Democrazy: Who Is the Face of MLB?

Face of MLB

I remain horrified by the ongoing ravages of unchecked democracy today, as I peruse the latest results of MLB’s profoundly stupid Face of MLB Twitter contest. Not only has Arizona turned out in overwhelming numbers to allow Paul Goldschmidt to roundly trounce Mike Trout, but now he’s got a good lead on Joey Votto.

While the Goldschmidt campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train (even as he may be contaminating the planet in a manner that may one day render it uninhabitable), and may very well be primed to go all the way to the end, there are several faces that the voters, in their infinite wisdom don’t even get to consider. All of them would be far better choices than anyone still alive in the tournament (Eric Sogard? Puh-lease!)

Here now is where I turn the choosing of the alternative face of Major League Baseball over to you, the people, so you can demonstrate what a terrible decision I have made and provide more evidence as to why democracy debases us all and brings even the greatest man low.

Eric Chavez

 

Destroyer of laptops and my personal nemesis, Chavez will earn $3.5 million in 2014, which figures to be about the average salary for a MLB player.

Alex Rodriguez

 alex-rodriguez

If you think the game is forever stained by the use of PEDs, he is your poster boy.

Vin Scully

 Vin Scully

He has broadcast games featuring virtually every important ballplayer since 1950, is everyone’s favorite grandfather, and continues to serve as the game’s greatest ambassador from the broadcast booth.

Dan Shaughnessy

 dan_shaughnessy

Writers have effectively hijacked the HOF, and view themselves as the keepers of the game’s legacy. Let them have it.

Clark the Cub

 Clark

Cute and cuddly, safe and testing well for kids from ages 2-12 (so long as he’s not sporting a dong), Clark is the crystallization of modern corporate baseball made flesh and fur.

Deranged Joe Mauer

 Crazed Mauer

His calm demeanor finally gone, Joe’s finally flipped his lid, and who knows what he’s capable of if he’s not appeased?!?

If none of those meet your needs, please propose alternatives in the usual place.

 




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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here: http://www.twitter.com/commnman


17 Responses to “Democrazy: Who Is the Face of MLB?”

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  1. ERIC SOGARD says:

    ERIC SOGARD DOE

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  2. Mario Mendoza says:

    Joe Maddon’s Glasses

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  3. Grant says:

    I would like to see a head to head faceoff of deranged joe mauer and regular joe mauer. Because he is so awesome.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Dan Shaughnessy says:

    Don’t get all holier-than-thou about us writers being holier-than-thou. We’ve earned the right.

    I can damn well get on Barry Bonds’ case about going the PED route to reclaim his supremacy among the baseball elite. Because you see, no matter how much I was tempted, I would never stoop to using steroids to regain my resemblance to Carrot Top.

    +7 Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Evan says:

    I typed “the face” into Baseball References search box and it came back with Roy Face. That means he’s the face of baseball.

    +7 Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Luke says:

    Yadier Molina’s neck tattoos!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. The Return of Rambo Diaz says:

    Banknotes Harper

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  8. Brendan says:

    I love Clark.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. The High Numbers says:

    I’m The Face

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  10. dwezil says:

    Sadly from the headline, the face that came to mind was Bud Selig. Need some eye bleach now.

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  11. david says:

    russell wilson FTW

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  12. RA Rowe says:

    Dayn “Bottomsider” Perry

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  13. Eric F says:

    Smokin’ Bud Selig gets my vote!

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  14. Kiel says:

    You mock sogard? You need to get your finger on the pulse of the back to back al west champs. It’s a baseball division FYI.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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