Contents of the Derek Jeter Gift Basket

[Read this post from yesterday if you don’t know what I’m talking about, then come back.]

1. Derek Jeter signed baseball.
2. Bottle of Driven, Derek Jeter’s personally-designed cologne, a blend of chilled grapefruit, clean oak moss, spice, pine tar, batting glove sweat, and Jeter’s own urine.
3. Gillette Venus razor, so you can groom yourself to Yankee standards. Come on, you can’t expect Derek to let you stay the night if you have stray and errant hairs.
4. Gatorade, to replenish the fluids you’ve lost.
5. Tide stain stick, to get rid of the fluids you’ve gained.
6. One month’s membership to your nearest Derek Jeter Signature 24 Hour Fitness location, so you look good enough for Derek to forget he’s had sex with you already and invite you back for a second turn.
7. A jar of Skippy peanut butter. Smooth, not chunky. Just like you.
8. Chlamydia




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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Mingy
Guest
Mingy
4 years 8 months ago

9. Pair of tickets to the seats in Yankees stadium with negative legroom

glassSheets
Guest
glassSheets
4 years 8 months ago

I can appreciate the efforts put in by The Captain in designing his cologne, but I would have opted for dirty oak moss instead of clean oak moss. Another squabble would be using the grapefuit when it was chilled to the first blue bar on the outside of the fruit instead of the second blue bar signifying it was really chilled.

Yirmiyahu
Member
Yirmiyahu
4 years 8 months ago

4. Gatorade, to replenish the fluids you’ve lost.
5. Tide stain stick, to get rid of the fluids you’ve gained.

Bravo.

Chef
Guest
Chef
4 years 8 months ago

Link title made me hope for a .gif…

nubillybaroo
Guest
nubillybaroo
4 years 8 months ago

what?! no cheese straws?! the picture shows cheese straws!!

Avielth
Member
Member
Avielth
4 years 8 months ago

Are you implying that derek jeter has chlamydia? That seems a bit uncalled for and libelous!

zzzzipp
Guest
zzzzipp
4 years 8 months ago

DEREK JETER HAS A ROOM FULL OF CHLAMYDIA THAT HE ONLY KEEPS SO HE CAN GIVE IT AWAY

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