Archive for UETAMEJ!

UETAMEJ: Red Sox Cannibal Offseason


The stamp trade.

Nick Cafardo has the scoop:

This is … going to be the story of … fingers … Ben Cherington and his staff … needed some …

“I know they’re trying to sell [fingers],” said a National League general manager, “but it’s just not … that simple.”

The Red Sox … want … the lavish ways … right now.

But when you are the Boston Red Sox and you have $80 million-$90 million to spend, it’s tough … to be disciplined.

Let’s say the Red Sox … fill their needs — all of them.

Then comes the integration part.

One of the reasons for hiring John Farrell is that he has some … rough edges. …

… That was a disaster in every way. But will the Red Sox again … go with … karma …?

With every move they make, we’re sure, the Sox are … something …

It’s interesting to devour … Nate Silver … Silver, a former Baseball Prospectus contributor, … used a lot of data and metrics to win the election …

Yet … Giants … are … the godfather of … stamp … trades …


UETAMEJ!

I know what you’re thinking: “What is UETAMEJ, and what can it do for me?” Like the best acronyms, UETAMEJ is pronounceable (our own Bradley Woodrum pronounces it “you-da-mage“) and fits conveniently on the full complement of CafePress swag. As you’ve probably already guessed, it stands for, “Using Ellipses Toward A More Evil Journalism.” I hardly need to say this, but the practice of UETAMEJ, which is as ancient as it is sacred, entails the use of the ellipsis in tandem with words and phrases ripped from context and stripped of intended meaning.

This week’s victim is America’s Step-Father Dan Shaughnessy, who recently declared from on high that neither the Red Sox nor the Yankees will win the World Series. Yawn, it would seem. But what’s really going on? Peer more deeply and you’ll find an old Shaughnessy staple: the sexy tone-poem!

Release the UETAMEJ!

[S]tare at one another from a distance … Why not? … collision … bursting … four hours and 21 minutes … Deep … every night. Dominant and … laden. Let’s start … A bone … buffeted … in … a bust. [I]s anyone uncomfortable … ? Let’s not forget … the toilet. Mocking the … shape … the mound … the rotund … favorite … ball … Nobody feels good … for the next three weeks.

Behold the evil journalism!


UETAMEJ Reflects On Crazy Carlos Zambrano

Double Secret Suspension! The worst of all suspensions!

Well, needless to say, Chicago’s northside has entered full-on circus mode — an annual tradition for the Cubs. Their one-time ace (though not a real ace by any non-Cubs standards) has essentially left the team after getting blown up by Chipper Jones and the Atlanta Braves.

The Cubs management, ever-eager to dump his contract, have done their darnedest to accommodate his brief flirtations with retirement while the Chicago media does its bestest efforts to paint the portrait of an irate, insane, ungrateful Venezuelan. Well, amidst this fine display of hatchetry, let us delve into the archives of a one Steve Rosenbloom, a lumberjack among woodpeckers, and enjoy a brief UETAMEJ of his piece entitled: “Can the Cubs out-stupid Zambrano?

What is UETAMEJ? Inventor Dayn Perry defines it as, “Using Ellipses Toward A More Evil Journalism,” and thief Bradley Woodrum pronounces you-da-mage, like a gangsta complimenting a wizard.

In the following article, Rosenbloom chastises Zambrano for flying to Guatemala to adopt his son, but the UETAMEJ helps tell the real story. Engage the ellipses!

Steve Rosenbloom … can make … Zambrano … seem to have a body of stupidity …

It’s a close battle, I’m … a bad … neutered … goof … as tone deaf as the Fanboy Owner … reaching new and difference [sic] levels of stupidity.

Zambrano … pantsed … the big goof … on an airplane. This spasm of lucidity could impact the Cubs’ chances reaching first place in the Frickin’ Idiot League.

Now get a load of this: Zambrano plans to … say “…Dopes all around, it looks like.[“] …

[To which] his manager … says, “Thank you, sir, … I … hasn’t seemed sharp mentally or physically … Stinking it up is certainly a way to guarantee a lifetime in a Cubs uniform.[“]

… [I]t has been … time … for stupidity at Wrigley …

Anyway, back to lesson [sic] here: … Zambrano … was … [t]he only reason … fans … didn’t .. like [the] Cubs … the best baseball organization …

[Now the] Cubs … [will] try to con everybody into thinking … this ought to be exciting …

Seriously, how can a man working for a proper newspaper have 2 very real typos in a column that’s less than 600 words? I have 1 typo between 3 posts of 1000 words, and commenters send me anthrax-laced envelopes!

Kudos to Carlos Zambrano for putting in ten years at the most backward baseball organization outside of Kansas City. I would’ve gone nuts in four.


UETAMEJ!

I know what you’re thinking: “What is UETAMEJ, and what can it do for me?” Like the best acronyms, UETAMEJ is pronounceable and fits conveniently on the full complement of CafePress swag. As you’ve probably already guessed, it stands for, “Using Ellipses Toward A More Evil Journalism.” I hardly need to say this, but the practice of UETAMEJ, which is as ancient as it is sacred, entails the use of the ellipsis in tandem with words and phrases ripped from context and stripped of intended meaning.

This week’s victim is the likable and excellent Ray Ratto, who recently penned a likable and excellent column on last night’s absurd happenings in Atlanta. But what’s he really saying?

Release the UETAMEJ!

Jerry Meals[,] . . . acknowledge that this is . . . the crime of the century. Jerry Meals screwed this one up, spectacularly so, . . . because he is inherently evil. God in heaven, will you please . . . murder . . . Jerry Meals[?] Because it is my firm belief that . . . baseball would benefit from . . . the . . . murder . . . of . . . Jerry Meals. Reasonable people can . . . shut up.

I . . . will . . . be . . . in the only bar in Atlanta that stays open beyond 3 a.m. . . . with . . . a jackhammer[,] . . . Tim Donaghy[,] . . . some . . . hallucinogens[,] . . . and . . . a tomato with eyes.

Behold the evil journalism!