Dadaist Scout Reveals Brief Excerpts from Notable Reports

Scouts
One of these men is the literary heir to Andre Breton and Tristan Tzara.

It has recently come to the attention of the present site that one of the major leagues’ 30 organizations has within its employ — for reasons that aren’t immediately clear, but remain entirely praiseworthy — has a scout who submits reports of a distinctly whimsical nature.

While not at liberty to reveal the identity either of that scout or the organization to which he belongs, there are indications that the work of that scout, however surreal, exerts some influence over the organization’s decision-making.

What follows, exclusive to this site and thanks to the generosity of the unnamed orgnizations are brief excerpts from reports that this Dadaist Scout has filed within recent years — all of them (i.e. all the excerpts) relating specifically, in this case, to the sound certain players produce when the ball comes off their bat.

The Sound off Miguel Cabrera’s Bat
Is like a weedwacker committing patricide.

The Sound off Edwin Encarnacion’s Bat
Is like Maya Angelou berating cruelly a Verizon associate.

The Sound off Bryce Harper’s Bat
Is like a stripper jumping out of a slightly larger stripper.

The Sound off Evan Longoria’s Bat
Is like Pantarguel inseminating the whole Lake District.

The Sound off David Ortiz’s Bat
It’s like bacon immolating itself.

The Sound off Buster Posey’s Bat
Is like butter attempting to procreate.

The Sound off Giancarlo Stanton’s Bat
Is like the wild sobs of the penultimate Etruscan.

The Sound off Mike Trout’s Bat
Is like a falcon leaving a voicemail.

The Sound off Joey Votto’s Bat
Is like yelling “Timber” from a inside a gas mask.



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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.


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Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets
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Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets

Yelling “Timber” from inside a gas mask is precisely how Pitbull got with JLo.

tz
Guest
tz

The Sound off Pete Kozma’s Bat
Is like wet socks attempting to kindle a bonfire.

Aaron
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Aaron

The Sound of Banknotes Harper’s Bat
The mewl of Schrödinger’s Cat within an unopened box
Sisyphus placing the stone, for good and all, at a permanent resting place at the mountain’s peak
Multitudes enveloping entirely different multitudes

Marilou Henner
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Marilou Henner

OH BABY!

John Paschal
Member

This just in: Toots Delvecchio approves.

Also just in is this: Toots approves thusly: “Lemme tell ya, I approve!”

In also is this, just: “The sound of a ball off Joey Bats’s bat is like the sound of a skull off Joey Bats’s (no relation) bat. Such is the word on the street.”

Toots also wishes to report that the sound of a ball off Dan Uggla’s bat is that of snow falling on cedars.

John Paschal
Member

Toots wishes to clarify that the aforementioned sound is not so much a ball OFF Uggla’s bat as it is a ball NEAR Uggla’s bat.

Toots thanks you for your time.

He does so thusly: “T’anks.”

Native America
Guest
Native America

Sound of Cistulli’s keyboard: like Evan Longoria’s bat broken on high heat
Sound of Perry’s keyboard: like Joey Votto’s bat preserved as a growing tree

Cameron’s keyboard, the sound: Encarnacion’s bat in an unopened fortune cookie
Sullvian’s: Harper’s nested strippers in a quiet recital hall

this sort of thing, but lacking the above author’s skill, like Kitty Genovese’s murder in Iraq

purebull
Member
purebull

hmph. i’ve always thought the sound of the ball coming off bryce harper’s bat was the sound of a big ‘fuck you’ to haters, so i guess i stand corrected…

Jenstrom
Guest
Jenstrom

The sound off A-Rod’s bat is the sound he makes when a needle enters his buttock.

Crack Davis
Member
Crack Davis

Hit the nail on the head with Longoria’s bat.

The sound off Paul Goldschmidt’s bat
Is like listening to Orson Welles read from an 1892 Death Bed Edition of Leaves of Grass:
“I am large, I contain multitudes.”

Crack Davis
Member
Crack Davis

The sound of the ball off Ron Washington’s bat was like that of the coke spoons embedded in the clear heals of Ike Turner’s platform shoes.

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