The author of this post is currently the sort of person scheduled to pass the next week in the Puglia region of Italy. He’s also the sort of person who has purchased a small Italian phrasebook, on account of that language (i.e. Italian) is utilized pretty extensively throughout the country.
A section of said phrasebook that’ll most likely serve no use for this particular Roman vacation is the one which contains a collection of colloquial expressions — many of them both (a) involving the interlocutor’s mother and also (b) best uttered in anger.
“What if, though,” the author has wondered, “what if I continued my nearly five-year streak being not fired from FanGraphs by parlaying this collection of Italian insults into a post at that same site’s absurd cousin — perhaps by attaching them (i.e. the insults) to baseball’s best player whose surname is also recognizably a product of that bel paese and thus creating a meme almost in full?”
What follows is the result of that long-winded personal query.