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Loins First: The True Uncensored History of NotGraphs.com

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There’s a 97% Chance This Weblog Won’t Die Tonight

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As noted elsewhere and previously, the present site will expire — for reasons simultaneously various and sundry — this site will expire with the last pitch of the World Series. What the win-probability graph from Game Six suggests, however — the most recent version of which is pictured above — is that the last pitch of the World Series likely won’t occur tonight.

The author’s condolences to all present.


Announcement: New and Morbid NotGraphs Logo

deathgraphs

About three years ago now, the author utilized what little he possesses in the way of photo-editing skills to produce the image — of portly and irascible major-league umpire Joe West ejecting NotGraphs — which thereafter became the official logo for the present site.

As of this AM, that logo has been replaced by a new and morbid variation on the theme, care of avant-garde male model Patrick Dubuque. In the case of this image, one finds not only Joe West but also, in West’s right hand, a scythe — with which dated agricultural instrument he intends, presumably, to murder the present site to death.


This Weblog Will Expire in Three Months

Inventor of the essay and non-stop Frenchman Michel de Montaigne argues within his ample works that a necessary condition for experiencing real pleasure is the certain knowledge that one must eventually die. Without acknowledging the end of a thing, one is necessarily haunted by the inevitability of that end. But by recognizing death as fact, the reality of the present moment can be enjoyed without reservation.

Nor is this summary of Montaigne’s work merely an attempt by the present author to exhibit for everyone his Wide Reading. Rather, it serves as some context for the the following announcement — namely that, approximately three months from now, all contributors to NotGraphs.com will cease contributing to same and that the site will remain frozen in its then-current state until the end of time.

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How to Identify Certain FanGraphs Authors at Tonight’s Meetup

Tonight (Friday), FanGraphs hosts a gathering at The Mead Hall in Cambridge, MA. With a view to helping readers identify the FanGraphs personnel in attendance, the present author has provided succinct descriptions of each below.

David Appelman, Founder
Wears necklace of human heads, each of which (i.e. each of which head) is wearing another, smaller necklace of human heads. Is generally not without a glistening lamb shank in one hand and still-beating human heart (perhaps yours?) in other. Has third hand, too — although best not to inquire about it.

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Results: NotGraphs Villanelle Challenge

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It was an emotional weekend at NotGraphs Staff Headquarters in Kamloops, British Columbia. Tears were shed, throats were punched, and the situation grew desperate when Eno Sarris poured out all the Kokanee in a fit of beer-righteous rage. Somehow, in the eleventh hour, a hasty and ill-advised compromise was hammered out, and we can now declare the results of the mercifully completed Villanelle Challenge.

Separate winners were selected from the staff and from the readership. The latter will have the honor of having their poem read aloud during a subsequent episode of FanGraphs Audio by none other than the until-this-moment-unaware Carson Cistulli, while Dayn Perry shudders as the structured rhyme violates his delicate sensibilities. They will also receive, via postal mail delivery, a 1983 Topps Von Hayes baseball card in Very Good condition, retailing at $0.03. The winner of the staff division will win a Dick Allen shrinkydink, which is naturally priceless.

Without further ado, the envelope:

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Sneak Peek of Completed FanGraphs Redesign!


Click to embiggen in terms of size.

As has been noted already in these same electronic pages, CEO and founder David Appelman recently instituted the first phase of a hot new redesign for FanGraphs.

Here, for the first time (!), we reveal a sneak peek of the completed FanGraphs redesign. “Hello,” it almost seems to say, “my name is the future!”

Image courtesy the singular Dan Szymborski.


FanGraphs Pairs with GeoCities for Fresh, New Look


FanGraphs CEO David Appelman says an animated backdrop might be coming soon, as well.

ARLINGTON, VA — Citing the need for “a hot new design that absolutely screams ‘2013’,” FanGraphs founder and CEO David Appelman has partnered with internet powerhouse GeoCities to produce a new layout for the popular baseball stats and analysis site.

“I’ve been real excited with the sort of growth FanGraphs has seen in recent years, and the attention we’ve begun to receive from the mainstream media,” said Appelman, “but, for some time now, I’ve really thought it was essential to produce a home page that represented visually what we’re trying to do intellectually. GeoCities was the obvious choice to help us with that.”

Appelman’s decision was, of course, made more difficult by the fact that GeoCities — which rose to prominence as one of the internet’s earliest web-hosting services — by the fact that it hasn’t been available in the United States since 2009.

“That was definitely a bump in the road,” said Appelman with a laugh. “But my vision is so clear on this — I absolutely demanded that we make this happen.”

As of press time, Appelman was working on uploading an amusing MIDI file to accompany the site’s landing page.


Attention: “Ephemera” Now a Category at Q&A

When FanGraphs founder and CEO and muscled champion David Appelman announced yesterday the launch of FanGraphs Q&A, it’s very possible that the reader — the reader of Important Internet Weblog™ NotGraphs — did not suppose that it (i.e. the launch of FanGraphs Q&A) would shake the very foundations of our society. Indeed, even the present author suspected nothing of the sort.

However, yesterday, in the course of my daily practice, I was visited by a light — not unlike that which visited Paul on the Damascene Road — a light accompanied by a voice which said, “Carson! Carson! Ask Appelman to add a category — namely, Ephemera — to that new FanGraphs Q&A page. Forsooth, it will amuse at least three or four people. Ask him politely, of course, lest he remove your testicles from your person and send them to opposite ends of the world.”

Upon the completion of said vision, I hurriedly composed an email requesting the addition of Ephemera as a category. And Appelman, sometime not too long after that, added Ephemera as a category. And now it can be said — without much in the way of hyperbole — that the very foundations of our society are decidedly atremble.

Even now, less than 24 hours later, one can find all manner of thought-provoking question.

Spelling questions, like:

Appelman or Appleman?

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Submit Questions for Meaningless Dayn Perry Podcast

Dayn Perry and I are recording his meaningless weekly podcast appearance at 8pm ET tonight (Tuesday).

Feel free to submit questions or comments or notices of paternity in the comment section below.

Also, if you care for the show, and have some interest in seeing it one day surpass the Orvis Fly Fishing podcast in the iTunes rankings, consider leaving a comment at iTunes (link), as the algorithm for said rankings appears to weight the volume of comments received rather heavily.