It has recently come to the attention of the present site that one of the major leagues’ 30 organizations has within its employ — for reasons that aren’t immediately clear, but remain entirely praiseworthy — has a scout who submits reports of a distinctly whimsical nature.
While not at liberty to reveal the identity either of that scout or the organization to which he belongs, there are indications that the work of that scout, however surreal, exerts some influence over the organization’s decision-making.
What follows, exclusive to this site and thanks to the generosity of the unnamed orgnizations are brief excerpts from reports that this Dadaist Scout has filed within recent years — all of them (i.e. all the excerpts) relating specifically, in this case, to the sound certain players produce when the ball comes off their bat.
The Sound off Miguel Cabrera’s Bat
Is like a weedwacker committing patricide.
The Sound off Edwin Encarnacion’s Bat
Is like Maya Angelou berating cruelly a Verizon associate.
The Sound off Bryce Harper’s Bat
Is like a stripper jumping out of a slightly larger stripper.
The Sound off Evan Longoria’s Bat
Is like Pantarguel inseminating the whole Lake District.
The Sound off David Ortiz’s Bat
It’s like bacon immolating itself.
The Sound off Buster Posey’s Bat
Is like butter attempting to procreate.
The Sound off Giancarlo Stanton’s Bat
Is like the wild sobs of the penultimate Etruscan.
The Sound off Mike Trout’s Bat
Is like a falcon leaving a voicemail.
The Sound off Joey Votto’s Bat
Is like yelling “Timber” from a inside a gas mask.
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