Archive for Investigative Reporting Investigation Team

A List of Fan Stereotypes Provided by Google Correlate

A List of Fan Stereotypes Provided by Google Correlate, Sorted by City

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Johan Santana’s Towel Inanimately Exasperated by All the Pouting

As Mike Axisa pointed out yesterday, Johan Santana is not very happy with his situation right now. He’s coming back from injury, he wants to throw, and in fact is throwing in the bullpen against the wishes of Mets management, who haven’t allowed him to pitch in a Grapefruit League game yet.

But the real scoop is being, ah, scooped by the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team, and that scoop is about Johan Santana’s Gatorade Towel, which the star pitcher recently jammed into a fence link and forgot about while he crossed his arms in selfishness.


Johan Santana’s Towel looks on as Johan Santana pouts.

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The Lyle Overbays: 2009 Four-Pitch Hardball Champions

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The image above, found in a pub in Markham, north of Toronto, comes to us from one of our many intrepid correspondents in the field. Look at those uniforms. Let no one ever say Lyle Overbay didn’t leave his mark on Canada’s finest metropolis. We remember 2006. It inspires us.

NotGraphs’ Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has uncovered that in 2009, The Lyle Overbays led Markham’s 4-Pitch Hardball League with a .566 on-base percentage, and .577 batting average. They finished first in hits, runs, home runs, and RBI, and second in doubles, all while striking out only 12 times in 1,203 plate appearances. The Overbays’ 2009 championship was the first of three in a row, and came following their stunning defeat at the hands of Deez Nuts in the 2008 final, after winning their first title in 2007. All The Lyle Overbays ever wanted was to make Lyle Overbay proud.

And they did. The Investigative Reporting Investigation Team reached Mr. Overbay for comment, via text message, about the dynastic success of the team named in his honor. Mr. Overbay, never a man of many words, responded:

“Flags fly forever.”

Indeed, Mr. Overbay. Indeed.

H/T: My cubicle mate, and the hardest-working man in Canadian public broadcasting, @DanielKitts.


Source of Meteor Found

Unless you are living under a rock, you have heard that another rock (probably bigger than the one under which you are living) crashed into the Earth somewhere in a place the scientific community calls “Russia.” An image is below:

meteor

No disrespect to CNN, but the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has actually done their due diligence and (quite easily) uncovered the source of said meteor. ENHANCE!

meteor1

ENHANCE!

meteor2

ENHANCE!

meteor3

I knew it. Just search for “meteor” in Baseball-Reference.

What can’t this phenom do?!


EXPOSED: The Real Truth about Jane Austen and Base Ball

plain jane

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that the woman we now know as Jane Austen was in fact a time-traveling criminal. After watching the movie Clueless in 1995, Ms. “Austen” created a temporal paradox by traveling back to the late eighteenth century, ingratiating herself in a middle-class home, and pre-inventing the romantic comedy. The historical Sandiego may have gotten away with her literary fraud, too, if she hadn’t made a critical error in the early pages of Northanger Abbey (1817):

“…and it was not very wonderful that Catherine, who had by nature nothing heroic about her, should prefer cricket, base ball, riding on horseback, and running about the country at the age of fourteen, to books…”

Ms. Austen, soon after the book was published, was assassinated via “typhus” by TimeCop Jean-Claude Van Damme. But for reasons that are whispered by time paradox conspiracy theory buffs and JCVD fans, Austen’s novels were allowed to remain in the timeline. This led to various American experts debunking the pre-invention of baseball by Austen and salvaging the more reasonable theory that one single man invented a game involving rudimentary objects and basic rules, thousands of years into mankind’s existence.

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Totally Unaltered Tweet: Mariano Rivera Will Continue to Shag, and You Can’t Stop Him

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NotGraphs’ Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has confirmed — through means most nefarious and, quite frankly, disturbing — that Mariano Rivera has but one move in the bedroom, and, much like his cutter, it is unmatched.

Remember: Safety first, kids. Unplanned pregnancies are the worst.

H/T: Mr. Nightengale.


What’s Wrong with Mike Napoli’s Hips?

Nearly three weeks ago, the Boston Red Sox supposedly struck a deal with free agent Mike Napoli. He still has not signed. There are reports that Napoli’s physical brought up some questions about his hips, stalling negotiations and leading the Red Sox to begin discussions with Adam LaRoche to take the vacant first base position.  So what exactly is wrong with Napoli’s hips? The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has completely fabricated the following possibilities:

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Tastes Perfected at Coors Field

It has come to this author’s attention – via the above tweet and article by ESPN personality/banal number-producer Darren Rovell – that the Blue Moon beverage company has come up with a new beer/wine hybrid. Apparently, the taste for this “drink” was perfected at Coors Field in Denver, CO. Knowing this, the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team searched for, and discovered, other tastes perfected at Coors Field:

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Proposed Marketing Slogans for the 2013 Blue Jays


The flag of Metropolitan Toronto flies politely over the region.

As FanGraphs managing editor Dave Cameron noted over the weekend, the Blue Jays’ acquisition of right-hander R.A. Dickey is merely the latest in a series of aggressive, but reasoned, offseason maneuvers that have positioned the club as a legitimate contender in the usually competitive AL East.

Now, the Blue Jays’ marketing department is tasked with spreading the word about what promises to be an exciting season for Toronto. However, as the five following proposed slogans — acquired by our very secretive Investigative Reporting Investigation Team — as they indicate, it is not necessarily within the Canadian nature to brag or boast or otherwise champion one’s own virtues.

To wit:

1. Come Out and Watch Us — Unless You Already Have Plans, No Problem!

2. We’ll Win a Lot — But Not by an Unsporting Amount, Don’t Worry!

3. You’ll Enjoy This Team — Not That We Presume to Know Your Tastes!

4. What a Great Team — Although, All the Teams Are Great in Their Own Way!

5. Let’s Go, Toronto — And All Other Area Municipalities, Too, Like Halton!


R.A. Dickey’s Crimes Against Humanity

As my beleaguered comrade Eno Sarris has already emoted, R.A. Dickey is leaving the fair city of New York. The casual fan might assume that the Blue Jays-Mets swap is one of those unfortunate deals necessary for a rebuilding club to get younger. They might then accidentally go on to miss the intelligent, witty veteran with the lovable knuckleball. Fortunately, the New York Post is there to dispel these illusions, and remind the reader that R.A. Dickey is in fact a clubhouse cancer and possible convicted felon, who has fled north to escape his inevitable tarring/feathering.

The Post’s Mr. Davidoff doesn’t actually supply much hard evidence for the selfishness of the 38 year-old pitcher whose performance the past three seasons has has surpassed his pay six times over. Fortunately, we here at the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team have uncovered a list of some of Dickey’s petulant demands and grotesque personal charisma. An anonymous source revealed the following unforgivable sins:

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