Archive for News About News

Senseless Early Century Baseball Murders, Continued

Crane 1

Sam Crane was a major-league shortstop with Philadelphia and other assorted clubs at varying points between 1914 and 1922, during which interval he produced something fewer than a replacement number of wins over 549 plate appearances.

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John Michaelson Selected Finnish Baseball Alumnus of Week

Finnish Release

HELSINKI — For the 4,836th consecutive week — and despite having been deceased for nearly 50 years — former major-league right-hander John Michaelson has been selected as the Finnish national baseball team’s alumnus of the week.

A native of Taivalkoski in the Northern Ostrobothnia region of Finland, Michaelson emigrated to the United States at a young age and faced 11 batters with the White Sox in 1921 — or, roughly an infinite percent more than any other Finnish person has ever done. After baseball, he was definitely a painting contractor and also died in Wisconsin.

In conclusion, life is a frozen cauldron of disappointments.

The Sounds of Silence: Or, the Royals’ Greatest Hits


KANSAS CITY—You see it on the highlights, even if you don’t quite hear it: Player A, afflicted by a long-term power drought, at last hits a home run, yet upon returning to the dugout he is greeted with what experts call “the silent treatment.”

For the baseballing Royals of the city of Kansas City, the tradition has presented a challenge. As of this writing the Royals rank “dead-ass last,” as those same experts call it, in team home runs, but with a playoff berth in sight, the players are expecting a team-wide surge of adrenalin to quickly increase their power numbers and create an immediate need for well-crafted expressions of noiselessness.

The problem, players say, is one of silent-treatment inexperience.

“First, we’re just not trained in the silent treatment,” third baseman Mike Moustakas shouted above the sounds of a poetry slam on Tuesday. “Even in Spring Training, we don’t do a lot of drills. Sure, we do this one drill called ‘Stunned Silence,’ where Ned (manager Ned Yost) tells us he’s pregnant, but beyond that, we’re always joking and laughing and talking about the weather, which is typically warm and dry. We’ll say things like, ‘The weather is warm and dry, which is typical.’
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More People Are Watching The Tigers Than Are Currently Alive in Detroit

Maury Brown has a super-interesting post on Forbes that lists the local television ratings for each of the major league teams (except the Dodgers and Astros, which have cable-system-carrying issues). Unsurprisingly, if you look at raw viewer numbers, the Yankees are #1 with an average of 251,000 people watching each game. But given the size of the New York market, that places them merely in the middle of the pack when it comes to the average household rating. #2 in viewers and #1 in rating — to my surprise — is the Tigers, with 156,000 average viewers.

Some quick research tells me that there are only 7 people currently living in Detroit.

So that’s a lot.

Marlins, Angels, and White Sox fans may not want to bother checking out the link, although I’m guessing none of you are reading this either.

Todd Frazier, Headline Writer


FOX Sports Ohio has a fun article today, “Reds lethargic effort leaves Price perplexed.” I was initially confused about why David Price is thinking much about the Reds, since he isn’t even in the same league as they are, but then reading the article reminded me that Bryan Price is the manager of the Reds, so then it made more sense.

The article also made me wonder if there might have been a chemical agent released in the stadium causing mass mental confusion, since Price was “perplexed,” “two players forgot how many outs there were [and] [s]tarting pitcher Alfredo Simon didn’t cover first base on a ground ball to first baseman Brayan Pena.”

(In addition, mental issues are indicated by the fact that someone decided Brayan Pena was a first baseman, which is also confusing for someone with a .658 lifetime OPS.)

But my biggest takeaway from the article was this quote, near the end, from Todd Frazier:

“I guess you could say we were lethargic,” said third baseman Todd Frazier. “Maybe when (Chisenhall) hit that three-run homer it took the wind out of our sails a little bit, but I know we were battling. We were trying hard. Maybe it was not all there today.

“Games like this you’ve got to go back and the next day you’ve got to figure it out and work together as a hitting team. Together, as a team, our approach has to be better. Lethargic is probably a good word, but it’s just one of those games. We’ve got to come back and focus on getting back to that team game as hitters.”

Indeed, lethargic was a good enough word that they used it for the headline. Todd Frazier: Headline Writer. Nice work, Todd!

NotNews of the Weird: Or, News of the Weirder


You’ve read News of the Weird, right? Well, what’s weird is that this news is weirder – so weird, in fact, that fiction is no longer subordinate to truth.

Beginning this week, former slugger Jose Canseco will embark on a 10-week, 17-city tour in efforts to break the official world record for the longest home run. At the same time, former slugger Rafael Palmeiro is embarking on a similar tour in efforts to break the official world record for the longest denial.

