Archive for Great Moments in Horrendous Decisions

You Are Not Welcome at Marlins Park, Dan Marino

You have some nerve, Dan Marino. Some nerve, I say. This place is not for you. Do you see any goalposts here? Do you see any cheerleaders or hash marks or Dons Shula? That’s right, you don’t. Do you know why? Because they’re not there! Nothing is wrong with your vision!

But something must be wrong with your balls. Maybe they’re suffering from gigantism, because you need some pretty big huevos to show your face here. Your days are done, old man. Nobody gives a crap about you anymore. Especially not here. What, you think you’re the king of Miami or something, and you can just stroll in wherever you want and people will bow and kiss your ring? Your ring. Your Super Bowl ring. OH THAT’S RIGHT!

This is a baseball place, Dan Marino. For years, this team has had to share a venue with a dumb football team — YOUR DUMB FOOTBALL TEAM — and play second fiddle to bunch of meathead benchpressers. That is too a word. No, you shut up. The owner of this team worked long and hard to swindle taxpayers into paying for this stadium so that we could get away from the likes of you.

And take off that  jersey, you Fakey McFakerson. Are you trying to be ironic, or just trying to piss us off?

The Gods will not stand for this, Dan Marino. Hear my words, you lughead. You are not welcome here, and if you stay a moment longer, well, I cannot guarantee your safety. You do not mess with the ghosts that haunt this one-year-old building. You should not anger them. Remove yourself, Dan Marino, if you know what is good for you.


Who Should Replace Jim Leyland?

We knew this day would come, fair NotGraphs readers. We knew that some day, Jim Leyland would no longer be the manager of the Detroit Tigers. The Gods of Baseball have spoken, and they have taken away the last of an already-dying breed. Baseball fans and pundits will remember Leyland for being a stalwart of the game, a manager with a good record of performance on the field. We readers and writers of NotGraphs will remember him for more whimsical reasons — the smoking, the cursing, the dancing, etc. If I’m being completely honest, there are no more fun managers left. Clint Hurdle is kind of fun, mostly for the way his face changes hues, but that’s about it.

There have been and will be more opinions flung through hyperspace about who should replace Leyland. Who will fill his sweat- and bunion-residue-filled shoes? Many will make cases for former managers, current bench coaches, and the like. But who will fill the cultural void left by Leyland? Who will lift our spirits and crack our smiles and give us conversational points when speaking with our dads? Who will manage the Tigers of our souls? The following are some possibilities. (warning: some of these have language that may require headphones if you are viewing in a space with coworkers or children) Read the rest of this entry »

Three Images of “Astros Sadness”

The Astros of Houston — I approve of their new uniforms, the progressive bent of the front office and the early work done by GM Jeff Luhnow on the superfund site that he inherited. Still, there is no doubt that when we think of the Astros of Houston these days we think of sadness. Invoking the name of Astros is not unlike summoning the Curtis Mathis to life and seeing overhead news-copter shots of an evangelical stronghold — you know something awful and ridiculous is unfolding.

So it was with a not-insubstantial sense of dread that I entered the search terms “Astros” and “sadness” into Google Images. After first abandoning all hope, please walk with me …


A horse is dying in the Astrodome

I am confused. I thought a horse was one of the three animals Texans would not kill, the other two being a happy dog not presently on the far corner of your property uninvited and a grandma still capable of making a tasty pie.

For reasons sufficient unto themselves, however, the Astros have decided to drown a horse in mud.


What a stupid day

Tents suggest unwelcome bonding time foisted upon wives and children, or perhaps one last stupid trip with old high-school buddies soon to enter hospice. It occurs to the man who pulls into his garage and sits in the car until the song is over that he resents his choices. So he takes his family camping. The lack of shade and the distinct possibility that Texas is the setting suggest a hot, shitty day. Although it seems unlikely, it’s also possible that this is an outdoor music festival, which is the worst human idea since organ meats.

I can’t imagine why the Astros are making us go to an outdoor music festival.


This movie is crappy

Ah, Bull Durham. This is the movie everyone says they like. However, if you watch the movie and pay special attention to things like the words and moving images, you’ll notice that it is a stupid, crappy movie. It might have zero funny parts to it, or fewer, depending on if you have to go to goddamn grocery store later. The mystery is not why it is an insipid film; the mystery is why no one will acknowledge that Bull Durham is as ass-dumb as Tango & Cash.

I don’t know why the Astros insist on watching Bull Durham on surround sound at their apartment yet again, especially when I don’t have a ride home and the Astros are out of weed.

Regretful Purchase, Stupid Bobblehead Edition

There is a saying that a fool and his money are soon parted. Whether that’s the case or not, it is true that anyone who possesses money will eventually spend some of it in a way that does not contribute to his/her overall well-being and fulfillment as a person. There are, of course, a nearly infinite set of degrees to which this can play out. I feel as though I fall on the upper 50% of that spectrum, but I am not without my occasional lapses in judgment. Behold this stupid bobblehead I bought on eBay recently:

The absurdity of this purchase is magnified by the fact that:

1. I don’t live in Oakland, nor have I ever considered myself a fan of the Oakland Athletics.

Read the rest of this entry »

Great Moments in Horrendous Decisions: Colby Rasmus’ Cornrows

Between Colby Rasmus’ new ‘do, back-to-back losses — in which the Blue Jays were outscored 14-6 — to the Orioles, Jose Bautista again landing on the disabled list, and Kevin frigging Gregg striking out the side — Rasmus, Edwin Encarnacion, and Kelly Johnson — in the 9th inning Saturday night, I’ve hit bottom as a Toronto supporter. There’s only so much bullshit one man can take.

But, seriously, what the hell was Rasmus thinking? I know he’s struggling, but there had to have been another option. Other options. Somewhere, Tony La Russa — like the rest of us — is laughing.

What can I say. I preferred the long hair; the sick flow. I preferred Colbylocks.

Image credit: The Twitter feed of Mr. Ricky Romero.