The beard-off was later accepted by Reddick, with the details as follows: grow your beard until the end of the calendar year and fans would vote on whose beard was better. The loser of the vote would then have to shave it off.
Earlier today in these pages, we utilized the great American tradition of submitting your opinion electronically to the void (a.k.a. polling) as a means of determining with zero shadows of doubts who would win in various Mortal Kombat-style battles between various sorts of tigers and other, various sorts of giants — i.e. the mascots of the team competing in the World Series that’s about to begin.
The polls are closed and the shadows of doubt dissolved by the bright light of Mass Opinion. Regard the answers below, brothers and sister!
It goes without saying that, at NotGraphs, we’re dedicated to those twin pursuits of the Western Tradition, art and science. Even more than that, though, what we’re dedicated to is driving the most possible traffic with the least possible content. In conclusion: polls.
Yesterday, in these same electronic pages, the author began his attempt to answer what is less of an age-old question and more of a starting-two-days-ago question — namely, if one were to pick the winner of the World Series based entirely on the fighting prowess of each team’s mascot, who would win? That query was problematized, naturally, by the fact that there are many types of giant things. Giant rabbits, for example. And giant, disembodied eyes, for other example, washed up on Floridian shores. And giant hill figures with impressive, giant phalluses (phalli?), also.
What the author has discovered even more recently — after ruminating on the matter for, like, five seconds — is that there are different types of tigers, too. And not just different species of tigers, I mean, but, like, other nouns in the vernacular that have the word tiger and then another word altogether.
Surely, then, what is needed is multiple polls to determine the winners of multiple Mortal Kombat-style battles to determine the winner of this one, determinative query — which, that’s what’s happening now.
Results will appear in a second, sparsely worded post — sure to drive its own share of traffic — minutes before the beginning of tonight’s World Series game at 8pm ET.
Tiger Mom vs. Giant Rabbit
One is a strict Chinese mother who teaches law at Yale. The other is a German breed of rabbit that weighs 20 or something pounds.
A popular myth holds that George Washington once threw a silver dollar across the Potomac River. Right-minded people everywhere know the truth, of course — that it wasn’t a silver dollar but the testicles of British general Henry Seymour Conway, and that it wasn’t the Potomac River but the Atlantic Ocean.
Right-minded people are also aware that another strong-armed American, Nationals uberprospect Bryce Harper, has recently made his home at the mouth of the Potomac.
What we don’t know is which of the above-named and strong-armed Americans (i.e. Harper or Washington) is the strongest-armed.
To sort out this mystery, we turn — via poll — we turn to the metaphorical (and, in about 30% of cases, actual) sons and daughters of George Washington himself.
Yesterday, the readership was asked to use their hearts and brains and computers to address the moral quandary of DRaysBay editor and RotoGraphs contributor and bearded gentleman Erik Hahmann. Specifically, said readership responded to this query: would he (Hahmann) — as someone who actively supports the Tampa Bay Rays — would be a bad fan were he to buy some form of Blue Jays team apparel?
After 24 hours of polling, it appears as though the bespectacled readership has answered, loudly and decisively, “Meh, whatever.”
Regard the startling, entabled results after the jump!
Editor at DRaysBay, contributor to RotoGraphs, and bearded gentleman Erik Hahmann has a tough question in these even tougher times: is he — as someone who (a) cares about the Tampa Bay Rays and (b) also has a beard — is he a bad fan if he wants to buy some form of Blue Jays team apparel?
Hahmann brought this question to the present author last night, and I, perhaps too confident in the precision of the readership’s moral compass, bring it to said readership now, via the embedded poll you find below.
On Monday, I called on the slobbering NotGraphs masses to help out some of my fantasy league mates in procuring better fantasy team names. The response was, to say the least, heart warming. But kind of heart warming like heartburn is heart warming. Warm, but troubling. And bad for esophagus.
Anyway, we NotGraphers voted for their favorite names in the league, and — much to my exhausted dismay — we had a tie for worst. The voters collectively decided that the Edmonton Trappers and chy924’s Team (which I think is a default team name) needed some nominal surgery.
The suggestions ranged from crass to clever and back to crass again. I have compiled a number of the best names, as well as some duds (for profiling purposes) and now:
I call on you once again, diligent, critical, and largely male, bespectacled, and inwardly wistful NOTGRAPHS READERSHIP, WHICH NAME IS BESTEST???
This poll closes Saturday morning with the beginning of Spring Training games — because by then, we should all be firmly planted in front of our Baseball Viewing Devices, and not voting in silly polls or spending time with silly wives and silly, stinky spawn.