Archive for Regeneration-Through-Violence Food Consumption

This Meatloaf Shall Suffer Adam Jones’s Godlike Hunger

Not so long ago, Adam Jones sounded his conch and let all know that something was about to happen …


As philosopher-kings and tribal warlords alike have told us via oral tradition, there is eating and then there is blood-flesh intake as sating ritual of conquest. So it is with Adam Jones.

If warrior-poet Adam Jones returns to base camp at one o’clock in the morning and announces that he shall smash the loaf of a hoofed beast, then the village elders and virgins shall prepare him what he wants.

Then he shall use his implement of war to eat the brick of entrails before him …

Conqueror and Meat

Do not eat. Rather, you should enter into a blood-pact with one’s food. Challenge one’s food to pick up crude tools and swing and thrust and stab at one another astride the glimmering embers of the campfire. The others look on, but they hold back owing to the primordial laws of combat. They dare not intercede.

The food is defeated, but only after the warrior-poet’s skin is peeled back and the nerves that snake through his organs are struck by hurled thunderbolts of a lesser god and then singed to the point of reckoning. Only then are ruins of the man reassembled to form a turret mightier than the one that nearly fell in the food-battle just completed.

When a remade man like Adam Jones looks up from his defeated and pacified platter, he gives off an odor that is at once a the smell of a pumice stone, the smell of ribbons of moonlight through forest canopy and the smell of a dead viking’s last sex act being devoured by gray wolves.

Know that it is because of Adam Jones and Eric Young Jr. before him that there is now a NotGraphs category called Regeneration-Through-Violence Food Consumption.


Stupid Photo Essay: Eric Young Jr. vs. Benihana

Sometimes a gentleman prefers a leisurely lunch — one rich in aperitif and Algonquin Round Table-grade conversation. At other times, lunch is an act of war, in which food and surroundings are but blood enemies to be vanquished, raped and slaughtered. So it was with Eric Young Jr. and his recent trip to the finest in Oriental-themed Occidental steakhouses …

As you are no doubt aware, Eric Young Jr. is not a man of idle threats and vacant promises. When Eric Young Jr. declares that a restaurant shall be crushed, a restaurant shall indeed be crushed …

Eric Young Jr. will lunch the shit out of this shit.