Derek Norris Comes Out as Baseball’s First Openly Feral Player

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OAKLAND — When Derek Norris took his place behind home plate on Wednesday, he did so not merely as a member of the Oakland A’s, but also as a representative of a different group — namely, the United States’ small but real population of feral adult humans. While certain ballplayers have acknowledged their true identities following retirement, Norris is the first to have revealed his secret while still active.

Adorned by unkempt hair and a beard flecked with the entrails of small forest creatures, Norris (pictured above) made history on Wednesday when he caught the first pitch of the game at Coliseum — a ball to Cleveland’s Asdrubal Cabrera.

Ever since making his circumstances known during the offseason, Norris has been an outspoken proponent of feral rights. “Just because I was abandoned as a child and raised by carnivorous animals and even once killed a human man for food, that doesn’t affect how I play the game or my desire to play it,” Norris stated during a pre-game interview on Wednesday, after which comment he fell onto all fours and sniffed the clubhouse floor intently.

Known as one willing to embrace any and all competitive advantage, Oakland GM Billy Beane admits to having known about his catcher’s true self even before trading Gio Gonzalez to the Nationals in exchange for Norris and others at the end of 2011.

“People have gotten pretty excited — I’d say overexcited — about attempting to identify the next so-called ‘market inefficiency,'” remarked Beane. “That said, feral humans have a lot to offer as ballplayers, owing to years both of fighting and flight-ing. There’s a lot of overlap there with baseball skill. Someone just needed to say, ‘Hey, these guys belong here.'”

Already 2-for-3 in Oakland’s game against Cleveland as of press time (live box), Norris appears likely to continue demonstrating his value as a ballplayer, whether feral or not.

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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.

14 Responses to “Derek Norris Comes Out as Baseball’s First Openly Feral Player”

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  1. Joe says:

    Within 30 seconds of this article being posted, Norris hit a single and is now 3-for-4 on the day.

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  2. cass says:

    Jayson Werth?

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  3. overlookhotel says:

    Brian Wilson’s hair is somewhere between Hobo and Homo Habilis at this point

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  4. Mantle's Crosshairs says:

    Wasn’t John Farrell the first openly feral player?

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    • Dimaggio's Iron Leg says:

      John Farrell was not the first feral player, but yes, he was the first openly feral player. As more players become comfortable in admitting their feral-ness, we might find out more current players are feral.

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  5. reillocity says:

    Totally comfortable wallowing in urine and feces, too – reminds him of the good ol’ days.

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  6. James Harden says:

    Glad that Norris is open and proud. Great day for MLB!

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  7. Gary Busey says:

    There are dozens of us! Dozens!

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  8. Mike Piazza says:

    I wish I had Derek Norris’ courage, man.

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  9. Mike Green says:

    Identity politics is so 2006. Didn’t the Book disprove the commonly-held notion that cis-specied players were better in the clutch than other players?

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