Dayn Perry Denunciation Guide: Nolan Ryan Loyalists

What follows is, as you may have already surmised, pathetically derivative of the Eno Sarris Pronunciation Guide. Be that as it may, I am undaunted.

Because this, our Internet is in desperate need of a halfwit’s shrill fault-finding, I present to you the Dayn Perry Denunciation Guide, in which I full-throatedly condemn the sundry villains within and in dangerous proximity to our baseball.

This first episode shall hold up for merciless ridicule those who materially contribute to the deification of Nolan Ryan and his billions of unintentional walks.

Come with me, won’t you?

Nolan Ryan loyalists, consider yourselves denounced.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


14 Responses to “Dayn Perry Denunciation Guide: Nolan Ryan Loyalists”

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  1. yaboynate says:

    Classic Dr. Internet.

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  2. yaboynate says:

    Those looking to replace their false Nolan deity with the ONLY true Nolan, please consider The Only Nolan.

    http://www.fangraphs.com/statss.aspx?playerid=1009618&position=P

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    • Keegs says:

      Whaaaaaaat

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      • Will says:

        Dude has an awesome Wikipedia entry:

        “On May 21, Nolan set down the Milwaukee Grays with just 2 hits‚ but the Blues barely won the 6–5 game because of 11 errors and passed balls.[2] He was expelled by the team on August 14 when he told the team he was going to a funeral, but instead went drinking.”

        “At a National League meeting in Saratoga Springs, New York later that month, the league adopted a blacklist of players who were barred from playing for or against any NL teams until they were removed by unanimous vote of the league clubs. Nolan was one of the ten blacklisted for “confirmed dissipation and general insubordination.”

        (One of the others blacklisted was named “Buttercup” Dickson, which surely needs to be recycled.)

        “Bill James and Rob Neyer report Nolan has having thrown an unusually fast (for his day) underhand fastball.”

        “In the period following the Civil War, a wildly successful minstrel performer of the day, named Francis Leon, rose to prominence performing a burlesque act while simultaneously in both blackface and drag. His popularity prompted many imitators. In response, Leon began billing himself and his act as, “The Only Leon.” The theory follows then that Ed Nolan somehow reminded an observer of Leon, thus sparking the similar nickname.”

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  3. Hitler But Sadder says:

    Both Nolan “Old Balls” Ryan and Robin “Bloodied By Nolan ‘Old Balls’ Ryan” Ventura are excellent examples you give your children of men who exemplify the best methods to not getting presented with heterosexual sex… Which I explain daily to many children, not just my own.

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  4. MSpitz says:

    This is wonderful

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  5. BubbaNoTrubba says:

    I don’t get it.

    Is there some hidden irony in this that I don’t understand?

    Someone please enlighten me.

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  6. JuanPierreDoesSteroids says:

    Ignoring whether or not Nolan “pitching Pete Rose” Ryan was an all time great…

    I’ve never understood the “Ventura didn’t get beat” arguement. Ryan had him in a headlock and punched him in the face like 4 times. Sure, Ventura did get him into a headlock. But that was after the tidal wave that was the Sox bench collided with the mound and ripped Ryan off of him. When the only reason you can claim to win a fight is because your friends ripped the other guy off you, then you didn’t win the fight.

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  7. Schide says:

    Get out.

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  8. A Swine says:

    Hey, leave my people out of this nonsense, you shameless troll!

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  9. Nav says:

    The pig noise was my favourite part.

    I love you, Dayn. I don’t tell you enough.

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