Dear Mark Cuban, Please Come Own My Baseball Team

I know little about basketball. You throw a ball — much like every American sport — and there is jumping and falling and whistling. And they have steals too, but you actually get something for the steal (a ball). Keeping the stolen ball after the game, I am told, is bad form, though.

Anyway, it turns out there was a recent championship contest, and since the Bulls of Chicago were not involved, I had already cast the sport into a waste bin titled “No Derrick Rose makes me sad” — but my decision may have been premature. Tom Tango passes along this viral video, in which we see an advanced analysis owner — Mark Cuban — clobber most cruelly an old-school television sensationalist — Skip Bayless — during the post-championship live analysis.

Observe!

• Embarrassed newsmen on the left, willfully abstaining from the conversation like a friend visiting a friend’s house when the parents suddenly begin a lurid argument.
• A flustered newsman on the right, so shaken it makes the very people rooting AGAINST him empathetically nervous.
• An argument won using the generality: “All you do is use generalities.”

Imagine if, say, the Royals were owned by Mark Cuban. What would that franchise look like in five years? Or even one year? Oh well, it’s good the league has — BASKETBALL TERM — boxed Cuban out so that we can have the Frank McCourt’s and Sam Zell’s of the world. Great success!