Deadline Deals In My House

buyers_and_sellers

I trade one empty garbage bag to my wife for one full garbage bag I have to bring outside before 8:30 a.m.

My nine-month-old son trades one clean teething ring to put in his mouth for one toy that has been sitting on the floor for weeks, also to put in his mouth.

I trade the last piece of toilet paper for a new roll to be named later.

My wife trades me one baby to hold in exchange for two minutes to go to the bathroom.

In a three-way trade, my son trades his dirty diaper to my wife, she gives me his pooped-on shirt, and I give him a clean diaper and a sort-of-clean shirt.

My wife trades me her supermarket loyalty card in exchange for me going to buy groceries.

My son trades the meal he just ate for seventeen paper towels to clean up the floor he just vomited on, and a bath.

I trade sleep for having had a child.

My wife trades me for someone who can thrive on much less sleep.

My son trades all of his toys for a delicious piece of a used napkin, because they both have the same value to him.

I trade the mention of Justin Masterson and Jon Lester for a baby to lull to sleep, because clearly if I have time to read baseball headlines, I am not busy enough and should be the one getting the baby to nap.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


10 Responses to “Deadline Deals In My House”

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  1. Jeff says:

    As a father with children who are now old enough to not poop themselves, I both salute & pity you!!!

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  2. Snipped says:

    I trade one vasectomy for a lifetime of sleep, fiscal freedom, and an existential crisis about my own mortality to be named later.

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  3. Canucklesndwch says:

    Wonderful. #noteverythingcanbeexplainedingraphs #brevity

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  4. ljc says:

    #KeepNotGraphs

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  5. Wobatus says:

    My wife lost her job so I traded having her income which basically paid for gas and childcare for sleeping by myself in my daughter’s bed because I have to go to work and make a “living” while my 5-year-old daughter sleeps with my wife in our bed with the newborn in the crib next to them.

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  6. me says:

    Judging by the general lack of sleep, I’m starting to think that while you were in the midst of negotiations for creating a child you should have… um… pulled out.

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  7. Jenstrom says:

    I have no biological clock.

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