Cub Mascots That Could Have Been

As my colleague Mr. Reynolds observed earlier today, the Chicago Cubs have just unveiled a new club mascot for the first time in over a hundredyear, which is a term for “century” that I believed to be real until I Googled it ten seconds ago. I’m sure I am not alone in finding the Cubs’ choice to be a controversial one. Was anyone consulted on this? Were any alternatives considered? Now that “Clark” (or, as Mr. Reynolds more aptly christened him, “Coked-Out Bear Child”) has been unilaterally instated as the face of the franchise, it’s clearly too late to offer our own suggestions. How sad it is, then, that I had so many good ideas — visions of Cubs for which costumes already existed: ideas now fated to shrivel like desiccated fruit, as do all dreams deferred. You are welcome to vote on the following, if you enjoy exercises in futility.

Lion Cub

Lion_Cub_bostoncostumedotcom

bostoncostume.com

Toddler and Kids Polar Bear Cub

Toddler_and_Kids_Polar_Bear_Cub_costumecrazedotcom

costumecraze.com

Best Jaguar Cub Mascot

Best_Jaguar_Cub_Mascot_dhgatedotcom

dhgate.com

Maskottchen Eisbär “Ringo”

RingoPHL04

animatronicbear.com

Sexy Snow Cub

Sexy_Snow_Cub_BigGalsLingeriedotcom

BigGalsLingerie.com

Sexy Cub Scout

Sexy_Cub_Scout_kevintumblesdottumblrdotcom

kevintumbles.tumblr.com

Piper Cub

Piper_Cub_coolest-homemade-costumesdotcom

coolest-homemade-costumes.com

Lion Cub Dog

Lion_Cub_Dog_Costume_birthdayexpressdotcom

birthdayexpress.com

“This Is My Bear Cub Costume” Pin

This_Is_My_Bear_Cub_Costume_Pin_zazzle_co_uk_gay_halloween_gifts

zazzle.co.uk/gay+halloween+gifts

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panda_1778809i




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4 Responses to “Cub Mascots That Could Have Been”

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  1. Jaack says:

    You are the hero Notgraphs needs, but not the one it deserves.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets says:

    Where do I vote at?

    Vote: ?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Jonah Keri's kid brother Abner says:

    Ummm, why does that large panda seemingly have a penis extruding from his paw? And don’t tell me it’s a thumb or some other tall tale. I’ve seen a few panda wangs in my day so I clearly know the difference.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. DerekJeterGiftBasket says:

    Heading over to BigGalsLingerie.com right now…

    Vote -1 Vote +1