Fill in your own punchline:
“The Mets are not willing to eat salary in a Bartolo Colon deal. ___________________________________________.”
Some ideas to get you started:
“The Mets are not willing to eat salary in a Bartolo Colon deal. Bartolo Colon, on the other hand, is willing to eat whatever it takes.”
“The Mets are not willing to eat salary in a Bartolo Colon deal. Fortunately, the salary has already been eaten by Colon himself.”
“The Mets are not willing to eat salary in a Bartolo Colon deal. That’s like saying the Dodgers refused to order a beard trimmer when they signed Brian Wilson.”
Okay, that last one is not good. And the other two are, well, too easy. BUT THAT’S WHERE YOU COME IN! GET TO WORK!
Mr. President? We have Dave Cameron on the line.
“Mr. Cameron. How are we today?”
“Good morning, Mr. President. I’m fine, sir. Thanks for asking.” Read the rest of this entry »
Hello, and welcome to another episode of What is Bo Porter Miming. Here’s your host, Flip Dingleberry!
Hi everyone, and welcome to another episode of What is Bo Porter Miming? Now, contestants, you know the rules. I’m going to show you an Internet GIF of Astros Manager Bo Porter, and you have to tell me what he’s trying to say. Ready? Excellent! Here we go. Contestants: What is Bo Porter Miming?
Is he saying “Hey look, everyone, there’s a duck”?
No, I’m sorry. That is incorrect. Anyone else?
Is he saying “I want you to do the chicken dance over there?”
Incorrect, Donald. Sorry. Stacy, a chance to steal. What is Bo Porter Miming?
Five seconds, Stacy.
Is he saying …
Need an answer, Stacy.
“… go put your finger in that dog’s butt?”
Ding Ding Ding
Correct! Stacy is the big winner! You win an all expenses paid trip to Tallahassee! Wait, really? That seems … oh well. Join us next time on What is Bo Porter Miming?!
You have some nerve, Dan Marino. Some nerve, I say. This place is not for you. Do you see any goalposts here? Do you see any cheerleaders or hash marks or Dons Shula? That’s right, you don’t. Do you know why? Because they’re not there! Nothing is wrong with your vision!
But something must be wrong with your balls. Maybe they’re suffering from gigantism, because you need some pretty big huevos to show your face here. Your days are done, old man. Nobody gives a crap about you anymore. Especially not here. What, you think you’re the king of Miami or something, and you can just stroll in wherever you want and people will bow and kiss your ring? Your ring. Your Super Bowl ring. OH THAT’S RIGHT!
This is a baseball place, Dan Marino. For years, this team has had to share a venue with a dumb football team — YOUR DUMB FOOTBALL TEAM — and play second fiddle to bunch of meathead benchpressers. That is too a word. No, you shut up. The owner of this team worked long and hard to swindle taxpayers into paying for this stadium so that we could get away from the likes of you.
And take off that jersey, you Fakey McFakerson. Are you trying to be ironic, or just trying to piss us off?
The Gods will not stand for this, Dan Marino. Hear my words, you lughead. You are not welcome here, and if you stay a moment longer, well, I cannot guarantee your safety. You do not mess with the ghosts that haunt this one-year-old building. You should not anger them. Remove yourself, Dan Marino, if you know what is good for you.
Readers! It’s time for you to provide the creative spark where I cannot. That’s right: a caption contest—aka shameless wit-farming. Your job is to provide humorous captions for this Vine video published on MLB’s official Vine profile. Feel free to submit a caption or simply +1 the ones you like. The winner will be lauded for millennia, tattooed on the hearts of billions, and, most importantly, mentioned in the next post I publish.
Hello, everyone. Hello. Welcome. Welcome.
Welcome to Baseball Tonight.
Well, it’s almost upon us everybody. Baseball is almost here, in fact, the first Spring Training games began today.
Yes. Baseball is here and everyone is getting back in shape. Pitchers are loosening their arms, batters are getting their timing down. I even saw Ron Gardenhire trying out some new curse words to yell at umpires.
[Break for Laughter] Read the rest of this entry »
See: Cameron, Dave. “The Worst Transactions of the 2014 Off-Season.” Web log post. FanGraphs. N.p., 21 Feb. 2014. Web. 21 Feb. 2014.
ATLANTA — In a move that was both surprising, yet right in line with recent activity, the Atlanta Braves have signed Colton Jackson, a baby, to a 29-year contract extension. Jackson was signed to his initial contract by the Braves a mere month and half prior, forty eight days after his birth.
“We are excited to continue our tradition of committing to our promising young talent,” said Braves general manager Frank Wren. “Colton here has shown a lot of potential in these last two months. He’s been very responsive to our jiggling of keys, and has really upped his performance in peekaboo. We like his makeup, and with some time we feel his fingers won’t look so weird. All in all, it’s a great day for the Atlanta Braves organization.”
Wren said that the signing of Jackson, along with the recent extensions of Freddie Freeman, Andrelton Simmons, Julio Tehran, and Craig Kimbrel will help solidify who the Braves are for many years to come. He would not comment on the rumors that the team is in talks to gain exclusive signing rights to Freeman’s first born son, but the so-called “sperm retainer” has been discussed heavily within the front office, sources say.
“I’m excited to see Colton take his position around 2044,” Wren said. “We should be in our fifth or sixth new stadium by then.”