Congratulations, registered user.

Great news, registered user. You won a pizza. Did you realize you won a pizza. Did you. Congratulations.

Your pizza will arrive shortly. Congratulations. We’re excited for you. We’re also excited about the no-hitter that entitled you to this pizza. Did you see the final out. It was something. Always is under those circumstances. Hope you enjoy the pizza.

Have you ordered with us before. We hope you’ll consider doing business with us again. Next time, would you consider actually paying for our goods and services. Trying to run a business here. We’re franchised. Did you know that. So it’s really on us to execute all these ideas that corporate comes up with. Ideas that cost us money. Anyway, congratulations.

You’d think a location with our revenues and located in this hollowed-out, post-industrial Midwestern butt-scape would be exempted from this kind of promotion, but I suppose that’s asking for too much. Congratulations. Fucking Obama.

How old are you. We ask because ordering a pizza such as ours is fun for, say, pre-teens and adolescents. If you’re well into adulthood, though, then it’s something you do by force of habit and, at the same time, a willful diminishing of oneself — like making sheep noises while you crap.

Anyhow, congratulations on your free pizza. Hope you like it. Remember, 30 minutes or it’s free. Oh right. Never mind.

I live in a window-less efficiency above a funeral home. It’s an attic with an exterior staircase, really. I find the inconsolable weeping from below is loudest on Thursdays, for whatever reason. My icebox is slowly falling through the floor, so at this point I hear everything. By now, the sobbing is like a bad song stuck in my head.

So congratulations.

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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.

18 Responses to “Congratulations.”

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  1. Simon says:

    This is many days late.

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  2. Stockhfcrx says:

    How fitting that the icebox is embroiled in a slow decent into a funeral parlor. After all, Dan perry is asleep in the crisper

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  3. nets says:

    Sheep noises are invigorating. Otherwise, good execution, powerful hip thrust. Too many only throw their arms at topics.

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  4. Train says:


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    • Røark says:

      The real Dayn Perry would not allow any of his writing into Miami, let alone have it published there “on demand.”

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  5. Bobby says:

    When will someone do an ANALysis on Papa John’s half off deals and what it takes for all teams?

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  6. I’ll immediately grab your rss as I can not find your email subscription link or e-newsletter service. Do you’ve any? Kindly let me know so that I could subscribe. Thanks.

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