Dan Reichert Leading League in Assassinations

Dan Reichert is and always has been a trendsetter.  In 1997, he was the first of eight consecutive first-round picks deployed by the Kansas City Royals on starting pitchers.  In 2008 he became the first Southern Maryland Blue Crab to have his contract purchased by a major league club.  (He never made it back to the bigs.)  And now Dan Reichert is at the head of a new fad: abandoning one’s own name, likely because of espionage.

The 34 year-old righty, who hasn’t been in the majors since 2003, signed a contract with the Uni-Presdient 7-Eleven Lions of the Chinese Professional Baseball League of Taiwan (league motto: Nice Play).  He was cut before the season, but renegotiated a week later for a reported $9,000 a month.  Thus far in the 2011 season, his Lions are in first place (out of four teams) and he leads the league with 8 wins and a 2.39 ERA.  He also sports a 62.8% GB% in 83 innings.

But what’s interesting about Dan Reichert is that he’s no longer Dan Reichert.  The CPBL, in an effort to acclimate foreign-born players to the local fan base, provide these gentlemen with new monikers on the back of their jerseys.  Reichert, for reasons that do not officially exist, goes by “Robert 38”.

I searched for Robert 38’s performance on the CPBL website, enlisting the feckless aid of the Google Chrome translation feature.  Doing so provided me with the greatest box score of all time:

(Click, as always, to embiggen.)

Based on these statistics, I can declare in complete candor that Taiwanese baseball is my kind of baseball.  Any sport that features garrison opportunities, assassinations, lost markets, failed rescues, and complete votes can only be amazing.  It reads like the script of a Jerry Bruckheimer movie.  What, one must ask, is a “pirate of the base resistance kill?”  Is it something that gets you extradited?

I’ll close this story with a passage from the Lions’ website, detailing the team’s recent loss on April 25th.  I suggest printing this section out, and reading it under the flickering light of a lone candle in a hurricane glass, while outside a coyote bays mournfully at a waning moon:

Today’s starting pitcher Robert quite satisfactory performance, pitched eight innings, hit a nine hits, but unfortunately was Lin Yi Bulls hit home runs all by surprise, the next three innings Bulls hit by a series of three hits, and pitcher Robert bad place, leading to loss of a quarter of a surprise attack by a single Board, as the game’s most critical inning.

The game play third base defense forces the Lions as a starter by the Liuyu Chen, Chang Tai-shan did not rest because of back problems with the team race. Lions face the Bulls pitcher to show the military stability of bench depth, the whole game hit 12 total hits, but unfortunately can not effectively fire serial, capture only one-third. One Jansson string, Guo Qi Dai, Liu Yuchen, Zhou G still maintain very hot hand, are single-game hit two hits, but unfortunately center wire Panwu Xiong, was to suppress high Day, ca not concatenate fire, take the overall situation.

Lions whistle 3 to 5, two-point defeat to swallow the war, the Lions tomorrow in Taichung Intercontinental Baseball Stadium Army for Shang Banji final rescheduling, adjust the Lions will introduce recent developments in the fight starting Lei Peng, and Xing Cattle farmers will launch a rookie starting Luo Cheng-lung.

 




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Patrick Dubuque writes for NotGraphs and The Hardball Times, and he served as former Bill Spaceman Lee Visiting Professor for Baseball Exploration at Pitchers & Poets. Follow him on Twitter @euqubud.


26 Responses to “Dan Reichert Leading League in Assassinations”

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  1. Dayn Perry says:

    Oh wow. This is almost too good.

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  2. scout1222 says:

    I hit the face!

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  3. bgrosnick says:

    I love that his line reads like a Jason Bourne novel. Way to go, Patrick.

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  4. Anthony says:

    ROFL

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  5. Joe P. says:

    33 hits to the face! I wonder if Robert 38′s hits to the face/assassinations ratio (HTFA) is among the league leaders.

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    • Yirmiyahu says:

      Any thoughts on what an “assassination” actually is? I assume “I hit the face” is “batters faced.”

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      • Joe P. says:

        Well, it looks like assassinations, help-kills and mistakes add up to the garrison opportunities. I think race number is the number of games in which he’s appeared. I’m guessing that line is his defensive stats: assassinations are putouts, help-kills are assists and mistakes are errors.

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        • Alt_n says:

          I thought that was the easiest one to figure out–that’s a pitcher’s fielding line. Nine assassinations, 13 help kills and 1 mistake give a total of 23 garrison opportunities and a garrison rate of .957.

          Assassinations = putouts.
          Help kills = assists.
          Mistakes = errors.
          Garrison opportunities = total chances.
          Garrison rate = fielding percentage.

          It’s pretty obviously a fielding line, since it is followed by the relatively clear “double play,” “triple play,”…um…”Catch yi,” and…uh…”pirates of the base resistance kill.”

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  6. glassSheets says:

    If you were to try and fabricate a box score solely from the fruits of your mind, the humor would have paled in comparison to the results from Google Chrome.

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  7. Temo says:

    I have no words for how awesome this is.

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  8. steex says:

    Given that these appear to be only pitching and defense stats, I can only assume that their offense stat equivalent to SB is “All your base are belong to us.”

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  9. Chris says:

    Perhaps the other teams should scout medics to help reduce the casualties they’re suffering from Robert 38.

    But seriously dude, camping n00bs with a sniper riffle isn’t cool, not even in Taiwanese Baseball.

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  10. AustinRHL says:

    This is absolute gold. I laughed aloud for a couple of minutes.

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  11. Jeff Zimmerman says:

    Now, I wonder if Dan, a diabetic, is still drinking into the whee hours of the morning like he used to in KC. I know people that made good money betting agianst KC when they spotted in the clubs late the day before he was to start.

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  12. TheGrandslamwich says:

    “Pirates of the base resistance kill”

    This is the reason I love Notgraphs.

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  13. Sam says:

    “Assassination” actually just means assassination. “Pirates of the base resistance kill” is basestealers thrown out.

    In other news, I went on the CPBL main page and “fantasy” is translated as “wind and cloud supreme pontiff.”

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  14. Fat Spiderman says:

    This might be the best thing ever.

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  15. Mike P says:

    Of course, Pirates of the Base Resistance Kill has to be adjusted by Garrison Rate (PIBARK/GARRR), or you get a misleading picture of how good the player is. Better to just use Sisi Qiu

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  16. tylerv says:

    Any attempt to make baseball more war-like and less picnic-like without actually changing the rules will surely gain the sport fans.

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  17. oneblankspace (i bai) says:

    Assassinations I think are PO, as they are listed next to Help Kills and Mistakes. PBRK I think is CS. I wonder what the literal Mandarin for a rundown is (In French, it’s a mousetrap).

    Wo bu ji dao.

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  18. Brian says:

    Sisi Qiu=4 dead balls=BB
    No 4 dead balls=No batters walked (in a game)
    Backing=Relief (appearances)
    Complete vote=Complete game (the Chinese verb of “pitch” and “vote” is one and the same)
    Rescue/Aid Lost/Relay=SV/BS/Hold
    Race number=Game appearances
    Garrison opp=Total chances
    Assassinations=Put out
    Help kill=Assist

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  19. Kris says:

    “Robert a military personal records”…. That was great …
    “Throws: right to play right hander”

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