As part of its 2014 Series 2, Topps has produced baseball cards that feature sabermetric stats such as TZR and WPA. In a similar marketing ploy, Upper Deck is releasing a series of Cubs cards that feature LOL and WTF.

Early last week, after a contentious weekend game, Baltimore’s Manny Machado apologized for throwing his bat at Oakland third baseman Alberto Callaspo. Later this week, Callaspo will apologize for not throwing it back.

On Sunday, Seattle first baseman Logan Morrison responded to a fifth-inning failure – a pop-up with runners in scoring position – by smashing his bat. Meanwhile, former Seattle forward and 11-time father Shawn Kemp responded to a string of successes by smashing his balls.
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MLBN to Debut ‘Christopher Russo Argues with a House Plant’


NEW YORK — In a move to shake up the format and increase viewership of a failing show, MLB Network will re-brand their program “High Heat with Christopher Russo” to “Christopher Russo Argues with a House Plant.”

The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team, in speaking with sources inside MLB Network, has learned that the new format being launched was just one of several possibilities for a new direction to the show. Sources say pilots were filmed for shows with names that included “Christopher Russo Watches Reruns of Top Chef,” “Christopher Russo Reminisces with Your Dad,” and “A Still Image of Christopher Russo but with Top 40 Music — Please Watch.”

“It was a two-bird-one-stone situation,” one executive said. “We needed to try and boost ratings, and we needed to find somebody that could tolerate being screeched at for a half hour.”

Russo, known for his cantankerous persona and a voice that could strip a sizable room of its paint, has had a revolving door of guests on the show including players, managers, and MLB Network personalities alike. Initial testing has concluded that the house plant has the best chance to stay long-term.

“It seems silly to do a remote with a plant,” a producer said. “But if we kept it in the same room, it would start wilting at a rapid pace.”

The roll out of the new format should happen near the beginning of June, as soon as the network finishes cutting new commercials and the studio goes through another round of soundproofing.

The Baseball-Cat Marriage is Ready; It’s Ready

This happens tomorrow.

You, you’re here with me, on the internet. So doubtless you’ve seen this:

Hero Cat

I know, right?

But you may not realize this brings about the final age of baseball. Writers know the best stories have inevitable endings — those stories that can end only one way — Juliet, Romeo, they must die — Yossarian must never leave the island but by desertion — and Finnegan’s Wake must, um, riverrun, past Eve and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs… James Joyce is a helluva drug.

I diverged. This brings baseball to its final, most golden age. The Cat-Baseball Era.
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Your Future Matt Wieters Injury News Here

5/6: Has MRI on elbow.
5/7: Scheduled to see Dr. Andrews.
5/8: Scheduled to see Julie Andrews.
5/9: Cast in upcoming Sound of Music Live 2: The All-Stars of Sport Climb Every Mountain
5/10: Rehearsals for Sound of Music Live 2 begin.
5/11: Wieters suffers slight case of laryngitis.
5/12: Wieters scheduled to see throat doctor. Doctor prescribes rest and hot liquids.
5/13: Wieters drinks tea, burns tongue. Sound of Music Live 2 places him on 3-day DL.
5/14: While recovering from tongue burn, Wieters reaches for television remote control, strains shoulder.
5/15: Strained shoulder is resolved.
5/16: Tongue burn is resolved.
5/17: Laryngitis is resolved.
5/18: Wieters resumes rehearsals for Sound of Music Live 2.
5/19: Wieters stumbles over new words to My Favorite Things, reprinted here:

Manny Machado and Nicky Markakis
Signing Ubaldo looks like a mistake. Is
Jonathan Schoop better than he appears
Nelson Cruz trying to earn the fans’ cheers

Zach Britton’s finding a home in the bullpen
With O’Day and Hunter it’s kind of a full pen
Jones, Hardy, Davis have all started slow
Off to see Andrews, Matt Wieters did go

5/20: Wieters trips over a girl who is sixteen, going on seventeen. Hurts his elbow.
5/21: Sent for MRI.
5/22: Repeat visit to Dr. Andrews, who reminds him he never followed up after the first visit.
5/23: Wieters has Tommy John Surgery.
Next April: Wieters rejoins cast of Sound of Music Live 2.

The Probably Top Indication Josh Johnson Is Classical Scholar

Socrates Johnson

The top indication that major-league right-hander Josh Johnson is a classical scholar used to be the paper he wrote on the theme of sal (or “wit”) in the work of the Neoteric poets and which appeared in the Autumn, 2007, edition of the American Journal of Philology.

Now, however, the top indication that Josh Johnson is a classical scholar is the fantasy update from today that’s pictured above — which fantasy update reports that, not unlike the Socrates of Plato’s Apologia, Johnson is committed to perpetual examination of the self.

Credit to reader David Internet Jacobs for spying the source material here with his (one presumes) regularly sized eye.