Commissioner’s Statement Regarding Miami-Toronto Trade

In order to more fully understand the Commissioner’s reasoning, I have used Google’s powerful language tools to translate his statement from English into Japanese, then Czech, then Hebrew, then Vietnamese, then Afrikaans, then Russian, then Arabic, then Welsh, then back to English:

Since Tuesday, I have an agreement between the Miami Marlins and Toronto Blue Jay to be considered carefully. Welfare Division I baseball and our agreements for such transactions. I also have a contribution to participate in the transaction in the past, and consult with an experienced baseball operations.

Not after careful analysis of this information, including the prospects and young players and high reputation, and established the National Society, and the project agreement Baseball Club Baseball League 2 is consistent with the reliability current rules restrict what deductive, and is designed to improve the energy performance of all teams finish in time to avoid the same, of course, all transactions should be connected now or in the future in order to improve the ability of competitive and reasonable, but if any fans

“I understand, to hear from baseball on Tuesday, and I completely and organizations in the field of corporate social responsibility and social importance, and are sensitive to the interests of the masses of Bmarlins Miami this agreement, the club, and event value of our efforts to account Marlins Marlins rather than the information in the future together we beautiful part of the Miami community, to look forward to, to feel the force will continue to assess the situation under control, to fulfill the promise of ownership Marlins, they share this belief, it is committed to creating long-term team can be proud of its fans altogether.

Ah, now I get it.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


5 Responses to “Commissioner’s Statement Regarding Miami-Toronto Trade”

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  1. Ashitaka says:

    You win, sir.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Nik says:

    Everything is so clear now.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. AYN RAND says:

    I feel sorry for Bmarlin’s Miami.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. williams .482 says:

    “the force will continue to assess the situation …”

    So I guess this means Jedi make lousy GMs.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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