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Actual French News Articles with “Jeter” in the Title

Jeter
Derek Jeter’s appeal is universal.

While almost entirely devoid of baseball coverage, per se, French (and other francophone) news media appear to have discovered one means of driving traffic already popular in the United States — namely, by invoking the name of popular Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter.

One finds, by way of illustration, that the shortstop’s surname appears in numerous French-language headlines whose attendant articles/posts concern neither baseball, nor the Yankees, nor the longtime shortstop himself.

Below are five recent examples of instances in which French news media have exploited Derek Jeter’s popularity to attract readers to otherwise entirely unrelated pieces.

Title: BlackBerry Prêt à Jeter l’Éponge (link).
Source: Le Vif.
Subject: A popular smartphone manufacturer.
Mentions of Derek Jeter: None.

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Even Mark DeRosa Believed

DeRosa

The Toronto Blue Jays have let me down before. Many times. Regularly, in fact. But they haven’t let me down like this. Worst of all: they let down Mark DeRosa.

The season’s over. The eulogy has begun.

Even DeRosa believed.

“I told Casey Janssen after, this is what I signed up for, a 2-1 game against Boston with our closer on the mound and the heart of their order coming up in the ninth inning. We’ve let a lot of people down, let ourselves down, but this team is more than capable of rolling off some wins. … I just want us to compete over these last six weeks.”

It’s mid-August, and in Toronto, we’re thinking about April. Again.

I have no idea what the Blue Jays should do about Josh Johnson and Adam Lind, heading into 2014, but I know I want them to bring back Mark DeRosa.

Image credit: Otto Greule Jr./Getty Images


Some Thoughts on the Current Standings

Courtesy of the morning paper, the current standings …

Screen Shot 2013-06-18 at 12.49.43 PM

I think it’s obvious at this point that it’s going to come down to Junior A.C. and Davis Shell and the private-school kids with their high-end bikes who populate the two teams. Were this a cinematic flight, then the relentlessly middle-class kids from, say, Naas Candy, would rise up and bring low their economic betters. But this isn’t a movie, so Junior A.C. and Davis Shell, what with their superior breeding, boutique equipment and precocious and unreachable girlfriends will surely hold sway.

Just as sure is that this will mark the onset of many decades of holding sway over the Naas Candy boys. The difference is that the certain defeats ahead will be more meaningful, more lacerating. For instance, is there really any doubt that Davis Shell shortstop Caspian Westwood will one day order his middle managers to fire current Naas Candy left fielder Rusty Stricken from the crew because he was rumored to have a flask in his lunch pail? The mounting black lung was making him less than efficient, anyway.

As for the natural rivalry between Faultless Cleaners and Economy Cleaners, two concerns that will leave your Sansabelt slacks crisp to the grope and redolent of chemical vats, it’s not much of a contest thus far. This is because Economy Cleaners is shitty in all ways.

You see, they are shitty because their coach, Floyd Chickens, is all too at ease on the dole, where he’s been for lo these many years. His indolence seeps down to the shiftless layabouts on his roster. Rather than patrol the infield with a sense of mission, they instead panhandle base-runners. Even when a member of Economy Cleaners is presented with the opportunity for honest toil — for instance, Junior A.C. star pitcher Maximilian Humphries, while measuring his lead-off from second base, recently offered Economy infielder Cesar Chavez McMurphy a good many pence to beat the teammate of his choosing with a ditching spade and then finish him off with sheep shears — they recoil and fart. They are bound headlong for diseases that never spread north of the Town Plaisance.

All of this helps explain the current standings, which you see above.


Bay Area Native Norris Out to Deny A’s Sweep

Derek-Norris

The headline is from MLB.com.

My real-time reaction:

“Oh, cool. An article about Derek Norris. He’s off to a crazy good start.”

“Wait a second. Norris is on the A’s. Why would he be trying to stop the A’s from sweeping the series? Wouldn’t he want his team to win?”

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Duane Kuiper Enjoys Jon Miller… and a Bottle of Pinot

Strange thing. There’s something in here about Duane Kuiper typing in ‘FanGraphs’ on a computer and a revealing Jon Miller popping up with a bottle of Pinot Noir. I can’t make heads or tails of it.

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A glass of my finest Northern California Pinot to Chris Cwik for his technical expertise.


Blue Jays Lament Lost Season

reyes AP Paul Sancya

DETROIT — It wasn’t supposed to end this way for the 2013 Toronto Blue Jays. Not after The Trade with the Miami Marlins. Not after acquiring R.A. Dickey and his magical knuckleball, in exchange for Travis d’Arnaud and Noah Syndergaard, two of the franchise’s prized top-three prospects. But after losing 7-3 to the Detroit Tigers on Tuesday afternoon, and falling to 2-5 on the season — last place in the American League East, an insurmountable three games behind the Boston Red Sox — the Blue Jays knew their season was all but officially over. Off to their worst start since 2004, players and managers alike wondered where it all went so wrong.

“I remember Opening Day like it was last week,” said Dickey. “The emotion, the excitement, the expectations; it was amazing. I truly believed that this team was going to do something special. I’m sorry we let the fans down. I’m sorry I let the fans down.”

