Cub Mascots That Could Have Been

As my colleague Mr. Reynolds observed earlier today, the Chicago Cubs have just unveiled a new club mascot for the first time in over a hundredyear, which is a term for “century” that I believed to be real until I Googled it ten seconds ago. I’m sure I am not alone in finding the Cubs’ choice to be a controversial one. Was anyone consulted on this? Were any alternatives considered? Now that “Clark” (or, as Mr. Reynolds more aptly christened him, “Coked-Out Bear Child”) has been unilaterally instated as the face of the franchise, it’s clearly too late to offer our own suggestions. How sad it is, then, that I had so many good ideas — visions of Cubs for which costumes already existed: ideas now fated to shrivel like desiccated fruit, as do all dreams deferred. You are welcome to vote on the following, if you enjoy exercises in futility.

Lion Cub


Toddler and Kids Polar Bear Cub


Best Jaguar Cub Mascot


Maskottchen Eisbär “Ringo”


Sexy Snow Cub


Sexy Cub Scout


Piper Cub


Lion Cub Dog


“This Is My Bear Cub Costume” Pin




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4 Responses to “Cub Mascots That Could Have Been”

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  1. Jaack says:

    You are the hero Notgraphs needs, but not the one it deserves.

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  2. Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets says:

    Where do I vote at?

    Vote: ?

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  3. Jonah Keri's kid brother Abner says:

    Ummm, why does that large panda seemingly have a penis extruding from his paw? And don’t tell me it’s a thumb or some other tall tale. I’ve seen a few panda wangs in my day so I clearly know the difference.

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  4. DerekJeterGiftBasket says:

    Heading over to right now…

    Vote -1 Vote +1