Too often, we use NotGraphs as a forum to satisfy our own whimsicality. We find things funny and silly and crack jokes and make everyone’s day a little brighter.
That’s stupid. Life is at once a long slag that is over too soon. Every one of us will get our hearts broken, will lose people we love, and feel like we’re a crushing disappointment to our families and friends. And if you don’t, you almost certainly should because you’re probably insufferable. We are, all of us, lucky if we make it to the end of this life with our wits relatively intact and we leave this world with as many holes in our bodies as we came in with.
It is in the spirit of reminding you that life is pain, Princess, and anyone who tells you any different is selling something, that I present to you the most existentially troubling and depressing statements about player injuries from the past week:
“I couldn’t feel my shoulder.” -Felix Doubront, Boston Red Sox starter, after being removed from a game against the Blue Jays yesterday with a dead arm.
It’s hard to feel anything these days, I know, given how numb we’ve all gotten to each other’s pain. How can you even know if your shoulder is there?
“A couple of coaches took a bite and didn’t like what they saw and threw the rest away.” -Ryne Sandberg, Philadelphia Phillies manager, who decided to keep eating his hamburger, and wound up with food poisoning.
And, yet, you ate it anyway. Because you had to feel something, anything, other than the gnawing hunger for something inexplicable that never seems to be quite filled. Even if it was gastric distress.
“At this point he is limited to taking slow walks as he waits for the symptoms to disappear.” -Minnesota Twins beat reporter Mike Bernardino, on Sam Fuld’s recovery from a concussion, and the setback he suffered.
To be so incapacitated, like a baby, unable to fend for yourself. Sam Fuld is like a baby deer who needs protecting, but whose mother was just hit crossing Interstate 80. I hope someone takes him in.
“Every sneeze, every movement, right away, it grabbed. I’d be trying to get ready for the game and every time my heel hit the ground, it was shooting pain.” -Joe Mauer, Minnesota Twins first baseman, on his back problems.
How much of his $188 million extension would Joe Mauer pay to be able to take Sam Fuld’s slow walks without pain? Clearly, you can’t buy your way out of this crisis.
“Police have gathered evidence and collected witness statements.” -Fox Sports’ Jon Morosi, quoting Scott Boras, regarding Miguel Olivo biting off Alex Guerrero’s ear in a dugout brawl.
Random violence is bad enough in that everyone is vulnerable sometimes, and it’s impossible to constantly be prepared and on your guard. But Alex Guerrero felt safe, in his own dugout, with his teammates, who were supposed to be protecting him. Then one of them turned on him when he least suspected it.
“We were in first place…. It probably wasn’t the smartest thing but this is my team and I give my life to my team. That was the right call.” -Jose Fernandez, Miami Marlins starter, on pitching through elbow pain and eventually needing Tommy John Surgery.
It’s a noble sentiment, until you account for the fact that it’s May and Fernandez plays for the Marlins, so his sacrifice is ultimately meaningless. All it has done is deprive the world of him for a year.
“There’s always that possibility a player may not make it back….You just kind of keep your fingers crossed.” -Joe Girardi, New York Yankees manager, on CC Sabathia’s mysterious, degenerative knee problems.
Ultimately, that’s the worry we should all have about everything all the time. We keep making it back until that one time when we don’t, and that’s when we’re done.
Now, go think about how cruel this world is, and how perhaps it’s best not to get too attached to anyone, lest they die horribly or let you down.
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