The future Hall of Famer said the idea came to him in a cold sweat, in the middle of the night on Saturday — a rare night that he spent alone.
“It sorta reminded me of that movie — what’s that movie? Jerry Magruber? With Charlie Sheen and Calista Frockert? You know how the guy wakes up and writes something down that ends up changing his life? Well, I didn’t write anything down, but otherwise it was sorta like that.”
Formerly reserved for women with whom Jeter shared a one-night stand, Derek Jeter Gift Baskets will now be given to many more people. Thanks to a press release from Jeter’s publicist, here is a complete list of the newly eligible parties:
• teammates who hit grand slams
• Yankees starting pitchers who produce a Quality Start (limit one per month)
• Yankees relief pitchers who strike out the side in a perfect inning
• reporters who can interview him in the locker room after a game without blatantly looking at his dong (includes a little gold microphone pendant that creatively incorporates the Yankees logo and the number 2 — Jeter thought this up in a second, sleep-interrupting cold sweat on Sunday night)
• pretty women who smile at him from across the room (includes a martini and a wink)
• his first and second cousins (mailed upon request; contiguous United States only)
• American Olympic gold medalists
• everyone he passes on the career hit list from now on (the signed ball included in the gift basket will be the one that he hit to pass them on the list, excluding, of course, Pete Rose)
• children in the first row behind the Yankees dugout
• the Sudanese child he sponsors via UNICEF (includes a gold pendant in the shape of a sheaf of wheat that creatively incorporates the Yankees’ logo and the number 2)
• selected retweeters
• his mother
• Charlie Sheen
• any player whose name can be made into a catchy nickname by adding the suffix “-Rod”
Jeter added, “I thought to myself, I have all of these gift baskets, and there are lots of people who would like to have one, but not all people would even have a shot at getting one because not all people are extremely attractive women, ages 25-33, who live in Manhattan. I was starting to feel selfish.”
Navin Vaswani, senior pseudo-psychologist for the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team, weighed the evidence provided to him by the team and came up with an ulterior motivation behind the expanded gift basket roster.
“The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team tracks a number of things very closely,” Vaswani said. “Among those things are, one, Derek Jeter’s hook-ups, and, two, production and delivery of Derek Jeter Gift Baskets. Our numbers show that Gift Basket production has been steady since Jeter broke up with Minka Kelly — he must have a standing order that’s shipped to his Trump Tower apartment monthly. Furthermore, his hook-up numbers are way down over the last several months. In fact, he hasn’t hooked up with anyone since before the All-Star break.* His OkCupid account has gone dormant, etc.”
Vaswani shook his head in mock pity. “This leads me to conclude that Derek Jeter is profoundly lonely.”
Jeter seemed pleased with himself, however. “Just a little something to brighten some days, you know?” Looking off into the distance, a broad smile spreading across his face, he added, “If they make a movie about this one day, maybe Charlie Sheen could play me.”
*Actually, it appears as though Mr. Jeter is kinda sorta seeing Ralph Lauren model Hannah Davis.