Archive for Shameless Promotion

Dear Cubs Public Relations

Dear Cubs Public Relations,

I have your next seventh-inning stretch singer here. All he requires for his appearance is three tickets to Chicago from California, a sippy cup of milk, and a hot dog (perhaps an adult soda for his handler). He might not start out perfectly, but hey, it’s not like Ozzy Osbourne knew any the lyrics to Take Me Out. And anyway, it’s all about the finish. This candidate finishes with gusto.

If you’d like to book this act, please contact our agent, Banknotes Harper, at the cc’ed address.

Thank you for your attention,

Eno Sarris

Blogger Reaches Milestone, Blogs About It

There are points on every man’s path where he must stop and proclaim, “I am here! I have reached this point on my personal path, if you will pardon the alliteration!”

And this, my fellow countrymen and you few random Canadians, is one such proclamation at one such point on one such path. In brief, today’s post – i.e., the post you are now reading, perhaps aloud to your most perspicacious pupils – is the twenty-fifth post that I, proser, have produced for the weblog known as NotGraphs.

Again, pardon the alliteration.

It is at such junctions, too, that a man must pause to reflect on his accomplishment, to gaze back upon his origins and all the capital-A Adversities he overcame, Adversities being an all-night strip club to which the aforementioned proser suffered an unfortunate dependence for a period of six foggy yet disturbing years.

What follows is what you have wanted, and awaited, for lo these many sentences: a personal and compelling account of my rise to this arbitrary numerical milestone.

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Give the Gift(s) of Dayn Perry This Holiday Season

The reason for the season, is pleasin’. Dayn Perry, so happens, wrote the book on holiday pleasin’. His body of work at NotGraphs — including his essential listening podcast appearances with Carson Cistulli — is a secret code for the ultimate holiday gift guide. Allow me to decode.

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Candidate to Replace Jim-Tim McCarver: Dayn Perry

Although I have no say whatsoever in who takes up ol’ Jim-Tim McCarver’s seat at the Roundtable of Sports Insights & Sports Analysis (it will probably be Matt Vasgersian), I will nonetheless sincerely engage in the process of considering candidates to replace him.

Today’s Candidate: Dayn Perry

Candidate Profile: best-selling* baseball author, wordsmith, reviler of podcasts and beaches, vegetarian, Cardinals fan, former student of two of the three Barthelme brothers.

If we are looking for a truly patriotic candidate who is not afraid to show America’s soupbones to the Communists and other layabouts, Dayn Perry is our man. The following, while the only video argument to be made in Mr. Perry’s favor, does make a powerful argument. (Video courtesy the author’s private collection.)

Dayn brushes his teeth at least twice a day, carries a pull-up bar with him everywhere — to show hippies how muscles work — and pulls up his own bootstraps every single American day.

Also, some connection to the St. Louis Cardinals seems like a prerequisite for becoming a broadcaster at the highest levels.

In all, I consider Mr. Perry to be a very strong candidate to replace ol’ Jim-Tim.

*Dayn authored the best selling Mitzvah Chap of all time.

Ty Cobb School of Baseball Now Accepting Applications



Any young lads enamored by the game of base and ball would serve themselves well to learn the game the way The Great Cobb plays it, and for a small fee they can. Does your young one possess an effeminate gait while playing stick ball in the street? Does your son patrol the outfield like a Catholic? Is he about to start working the mines without ever having heard the satisfying sound made when bat meets skull?

Enroll him now in the Ty Cobb School of Baseball. He will learn all the necessary skills:

  • Playing while drunk
  • Playing with a hangover
  • Headbutting umpires
  • Proper mother-related insults to hurl at pitchers
  • How to hide small weapons in a uniform
  • Hitting skills (time permitting)

With a small investment in time and monies, the Ty Cobb School of Baseball can help your son play the game the way it was meant to be played — full of vitriol, booze, and hatred for all other competitors.

Send $25 and a full family history to:
Ty Cobb School of Baseball
P.O. Box 2
Atlanta, GA

(picture via the panic dream known as Reddit.)

Introducing: FanGraphs-

As you probably already know, FanGraphs+ is back for 2013 and better than ever, with more than a thousand player capsules, special articles written by smart people, and fantasy advice adjusted for both standard and Ottoneu leagues. What you may not know is that FanGraphs is also rolling out another new product: FanGraphs-.


Like ERA-, FIP-, and SIERA-, FanGraphs- is league adjusted. What this means is that the thoughtful analysis and baseball news you crave has been adjusted for your own fantasy league, one in which you are doomed to continue your lifelong streak of disappointment and failure. Player capsules will carry helpful advice; however, that advice, being designed for you personally, will be tinged with regret and will serve to make you doubt yourself in every choice that you make. Here are a couple of examples:
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The Most Mostest Thing Ever

The most thing ever is probably a rainbow shooting off a tough guy’s face, maybe in the rain. After the near-fight Wednesday night, the most mostest thing ever is obviously a double rainbow shooting off of Pablo Sandoval‘s face in the wet salmon-pink San Francisco sunset sky.

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Submit Questions for Meaningless Dayn Perry Podcast

Dayn Perry and I are recording his meaningless weekly podcast appearance at 8pm ET tonight (Tuesday).

Feel free to submit questions or comments or notices of paternity in the comment section below.

Also, if you care for the show, and have some interest in seeing it one day surpass the Orvis Fly Fishing podcast in the iTunes rankings, consider leaving a comment at iTunes (link), as the algorithm for said rankings appears to weight the volume of comments received rather heavily.

The Next Big Thing

Felix Cortez Reyes Sarris was born yesterday afternoon. Now all eight-pounds-plus of him is barreling towards a career squaring the barrel or barreling the best.

Or not, of course. Whichever sport he plays or doesn’t play is going to be fine by me. A name like Felix puts him on a list with many notable baseball players, but it’ll also give him something in common with a revered economist.

But you know the trite-and-true saying:

“Give a man three baseball names and and a baseball in his left hand, and he’s probably headed towards being a LOOGY at worst.”

Reading: Profile of Dave Cameron’s Doug Miller has written a profile of FanGraphs managing editor Dave Cameron and his contretemps with stupid leukemia.

Along with what is a decidedly touching portrait of a person (i.e. Cameron) who is respected by readers and colleagues, Miller’s article reveals some other facts that will shock and/or amaze.

To wit:

• Cameron, who is obviously funny-looking, is somehow less funny-looking now that at any other time in his life. Photo evidence confirms this.

• When a 14-year-old Cameron asked Derek Zumsteg (his future USS Mariner co-editor) to remove David Pease from the newsgroup because he (i.e. Pease) was a “moron,” Zumsteg replied thusly: “[I]f we had a ‘No Morons Allowed’ rule, I’m afraid that would mean you couldn’t post either.”

• While thorough, Miller’s pieces is incomplete for its total omission of this image (courtesy Dayn Perry):