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Following Yahoo’s Lead, Rockies Announce Players Will No Longer Be Allowed To Work From Home

Baseball Bedroom

COLORADO — After a disappointing 2012 season, the Rockies knew they would have to take a hard look at their entire organization, and figure out how they could be sure to improve going forward. What they never expected was that a leaked memo from a leading technology company would inspire them to make a change that they hope will change their fortunes in 2013 and beyond. This past week, it was revealed that Yahoo was requiring all employees working from home to instead come into the office, where they could theoretically be more productive, creative, and showered than they were in their living rooms.

Upon reading this news, Rockies GM Dan O’Dowd had a brainstorm. If it was the right policy for Yahoo, perhaps it was something to think about for the Rockies. All season, there had been a terrible gap in the infield, as Todd Helton, Josh Rutledge, Troy Tulowitzki, and Chris Nelson had all taken advantage of the team’s generous telecommuting policies to work from home instead of coming to the stadium or heading out on the road. This had led to countless ground balls sneaking through to the outfield, an endless number of missed at-bats, and, at least in Helton’s case, bizarre decisions to drive drunk and play the lottery. While the team had sought to make it easier for its players to balance work and life responsibilities by letting them play the field from their home offices, nearly 100 losses on the year made O’Dowd start to wonder whether this was the right plan for the Rockies going forward.

Thus, just this morning, the team has issued an urgent news release:

To become the absolute best place to play, communication and collaboration are important, and we need to be physically fielding side-by-side in order to stop most grounders. That is why it is critical that we are all present at the stadium. Some of the best baseball is played by people who are actually on the field, wearing uniforms, and cheering on our pitchers. Bat speed is often sacrificed when we work from home. We need to be one team, and that starts with physically being together.

Beginning in June, we’re asking all players with work-from-home arrangements to show up to the games ready to play. Yes, we’ll sacrifice April and May, but, hey, we’re trying. If this impacts you, our manager has already been in touch with next steps. For those of you who occasionally have to stay home for the cable guy, the inground pool installer, the divorce lawyer, or the financial planner, please use your best judgment in the spirit of collaboration. Being a Rockie isn’t just about posing for pictures on baseball cards, it is about actually playing baseball. Sometimes.

The team looks forward to winning perhaps as many as three additional games this season thanks to the new policy.


Ted Williams, Even on a Gameshow, Flashes Consistency

NEW YORK — Ted Williams, often viewed as the model for hitting consistency in baseball, flirted with perfection on Sunday when he nearly went 11 for 11 in saying the word “yes” the exact same way while appearing on the game show What’s My Line?. Williams, not long after helping defeat the Yankees in a 10-9 win in Yankee Stadium, appeared on the popular show to answer questions submitted by middling celebrities. When Williams had to give a “yes” answer, he did it the very same way each time, almost as if he was playing back the same recording with each response. However, obviously being modest and slightly embarrassed when asked about his military service, gave his final answer in the form of “yeah,” breaking his streak and ending what would have been a date with perfection.

“Of course I thought he could do it,” said Red Sox manager Lou Boudreau, who was in attendance mostly for the free drinks. “He’s Ted [expletive deleted] Williams. I remember a game against the Browns a few years ago when he spit sunflower seed shells into Les Moss’s helmet 48 times in a row while waiting to bat. If he competes, he wins.”

When asked about the final answer gone awry, Williams replied “[Expletive deleted], I didn’t know I was in the middle of a record, I would’ve gone for it. Jesus Christ. This could have been my shot to put that whole DiMaggio [expletive deleted] behind me. I hit .406 that year he got that stupid streak, you know. And I took twice as many walks. Now I’ve blown it again.”

Mr. Williams refused to ask any more questions from this reporter, who was the only sports reporter at a taping of the game show.

The Red Sox have an off-day tomorrow, then travel to Philadelphia to play the Athletics in a game they’ll probably win by, something like, 3 – 2.


Houston Astros Fined by Major League Baseball

St. Louis, MO – The entire roster of the Houston Astros was fined Thursday by the Commissioner’s Office of Major League Baseball for what are being described as “actions detrimental to the team.” Details of the fine, including the actual amount and how it would be dispersed, were not disclosed.

Warnings had already been passed down to the Astros this season, after the team was caught performing lewd acts on the baseball field in August, but this is the first time an actual fine was put in place. This is also the first reported case of an entire team being levied a fine by Major League Baseball.

“We need to send a message that behavior like this will not be tolerated,” said Commissioner Bud Selig during a conference call with reporters regarding the incident. “We need to be firm in our stance that such actions are unacceptable and reflect negatively on the club, the fans, and all of Major League Baseball.”

“This is obviously very disappointing,” said Astros General Manager Jeff Luhnow through a veil of tears. “While we disagree with the punishment, we want people to know that we meant no disrespect by our actions on the field.”

Luhnow continued on, but his words were not distinguishable, as he was speaking directly into the mouth of a bottle of Jack Daniel’s whiskey.

Interim Manager Tony DeFrancesco chose not to speak with reporters, opting instead to bellow a laugh/cry hybrid in his office behind a locked door.

Team sources say that the Astros will appeal the ruling. Failing that, they will request that they be allowed to pay the fine in Altuves.


Phillies Press Release Calls to Mind Imaginary 1970s Buddy-Cop TV Pilot

Something rolled, not unlike waves of grain, into my inbox:

First of all, congratulations to Messrs. Cloyd and Ruf for what’s a genuine honor. Second of all, thank you to Messrs. Cloyd and Ruf for giving one the occasion to imagine new dimensions of the hard-nosed procedural …