I’d like to thank you all for attending this roast of the man of the hour, Brian Wilson. This, of course, is not the Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys — the drug-addled man child who famously spent three years of his life in his bed. We’ve managed to find the Brian Wilson that’s somehow easier to make fun of.
I’d like to thank Brian’s pet weasel for coming, though I would have liked it more if it didn’t spend the whole night on top of Brian’s head.
Seriously, Brian, I’ve made deposits in airport toilets that looked better than that thing. Did you fall asleep while using a Flobee or something?
And let’s not forget that beard. When Brian decided he wanted a new look, he thought about it long and hard and concluded that his inspiration should be a middling pro wrestling personality who was featured in that Cyndi Lauper video about girls masturbating.
People think that Brian uses shoe polish to dye his hair and beard, but that’s simply preposterous. He ‘s got money now, so he uses an expensive brand of hair dye called Just For Assholes. It’s the same kind that dude from Fall Out Boy uses.
They say you can’t judge a book by its cover, which is true. If you really get to know Brian, you’ll realize he’s actually a bigger douche nozzle that he appears to be. Which is an accomplishment.
Brian is so annoying to hang out with, that his own ulnar collateral ligament tried to distance itself from him as much as possible. Twice.
The military adopted waterboarding because the old method — having Brian tell prisoners about the best concerts he ever attended — was leading to too many suicides. By the prisoners and the guards.
They call Brian The Beard, a name he adopted because he liked the way it sounded when people called his girlfriend that.
Brian, if you spent as much time on your command as you did on trying to make yourself look interesting, you wouldn’t walk more guys than Francisco Rodriguez.
Giants fans were sad to see Brian go to a rival team, but the people who were saddest to see him leave were San Francisco’s bail bondsmen and magic mushroom dealers.
When you see Brian on TV, the announcers almost always talk about how eccentric he is, but they only say that because they can’t use the word “fuckwad”.
Seriously though, Brian, there’s a rule that we only roast the ones we love. I’m proud to say that we broke that rule tonight.
Please go away, nobody likes you.
(GIF courtesy of @ChadMoriyama)