Dale Thayer Tours the Ballparks

When last we checked in with Dale Thayer, he was just about to knock on your door and ask to use your bathroom real quick.

“Dude, you in there? Gotta pee!”

Since then, Dale lost his job as the Padres’ closer and was bumped down to the team’s seventh inning guy, where he’s doing ok, he guesses, but he really wanted to maybe make the All-Star team, get his BBQ groove on in KC.

Alas, Dale ended up having the full four days off, and decided to take a tour of the ballparks that he’s visited as a player, but never seen from a fan’s perspective. First on the list was Milwaukee’s Miller Park.

First, Dale stopped at Lakefront Brewery, Milwaukee’s finest, and took a tour. Then, Dale got to feeling fancy, wanted a cocktail — a real nice sazerac, if you want to be specific — so he sought out The Hamilton. People were real nice there, so Dale tried all of their seasonal craft beverages, not to mention their cheese plates, charcuterie plates, and chocolates. Dale was feeling prrreetttty fine, then. In fact, he was just feeling pretty.

Then Dale remembered what he’d come to Milwaukee to do: to sample Miller Park’s Giant Slugger.

Giant Slugger ingredients: two feet each of pretzel bun, hot dog, chili, bacon, jalapeƱo, and yellow.

But when Dale got to Miller Park, it was closed. It was the All-Star break, duh. Dale felt dumb. He stooped outside the homeplate gate, then howled, “I just wanted a Giant Slugger!”

“Well, why didn’t you say so?”

Dale turned to see Gorman Thomas, former Brewers great and current Miller Park concessionnier, whose job it is to fulfill the culinary dreams of stumbling drunkards whether it’s a gameday or not.

“Really?” Dale said.

Gorman chuckled a dying walrus’s chuckle. “You know, Dale, you remind me of me when I was your age, except I wasn’t a pitcher. And I was an All-Star. In fact, you remind me of me nowadays, as I am no longer an All-Star but crave giant meat things more than ever.”

“Yeah, damn,” said Dale.

So, Gorman got his lackey, Borman, to whip up Giant Slugger for Dale.

“You know, a Giant Slugger normally feeds a family,” said Borman.

“Can it, Borman,” Gorman said. “You don’t know Dale.”

Long story short, Dale ate it all. And now, he’s probably gonna puke, right here in this conveniently placed Miller Park garbage can.

Borman (left) and Dale, post Giant Slugger.

Next up, SafeCo!

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14 Responses to “Dale Thayer Tours the Ballparks”

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  1. Jack says:

    Mmmm… Yellow

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  2. Kyle says:

    Sweet! Pumped for the Safeco adventure.

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  3. John says:

    First line/picture combo sooooo hilarious. TOTLOLZ!!!

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  4. ccoop says:

    this is fantastically more interesting than “the franchise”. can i produce a showtime 6 episode series? the only thing is, i’ll need you to hand over animation rights.

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  5. ChuckNChino says:

    Personally, I was hoping he would head to TX and get himself a broomstick and eat it next to some dudes statue in the OF concession stands…

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  6. rambodiaz says:

    Any mornin’ in which I read a reference to Stormin’ Gorman is a good mornin’.

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  7. that guy says:

    HAHAHAHA, I am very good friends with Dale and he loves these man. You gotta keep them coming!!

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    • Robert J. Baumann says:

      I really hope that’s true. Dale’s on the short list of people I’d love to chill with.

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      • that guy says:

        it is true, weve been friends since 8th grade. I hate to burst your bubble though, he is the exact opposite of the stories you tell about him.

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        • Robert J. Baumann says:

          My bubble is not burst: I never really thought he was anything like what I’m writing here. It’s just that pic of him is so amusing and evocative — could have been anyone, but I’m glad it was Dale.

          If he has the sense of humor to laugh at these, that says very good things about him.

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  8. that guy says:

    actually I take that back, the amount of food he can eat is right on. When we were in high school he ordered 20 mcdonalds cheeseburgers, ate 15 of them at the restaraunt then the other 5 while we were golfing. I am not joking

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  9. Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets says:

    I would love to attend a “NotGraphs Presents: Dale Thayer Night” at Miller Park the last series of the year. I can think of no better way to cap off another MLB season than having Dale join for a ol’ homemade slugg-er-ooski in a tailgate lot after the game.

    Did Dale Thayer just put out the grill with his rented PBR, haha, yeah he did. Next thing Dale knows he’s yelling “BINGO SUCKAZ” at Potawatomi to a group of 22 year olds wearing Yankee hats and Clay Mathews jerseys at 4:38 in the morning and skipping the team flight the next day so he can feel the thrill of air flowing through his unbuttoned jersey and flip flops while riding the new hog he just took from Uecker’s Harley-Davidson. Dale didn’t steal the Harley, though, he left 17 crinckled up one dollar bills that smell faintly of cherry blossom lotion Dale found in the fold of his hat after his BINGO hot streak ended, a glow in the dark bracelet that’ll still work if you put it in the freezer, a fake Chorizo racing sausage hat, and an IOU for a 2 hour bowling lesson.

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  10. nu? billy barooo says:

    First Dale story was better, more legendary… Though Gorman Thomas’ magical appearance helped.

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