Craft a Saucy Riposte to Carlos Beltran

Certain Cardinals were piqued by things the Dodgers did last night that did not involve the Dodgers having more runs than them at the end of nine innings. One such comment by a Cardinal was expertly rebutted by the accused Dodger. Observe:

Adam Wainwright: “I saw Adrian doing some Mickey Mouse stuff at second, but I didn’t see Puig.”

Adrian Gonzalez: “I did what I always do, but we are in L.A., so Mickey Mouse is only an hour away”

Ka-chow! This appears to be a succulent comeback! Bravo, Adrian Gonzalez! The exchange reminded me of the 1990 point-and-click graphic adventure game The Secret of Monkey Island, wherein protagonist Guybrush Threepwood must swordfight pirates by hurling scathing insults and parrying lurid slurs with quickly conceived repartees. When one pirate might offer a jibe such as, “I’ve spoken with apes more polite than you,” one would receive a list of options with which to riposte. Voila:


The highlighted response is, of course, the ideal and most amusing rejoinder. Only with an abundance of wit and decent memory/functional pen and paper with which to record answers/functional internet (for 21st century players (pish-posh!)) can one defeat the pirates on Monkey Island and eventually throw down with the Sword Master (pictured).

Seeing as Wainwright’s comments were not the only fun-marshalling going on from the Cardinals’ roster, let us muster our wits and wiles to launch counter-sallies to Carlos Beltran, who took issue with Yasiel Puig enjoying a sporting event. Said Beltran:

“As a player, I just think [Puig] doesn’t know [how to act]… That’s what I think. He really doesn’t know. He must think that he’s still playing somewhere else.”

In the spirit of The Secret of Monkey Island, please select a response from the admittedly sorry options below, or posit thy own saucy riposte. The one I like most will be glorified forever in my next post, Thursday. For the sake of feeling the juju that arises only from receiving directed antagonism, the insult is altered to be directed at YOU.


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Zach is an egregious malcontent whose life goal is to literally become the London Tube. @itszachreynolds.

8 Responses to “Craft a Saucy Riposte to Carlos Beltran”

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  1. Don Mattingly says:

    How appropriate; you fight like a cow!

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  2. The Duke of LA says:

    It’s time to kick (Beltran’s) ass and chew bubblegum… and I’m all outta gum.

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  3. Scott Haselwood says:

    My submission:

    You’re right. I was far too subdued for having just hit a stand up triple. I thought we were in St. Louis and thus felt I should show the proper amount of respect for the game. Had I remembered we were in LA I would have totally lost my shit.

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  4. Gabes says:

    Who are you, Brian McCann?

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  5. Oh, Beepy says:

    I’d have caught that ball, too bad you wouldn’t have hit it.

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  6. Mike Green says:

    I know how to act, man. This is my Carlos Beltran in the outfield. It’s so easy even you can do it- stand still and wait for the ball to come to you.

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  7. Oh, Beepy says:

    by the way this article made me try Monkey Island for iphone (its free!) and its pretty cool thats about it guys thanks

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