Archive for Jersey Edit

Brewers Design-a-Uniform Contest: My Entry

The Brewers of Hot Hard Milwaukee recently held a contest that allowed the Internetter to design a uniform for said Brewers of Milwaukee. The winner — to the extent that anything is won in the this life — would have his or her uniform brandished for a spring training game.

Therein you’ll find any number of fetching entries — notably one that prominently features Bernie Brewer, that disowned Vuckovich brother …

Most excellent! Most excellent if you cow before the threat of Real Talk, that is …

You see, I have no doubt that the Brewers will find a winner that best represents their preference for varnished municipal lore. However, being as I am nightwatchman at the Museum of Truths, I’ll abet no such myth-making.

Milwaukee, as the name of their hometown nine suggests, is a town for Drinking Men and The Things They Drink. One does not go to Milwaukee unless Men Are About to Drink. Business? Conduct it in Dallas. Cultural tourism? New York and Chicago are there for you. Restorative escape? The Bay Area will see you now. Cocaine in a hot tub? The San Fernando Valley serves no other purpose. But Milwaukee exists for the drinking of drinks. “Let us drink these drinks,” people in Milwaukee say, “and then try to throw this clock radio all the way to Michigan.”

In light of those authenticities, this is my entry, Brewers of Milwaukee.

On the front we have a Milwaukee Journal celebration of the Wisky electorate’s decision, in the late 1920s, to embrace wholesome, nutritious alcohol in defiance of both federal meddlers and awful Protestants. The shoulder patch is the regeneration liturgy known well to the Hands That Built America. On the back we have bon vivant, man of letters and drink and secret native of Fond du Lac Kingsley Amis astride a familiar and always near-at-hand cock-and-tail. The cap? The front boasts a rendering of the hepatic rot that will be the death of all of us at the bar — that bar in Milwaukee. And on the back is the shitty omelet you make after a night in Milwaukee, U.S. the fuck of A.

Take me not for a knave, Brewers of Hot Hard Milwaukee. I know the score, and, yes, I’ll have another.

The Phillies Will Have That Logo, Thank You

What follows isn’t particularly new, but, other than fresh dimensions of human misery, what really is?

If the Phillies were a nation-state in the literal sense, then what follows would surely prompt the full menu of solemn condemnations on the part of the U.N.:

As grave provocations go, this one is rather nifty. This question, however, is raised: if the Phillies owned the Mets, would they, although brimming with ill intentions and malice aforethought, provide better stewardship than the let’s-set-these-action-figures-on-fire ways of Fred Wilpon and his boy?

In any event, since this shot across the bow has gone unanswered, the New York Mets shall, from this day forward, be known as the Flushing Terms of Surrender. I say it is so; thus it is so.

(Much love: The Mets Police)

A Bolder Powder Blue

The Kansas City Royals are making some changes to their uniforms this upcoming season. You can read about them all here, but there is one change which particularly interests me:

Changes to the alternate home “powder blue” uniforms:
• Jersey will feature a new bolder powder blue color that better represents the original powder blue color of our historic past.

I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t know how much bolder powder blue can get, then, well, powder blue. Honestly, I don’t know if the world can take much more bold than this.

Maybe it’s something like this:

Powder Blue
Powder Blue

Whatever it is, the Royals brass should be careful. Too bold of a powder blue could have an utterly disastrous effect on the Kansas City area, much less the world.

O’s Go Back To the Cartoon Bird

Finally! Sweeping change around the Baltimore Orioles!

No, Peter Angelos hasn’t somehow disappeared, to ride out into the sunset as somebody capable or caring takes over the team. Sorry to get your hopes up, Orioles fans. What has happened, however, is a sweeping change in the team’s uniforms: the cartoon bird is back.

Personally, the hat with the realistic oriole that the team has been using since 1989 is one of my favorite caps in the big leagues. But, I know many people, particularly Orioles fans, love this look, one that hearkens back to the days of Brooks Robinson and some other people that probably played for the Orioles or something. And I certainly can’t complain — it’s a good look. Here are a few things I would note:

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Miami Marlins and Redemptions Thereof

In these four-wheel-drive pages, we’ve already held the rebranded Miami Marlins to account for their sartorial affronts. But now it’s time to look at this thing through fresh eyes and loins …

The accompanying music can best be described as “a murdering of innocents,” and the only thing that would make this more “Miami,” which is America’s worst city, is if an alligator were getting a Brazilian wax on stage while high on coke. Still, I must confess that I kind of like the all-whites and all-grays on awkward, under-duress display here. The font saves the day, as does Ozzie Guillen’s pocket square.

Jeffrey Loria, much like Dick Clark, knows how to reach kids these days.

Specious Marlins Uniform Image of the Day

Your Daguerreotype of the Evening is perhaps fraudulent. But this space is not a bastion of quality assurance, so we don’t much give a shit about that. All we know is that artistic renderings of Morty Klaus Robbman’s uniform have been leaked, and we are absolutely a vessel for leakages …

Geography teachers the world over refer to Florida as “America’s tired-yet-sexless pecker.” The above image has nothing to do with that fact.

Championship Jersey Edit

What to do you when your favorite player annoyingly takes advantage of his post-Messersmith/McNally liberties and leaves you with a jersey-shirt that serves as nothing better than a reminder of those grim treasons? You improvise like a champion’s championship champion:

This has been your Daguerreotype of the Evening.

Brainstorming Sessions that Begat the Marlins Logo

Marketing Executive #1: Hello everyone and thank you for coming in today. Here are your Blue Sky thinking sheets.

Andre Dawson: Uh? My Blue Sky sheet’s blank.

Marketing Executive #2: Yes, it’s a blank sheet for you to use in our brainstorming exercise.

Andre Dawson: So why did you call it… never mind.

Marketing Executive #1: Okay it’s time. Please clear your minds. Listen only to the sound of my voice as I soothe away the outside world. We’re ready for inspiration here, and we’re opening our minds. Slowly opening our minds. Slowly exploring the darkness, and expanding above this room.

Jeffrey Loria: You’re fired.

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Potentially Awesome Blue Jays Logo News

By now, you guys have probably seen Getting Blanked blog:

Oh my. I do believe I am getting the vapors.

This is the best logo in baseball history. Yes, there’s the Brewers ball-in-glove logo. Everybody knows about it. It’s awesome. But there’s just something special about the color combination and the retro feel and the all around good vibes I feel when I look at this work of mastery and art and just fantastical niceness.

Please be real.

The team-name font is the same as the leaked Marlins logo. The MLB logo is placed in the exact same place. The Marlins logo has already been confirmed as real. I like our odds. Just please be real.

Tweet! Jay Bilas, The 70’s Astros, and Maryland

For those of you (like me) into the aesthetics of athletics, the uniforms worn by the University of Maryland Monday night where a largely discussed topic. Many — like the afore-noted Jay Bilas — were all verklempt, in awe at how the Terrapins ‘ football team could wear such an ugly outfit. Others, like me, were confused at first, but have turned over to the dark side of the weird jerseys.

Enough talking. Observe:

Take it in. Form an opinion. Ready? Okay.

Now, back to Bilas’s tweet. “The 1970’s Astros wouldn’t be caught dead in those uniforms.” Rather than make some sort of judgment of what the 1970’s Astros would or wouldn’t be caught dead in, let’s just take a look at what they were definitely caught alive in, via Dressed to the Nines:

So, what do you think? Which were worse? Or, if you’re crazy, which was better (better as in “more good,” not “less bad”). Personally, I think I can appreciate both. Even though I probably won’t be caught dead in either.