Archive for Unreliable Source

What We Were Talking About Four Years Ago

There exists a modern analog to the Oracle at Delphi, and that analog is Yahoo! Answers, where wisdom is dispensed like rubbers from a truck-stop vending machine. So what were baseball fans wondering about four years ago? This, natch:

And what sayeth the Oracle? Many things, actually, all of them varying shades of inane. It turns out that the modern analog to the Oracle at Delphi is stupid and unhelpful. What else will disappoint on this hollow, purposeless day?

This is Vic Tayback’s grave:


Spotted on Wikipedia: Subtle Racist Test?

As you all undoubtedly know, I spend about half my waking hours researching my Fangraphs pieces, which means about 5 of the 20 daily hours I spend working at the computer go the sole scouring of Wikipedia, our culture’s depository for generally agreed-upon knowledge. Anyway, for reasons somewhat beyond me, I ended up recently at the Wikipedia entry for the Caribes de Anzoátegui, a top baseball team in the Venezuelan Winter League, wherein I spotted this subtle typo:

I dunno, perchance it’s just society, but I am not certain whether (1) the author merely misplaced a G, or if (2) the author — likely an ESL such person — tried to sound out “foreign” and ended up with a meng-like solution. And therein lies the quandary: Does the mere doubt make me a racist?

Yes. Probably.

I take comfort in assuming, however, that my colleague Dayn Perry — Mississippi native — would have only considered the second option, while Boss Carson Cistulli (Boss ‘Stul for short) — who spends literally half his time in France, the other half travelling to France — would not have even noticed the error in his French-addled mind.

Reader: Also take note that Dmitri Young is no longer on the Caribes. Which is sad.

:(

Read the rest of this entry »


SCOOP: Footage Of Jonathan Papelbon Negotiations

Our sources have released yet-seen footage of the Jonathan Papelbon negotiations with the Philadelphia Phillies GM, Ruben Amaro Jr. It cost many lives to retrieve this information:

Many thanks for the share belong to reader M. Santaspirt — no, that’s too obvious — Matthew S.


First Moment in Spectacles: Will White, Deacon White

Will White was — and in some senses, still is — this man:

You, dear reader — likely bespectacled and alone in a little gray cubicle of life — will notice a strange tingling sensation in the anterior chambers of your eyeballs as you look at yonder picturegraph. This is the feeling of MAJESTY enrapturing your ocular cavities. Do not be alarmed, but do know you will likely require the visitation of a physician and/or mortician at some point today.

For above we have featured:

THE VERY FIRST EVER
GREAT MOMENT IN SPECTACLES HISTORY.

Yes, the faint, white circles around the honorable Will White’s eyes are nothing less than Baseball’s First Glasses (according to this spurious site). And couched appropriately beneath those darling rounds — why, the curled mustache of king.

Also he’s bald.

That, in the biz, is what we call, “A Grand Slamming.”

Will White was a pitcher for Red Caps, Reds, Wolverines, and Red Stockings, and pitched as old as age-31, which in modern years, is about 65 years old.

White’s career reached an obvious down-slope, however, when in 1885 he twirled a scant 293.1 innings of 3.53 ERA ball. A clearly broken man at that point, he pitched only three more games before presumably spending the rest of his days crawling through the depths of some grimy coal mine, drowning the sorrows of his ever-failing vision on cocaine-laced, alcohol-rich Coca-Cola.

The brother of this man, Deacon White, obviously got the first hit in the first inning of the first professional game in history.

And, unsurprisingly as Science has led us to understand that the Mustachioed Gent is in every wear Superior to the Smooth Lipped Ninny, the good Deacon White sports a lip fur salaried not only to catch soups, but fast- and curve-balls as well:

Why of course Deacon played for the Forest Citys, Bisons, and Alleghenys. What else would you expect?


Twenty New Terms for Curveball


Hans Urs von Balthasar: Not just a leading 20th century theologian anymore.

Each year, a number of new terms enter baseball’s colorful lexicon. Below are the twenty new words and phrases for curveball. To gain entry, each term has to have been used or overheard in a “legitimate” baseball situation — that is, either on a diamond, in a press box, or in one of Craig Counsell’s numerous and vivid erotic dreams.

Here are this year’s entries, arranged in alphabetical order:

Breathtaking Short Film
C Cup
Crotch Winder
Freudian Slip
Furious, Spinning Lap Dance
Read the rest of this entry »


A Clamping Impact Man: Tony La Russa’s Press Conference, Translated

Tony La Russa’s Monday press conference seems to have caused further confusion about his use of pitchers during Game 5 of this 2011 World Series. I thought I should try to parse La Russa’s explanation, so I used Yahoo’s Babelfish tool to translate Tony into German and then back again to English. I think this sheds more light on his true intentions. Questions are in their original tongue, punctuation was edited for clarity.

