Conversation with my wife about fantasy baseball

“Are we doing anything on Saturday, March 17th?”

“2012, or are we talking even more than three months into the future?”

“2012.”

“Okay, I have no idea.”

“So it’s okay to schedule a fantasy baseball auction for that afternoon?”

“What time?”

“I don’t know yet. Does it matter?”

“Of course it doesn’t matter– it’s three months from now. I was trying to be funny.”

“There’s nothing funny about my fantasy baseball auction.”

“Sadly, I know.”

“I know you know.”

“So is this the league with real friends for real money, real friends for fake money, fake friends for real money, fake friends for fake money, or no friends for my money?”

“Fake friends for fake money.”

“But at least they’re real players, right?”

“Real players, but fake statistics.”

“Great. So where’s the auction?”

“Here.”

“Fake friends are coming here? Not the one who sends the crazy e-mails, right? I think he needs help.”

“He probably does.”

“He doesn’t know where you live, does he?”

“He does, but he’s not coming here. No one’s going anywhere. It’s in front of the computer.”

“A real computer, or a fake computer?”

“Very funny.”

“I know. So how many hours is this thing?”

“How many hours is it usually?”

“Three more than you tell me it’s going to be.”

“Then let’s say that.”

“And eight hours in front of your computer is fun because…?”

“I don’t know. It’s not.”

“So you do it because…?”

“Because I do it every year.”

“And that’s a good reason because…?”

“If you told me we were going to a wedding that day, I could get out of it.”

“We wouldn’t have even gotten an invitation yet to a wedding that’s three months away.”

“Why not?”

“Because people send wedding invitations eight weeks in advance.”

“Why eight weeks?”

“I don’t know, that’s the rule.”

“Why is that a rule?”

“I don’t know. What’s the difference?”

“If you told me we were going to a wedding that day, I could get out of the fantasy baseball auction, and probably out of the league altogether.”

“But we’re not, so that’s good… right?”

“What if I said I want to go to a wedding that day?”

“You never want to go anywhere, let alone anywhere you have to dress up. What are you talking about?”

“You can help me get out of it. I’m tired of this. I hate fantasy baseball.”

“So why do you do it?”

“Because I’ve been doing it for so long that I feel like I have to.”

“You don’t want to disappoint your fake friends?”

“Sort of.”

“But they’re not real.”

“They’re real people, I just don’t know them.”

“Just like the players are real, but you don’t know them either?”

“Sort of.”

“Just say you don’t want to do it anymore.”

“I need to blame it on something.”

“So say we’re going to a wedding.”

“I don’t want to lie to fake friends about a fake wedding.”

“But you’re okay with the fake statistics?”

“Maybe I should start from the beginning.”




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


8 Responses to “Conversation with my wife about fantasy baseball”

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  1. Kirkwood says:

    This was truly fantastic.

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  2. Adam_Done says:

    Jeremy has gender gap power.

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  3. Jon L. says:

    This is a good play. I got out of fantasy baseball a few years ago because I get obsessive about it. Last year, someone nearly lured me back in with tales of an opening in his keeper league that only allows lineup changes once per week – much less time-consuming! I felt like an addict being offered an easy lifetime supply of drugs – I knew it was bad for me, but I craved it so much.

    Luckily, good sense prevailed, and nowadays I fulfill all my life responsibilities while spending no more than a couple of hours per day reading about baseball.

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  4. DD says:

    I am now forwarding this to my wife, who will also laugh hysterically at how perfectly this dialogue matches our own.

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  5. Luke says:

    Love this line: “What if I said I want to go to a wedding that day?”

    I don’t mind being addicted to fantasy baseball. As long as I can keep from drafting more than 3 or 4 teams next year … sigh

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  6. juan pierres mustache says:

    “wait, so baseball happens more than once a week? football was bad enough!”

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  7. Hold it. If your draft is March 17, you had better confirm that you’re not doing anything on March 14, 15, or 16 either.

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