Coming Soon: Baseball Commissioner 2014

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As a child you thrilled at the life-like realism of Intellivision Baseball, the plink of the wooden bat, the ghostly Theremin of the pop fly. As you grew older, your tastes grew more sophisticated, and the video game industry responded. Soon you were buying your own players and building your own rosters, until you left the field behind and began running franchises through the glittery spreadsheets of Out of the Park and Baseball Mogul. But as you brought the 2024 Houston Astros to their fourth consecutive World Series, you began to wonder: what’s next? How do I add yet another layer to the metaphorical onion of my illusory baseball experience?

Prepare yourself for the ultimate challenge with Baseball Commissioner 2014. Instead of manipulating a single player on the mound or running a single franchise, you’re responsible for maintaining the esoteric concept of baseball itself. You decide how to manipulate the media when scandal breaks! You hand out the suspensions and decide how many games there are! You choose the wording in your press releases to maximize delivered connotation! You’re no longer a part of the game. You are the game.

Tired of games where you stare at spreadsheets and fake e-mail accounts? Baseball Commissioner 2014 doesn’t even let you use a computer in-game. Instead, issue orders to fully-3D rendered interns and take phone calls recorded by professional voice actors. Plus, you’ll get to watch FMV of your favorite players squirming as you berate them in your office for their off-field indiscretions!

Like any good simulation, however, you don’t just have to play by the rules. Think of baseball as your personal sandbox. Add four more Wild Card teams and watch the pandemonium. Move Oakland’s home games to Australia. Contract the league down to twelve teams. Restore the fair-foul bunt. Or, if you find yourself missing the daily baseball operations of a team, absorb the Tampa Bay Rays as a protectorate and run them yourselves! Or, more accurately, have Digital Frank Robinson run them for you.

Baseball Commissioner 2014 isn’t just a simulation game, either; it blends baseball with RPG elements to create a more enriched gaming experience. You can obtain accessories that enhance your skills: wear a red power tie to improve your negotiation skills with the union, discover the golden Cross pen that doubles the weight of your signature, or drink some Red Bull before poring over that collective bargaining agreement. Optimize your schedule, organizing appointments, appearances, interviews, and power naps. And the game’s challenge increases as you grow more experienced, and your commissioner inches closer to retirement age.

Do you have what it takes to steer the game of baseball through these troubled times, earn millions and get enshrined in the Hall of Fame? Or will you be ousted by the owners and ridiculed by bloggers? The sanctity of baseball is in your hands. It’s up to you, Mr. Commissioner!

Look for Fantasy Commissioner 2014 on Kickstarter soon.




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Patrick Dubuque writes for NotGraphs and The Hardball Times, and he served as former Bill Spaceman Lee Visiting Professor for Baseball Exploration at Pitchers & Poets. Follow him on Twitter @euqubud.


17 Responses to “Coming Soon: Baseball Commissioner 2014”

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  1. AKA says:

    I can’t be the only one who wishes this was a real game.

    +19 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Joe says:

    The rare funny NotGraphs post. good job, this is awesome.

    -9 Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Damaso's Burnt Shirt says:

    My only comment is in this RPG why does the commissioner’s charisma only go up to 3 and why is he always called “Brutalitops the Magician”?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Anonymous says:

    This game is hard as hell. I’m searching for the magical robot that calls balls and strikes, but I keep getting trounced by a tough boss named “Joe West.” Any tips?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Oh, Beepy. says:

      Give up on actually solving the quest, what you need to do is go into the Press Release menu and draft up a speech about preserving the integrity of the game by ensuring that the Human Element remains unbesmirched.

      This tip can be generally applied to any quest you’re having trouble solving. When you get to the boss thats A giant immovable Rod, you’ll have to get really creative to avoid losing some of your hard earned Yankee-Reputation progress.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. JP's Dropped Balls says:

    I’d assign Loria to own the Yankees and Red Sox?

    Imagine all the fans you could create for yourself – 28 teams worth of fans would love you once the firesales started.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Nick says:

    All this world really needs right now is a virtual universe where Banknotes Harper is the sole proprietor of Major League Baseball. Let’s make this happen.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. James says:

    Ban all the players!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. rEsPeCt says:

    make the all star game represent 70% of a team’s regular season winning percentage

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. Freakshow says:

    Transform September into a series of 1 game playoffs between every team in baseball to determine who makes the World Series.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  10. Jacob says:

    Why is this not in the Steam Workshop already???

    Vote -1 Vote +1