Q: Could you take us through the thought process leaving Rzepczynski to pitch to Napoli?

La Russa: Well which happened, was that twice the region didn’t hear Motte’s name. They heard Rzepczynski’s and it didn’t receive moth (as both loose received should). I looked and moth wasn’t there above going. Thus I demanded back moth and her rose Lynn. That’s why it wasn’t me today throw been supposed wasn’t in such a way, which goes letting it throw, this Schlagmann. It straight threw the preheating and went it and to moth was ready. I don’t know, if it were loud, probably material loud. It straight didn’t hear second time. They heard “Rzepczynski” and it didn’t hear “Motte” and as I back designated, said I “Moth,” they heard “Lynn.” Thus I went there, wrong chap out. He’s, which does not go throwing today. I said, “If you decrease/go back, keep ready” to moth. We’ll way the chap because I don’t wish Lynn — it is not to throw. I didn’t would like to injure it. And then moth came in. That’s why — it must be loud. I give credit note to the fans.

Read the rest of this entry »


Mets Announce “Substantial” Citi Field Changes

According to ESPN, the Mets are set to announce “substantial” changes to Citi Field to make it friendlier to hitters. The article says that there will be a new (shorter) left field wall, and the fence in right-center field will be moved 250 feet closer to home plate. Oh, sorry, 25 feet. I misread that.

Other changes not mentioned in the piece:

  • A sinkhole near the visiting team’s on-deck circle. You mean you didn’t see it? And now Albert Pujols is missing? Oops. Read the rest of this entry »

Verlander Unavailable During Off-Season

In a highly unorthodox move, Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland announced during a press conference yesterday that he was shutting down ace Justin Verlander for the entirety of the off-season.

“With an arm like that, you don’t want to take any chances,” Leyland said.  “So, yeah, he’s done  for the off-season.  I don’t want him pitching, playing catch, signing autographs, giving interviews, going to see Reel Steel, baking anything, going out in public.  Really, all we’re gonna let him do in the next couple of months is to brush his teeth – with his left hand of course – and some light pool workouts.”

Later, he added: “You’re absolutely going to see Justin again.  Just not until opening day.”

Approached after the anouncement Leyland, characteristicaly enigmatic, kept repeating these three phrases – ‘no-brainer’, ‘slam dunk’, and ‘whiffle ball’ – before rolling back to Tiger headquarters on his motorized scooter.

It appears the wheels are already in motion as Verlander could not be reached or  found for comment.


Red Sox Janitor: “What a Mess!”

“You think The Boston Globe told you the whole story, with Terry Francona’s drug addiction, Jon Lester’s fried chicken binge eating, and Theo Epstein turning a blind eye? You don’t know the half of it. The real story behind the Red Sox September collapse goes so much deeper. First, there’s the prostitution ring Jason Varitek was running from the dugout. Then there’s Dan Wheeler introducing a flesh-eating virus that devoured much of the bullpen. And you can’t forget David Ortiz, working with scientists to create secret clones of most of his teammates that were 40% less good at playing baseball than the real versions. There’s a closet in the bowels of the stadium where the real Carl Crawford and Daniel Bard are trapped, surviving only on the remains of Joey Gathright and Lars Anderson. And let’s not forget the distraction that Zombie Matt Albers created, trying to eat the other players.

Read the rest of this entry »


BoogieBall: An Unfilmed Scene from MoneyBall

"You're out of your depth."
“You’re out of your depth.”

Okay, so I may have called the Moneyball movie “boring.” Perhaps it could have been spiced-up a bit by adopting Bradley Woodrum’s excellent suggestions. But I may need to revise my opinion now that I have happened across one of the many revisions of the script. This particular reivision was done by noted directory Paul Thomas Anderson. One unfilmed scene from Anderson’s script between Brad Pitt’s Billy Beane and Anderson-favorite Philip Seymour Hoffman Art Howe really stood out to me.

—————————–
INT. A’s OFFICES – THAT MOMENT

BILLY BEANE and PETER BRAND emerge from Billy’s office and walk done the hallway…. PETER’s eyes widen and he ducks into the video room… BILLY keeps walking…. ARTIE H. approaches…

ARTIE H.: Hey, Billy.

BILLY: Artie, hey, what’s up, man?

ARTIE H.: Freaking lost again, y’know, right?

BILLY: Four in row.

ARTIE H.: Right. Hey, did you see my new lineup for tonight’s game?

BILLY: You have a new lineup?

ARTIE H.: Yeah, you wanna see?

BILLY: Sure.

Read the rest of this entry »