What we are doing is assigning cool nicknames to players rather than the opposite, which is a bloodless tradition that has been with us too much and too long.

So how does this running feature differ from the dear, departed exemplar of the genre? “Nickname Seeks Player” was devoted to active base-ball-ists, while “Nickname Seeks Former Player” is the province of those who no longer play this fine game because they are dead in spirit and perhaps also dead in the corporeal sense. Boileryard Clarke? Eligible! Sal Maglie? Eligible! Fred Lynn? Eligible! Dontrelle Willis? Eligible! Dave Parker? For the ladies!

You may surmise from this that almost the entire sprawl of baseball history lies before you, like a sexy patient etherized upon a table. So prepare yourself to plumb both depths and heights as we ponder fitting candidates for this week’s name to nicked: “You Shall Die From It Or With It”!

Before we proceed, though, let us remember those who have previously survived this crucible of sturdy ghosts. Last time out, John Rocker and Curt Schilling tied in the balloting for “I Denounce This Man.” I broke said tie by voting for Rocker because who gives a shit. So John Rocker and his World Net Daily columns shall forever be known as such.

So now let us — snifters in hand, cardigans beswaddling our mortal parts — gaze upon The Fireside Mantel of Reposed Fortune-Hunters:

“Museum of Questionable Medical Devices” – Ted Williams
“A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning” – Matt Stairs
“Colonel Sanders’s Drinking Buddy” – Charlie Manuel
“America’s Step-Dad” – John Olerud
“Man vs. Bible” – Carl Everett
“Actual, Literal Brick Shithouse” – John Kruk
“I Denounce This Man” – John Rocker

And now … “You Shall Die From It Or With It”!

Implications and Intimations

While driving around the streets of Chicago U.S.A. in my luxury motorcar, I heard a radio interview with a gentleman who helms an association dedicated to the eradication of an awful disease that shall remain nameless. He said of that disease and those it afflicts: “You either die from it or with it.”

This raised a necessary question: Which former ballplayer do you die from or, failing that, die with before you can die from? Please note that this phenomenon — dying from an incurable someone or dying with an incurable someone before that incurable someone can snuff you out — can absolutely be a good thing. “Look at him play baseball. The beauty of it,” you might say. “I want him to be the cause of my extinction.”

Or it can be because he is a baseball disease to which you succumb while in hospice or from which you will be spared only in the event that a thief shoots you in the lungs or I cut you down with my luxury motorcar.

So who, citizens of sufficient origins, should be nicknamed “You Shall Die With It Or From It”?

The nomination process, which was a thicket of sexy possibilities, is now complete. In accordance with established standards, empaneled racists have whittled the list down to a manageable ledger of 10, from which you are to choose the one most worthy of the nickname “Iago’s Balls.” Remember: This player is not only evil, like Iago, but also foul-smelling, like Iago’s hairy giggle-beans.

So, those who quarter soldiers in peacetime, you may now cast ballots on who — or what! — should forevermore be nicknamed “Iago’s Balls” …

Thank you for exercising the franchise.

What we have done is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. This is the last time we shall do this. Why, multitudes ask? Because we shall soon introduce a new, equally insipid series called “Nickname Seeks Former Player.”

First, though, another glance at our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

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What we have been doing is assigning cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuating the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. We will soon stop doing this because all things — even things like this which are hopelessly played out and have been driven remorselessly into the ground — must come to an end. But not before one last dance, my love!

First, though, another glance at our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

Read the rest of this entry »

The nomination process, which requires a credit card number for automatic renewal, is complete. But, lo, there is news!: The Iron Council of Patriots Speckled with the Blood of Quislings has ruled that, in this instance, an entire team is eligible for the nickname in question, which is “50 Free Quality Sales Leads.” So you are encouraged to vote your conscience, so long as your conscience is right-wise and informed by sanctioned holy texts.

So, land-owning Episcopalian citizens, you may now cast ballots on who — or what! — should forevermore be nicknamed “50 Free Quality Sales Leads” …

Thank you for exercising the franchise.

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Jamie Moyer narrowly out-napped Jim Thome for the nickname “Opening Day” and celebrated by surveying his lawn from a comfy chair. So Mr. Moyer has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

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The nomination process, which was just delightful, is now complete. And now, citizens of America and her conquered lands, the time for taking part in the illusion of democracy has come.

The FanGraphs Administrative Subdivision Devoted to Patriotic Outcomes, known in commoner’s pidgin as La Svetlana, has whittled the list of vetted eligibles down to 10.

Your guiding query: Which player, because he is joyous, should be nicknamed “Opening Day”? Vote with care, caution and undying fealty to Dear Leader …

Thank you for exercising the franchise.

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Nick Swisher did something humorous and unmentionable to the nickname “Señor Buttcheeks” and got a hearty laugh from all the cool kids. So Mr. Swisher has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

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The nomination process, which hurt so good, is now complete. And now comes the business of voting. The Sergeant-at-Arms, who wears a zippered, latex mask and is known only “Maximum Jones,” has whittled the list down to 10 finalists. From these you may choose, albeit at great personal hazard …

Shit just got real.

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Derek Jeter had sex with the nickname “L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” and left it a gift basket. So Mr. Jeter has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

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