while circling want ads for Unamusing But Punctual Comedy Writers in the local PennySaver, I’ve been drinking a lot – a LOT – of the eggnog left over from the most recently concluded yuletide season. It is not so much for the milk, eggs and nutmeg that I’ve imbibed this frothy concoction, but, rather, the bourbon, the better to ease the pain of impending unemployment.

The problem, as you know, is that eggnog is plagued with a shelf life, perhaps not as rate-specific as the decay of a radioactive isotope but still pretty rigid. Though sensitive to a variety of factors, including exposure to heat, light and Satan, most canned eggnogs last for a period of four to five months. That time has come and gone. And, according to Science, the nog will not submit to an eternal lactose return. It ain’t coming back.
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“Why Not Us?”


From ESPN:

MINNEAPOLIS — “Why not us?”

That was the response from Twins general manager Terry Ryan on Sunday when informed the decision to sign free-agent Kendrys Morales to a one-year, $7.6 million deal was, well, very un-Twins like.

“Why not us? We’re a baseball team. We have players. We sign contracts. We have people at every position, just like all of the other teams. And we’re trying to win games. Sort of. I mean, we’re putting players on the field, and I’m sure they’re doing their very best, and sometimes the laws of random chance come out on our side and, odds be damned, we win a game or two. We’ve had success before with players we’ve signed. Ricky Nolasco, for example. Okay, not a great example. But an example nonetheless. Jason Kubel. Okay, again, not a great example. Well, we have some really up-and-coming talent here. Aaron Hicks. Okay, I’m going to stop with the examples. We have superstar Joe Mauer, having a, uh, having a year. That’s what everyone on the team is doing. Having a year. And maybe our years will somehow turn out to be better than enough people’s years that we accidentally end up in the playoffs. That’s why Kendrys is a fit. Because if we sneak into the playoffs, maybe by then he will be in playing shape and can lead us in a big celebration at home plate if we manage to ever score a run, and he can break his foot again, and then we’ll have the flexibility to call up anyone we want to replace him on the roster. So you ask why us? Because. Because why not us, and why shouldn’t we have as much of a right to sign a player of questionable value and no true position who hasn’t played in months and was probably going to be of negligible value anyway, especially since we already have Josh Willingham. That’s why us. And if he can pitch, too, then that’s even better, because Ricky Nolasco is not terribly good, and is mostly goodly terrible.”

Marlins Trade Draft Pick for Whatever’s in Steve’s Couch

“Pretty happy with myself,” is how Marlins GM Dan Jennings reacted to the move.

MIAMI — Just two days after trading the 39th-overall pick in the upcoming draft to the Pittsburgh Pirates for replacement-level reliever Bryan Morris, the Miami Marlins appear to have traded their other Competitive Balance selection — in this case, the 36th-overall pick — for whatever coins or other solid matter is currently trapped within the couch of this guy named Steve.

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Post-Nuñez, the Travel Channel Scores a Winner!


By now you’ve seen the footage, either on ESPN or the Travel Channel: Last night, in the ninth inning of a 3-3 game against Texas, Minnesota’s Eduardo Nuñez journeyed first to the Boundary Waters of the Minnesota-Ontario border, where he canoed languidly through waterways carved into Precambrian rock, and then to Lake Superior, where he rented a cozy cottage and, in his own words, “did some fishing and, really, just a lot of relaxing,” before returning to Target Field, sprinting down the left-field line and reaching third base to avoid Adrian Beltre’s tag.

Now, in the aftermath of Nunez’s journey, the Major League Umpires Association has agreed to a revolutionary new rule: “In the ninth inning of a tie game, the home team can designate one (1) runner to travel to any destination, provided it is within the territorial borders of the North American continent, before returning to the field and enjoying full and unfettered access to the base of his choosing, in whose vicinity, and to much rejoicing, a designated umpire will dramatically rule him safe before arguing successfully with the opposing manager. In addition, should the designated runner travel beyond the borders of the United States of America, he will enjoy a personal exemption from U.S. Customs inspections as well as duty-free status on up to five (5) bottles of liquor and five (5) packages of quality chocolates.”
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NEWS: Very Pitiful Man Dreams Jay Bruce Actually Not on DL

Boyd claims to feel on the inside how the peasants in this painting look on the outside.

A local resident is in poor condition today after dreaming last night that, instead of being on the 15-day disabled list, Cincinnati outfielder Jay Bruce actually isn’t on the 15-day disabled list.

“It was disturbingly realistic,” said a visibly shaken Warren Boyd, 34, outside of his suburban condominium on Tuesday morning. “I was walking by a display of televisions — like you might see at a Best Buy, for example. They were tuned to the Reds game, and I clearly saw Jay Bruce coming up to bat. And I was surprised, because he’s on my fantasy team, and I’d just removed him that morning from my active roster.”

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Dodgers Save Money by Trading Crawford to Dodgers


LOS ANGELES — In a move to address their crowded-outfield situation and alleviate some payroll concerns, the Los Angeles Dodgers have traded Carl Crawford for a player to be named later. As expected, due to Crawford’s sizable contract, he was traded to the the Los Angeles Dodgers, ostensibly the only team that could take on his salary.

“We’re very excited to have Carl as a member of the Dodgers,” Los Angeles GM Ned Colletti said in a press conference. “He’s a tremendous talent, and I think he’s exactly what we need to push us deeper into the playoffs this season.”

“We are big fans of Carl, and we certainly wish him the best of luck,” Dodgers GM Ned Colletti said during a conference call with reporters. “It was an unfortunate situation for us to lose him, but we feel this move will help our team position ourselves to have a highly-competitive squad for years to come.”

Los Angeles and the Dodgers seemed like perfect trade partners, due to Los Angeles’ ballooning payroll and the Dodgers’ seemingly bottomless pockets. And as rumors swirled around Crawford’s possible trade, the Dodgers seemed to be the only team that could afford him.

“I think both teams certainly benefit from the trade,” said one of the Collettis, probably the first one. “Every team engages in trades to get better. Los Angeles did, and I think Dodgers fans will agree that their team did too.”

There has been no official word on who the player to be named later will be, but many insiders have speculated that it could be Andre Ethier.