Don Zimmer Has an Average Face

You are curious about things…things like quantum mechanics, birds and bees, mustaches, the funny feeling you get when a pretty girl or boy walks by, the lyric poetry of John Donne, why you have hair in new places, and the exploits of the extremely agéd… and it is in that latter vein that I present to you yet more news about Don Zimmer’s face.

Now, you’ll recall from last week that our belovéd Zim look exactly like my belovéd daughter, for his is a beautiful face.  It is also, apparently, highly average.  This information comes to us by way of the good people at Gillette.  Observe:

Many questions does this commercial bring up.  Chief among them:

  • How many fingers did Pee Wee break with that bunting technique?
  • What slippery substance coats Pee Wee’s uniform, making it impossible for him to keep his hand on his hip?
  • How much more self-respect do you have when you are clean-shaved?
  • Why does a man named Pee Wee need a heavy razor?
  • Why is Pee Wee spending so much time with boys?
  • Does Pee Wee enjoy baseball and kids or baseballin’ kids?  Which one is less disconcerting?
  • Is Pee Wee Reese’s face an erogenous zone?
  • A dollar, twenty-nine?  Say, buster, what kind of racket are you runnin’ here?
  • And finally, how many men did Roy Campanella have to murder after they implied that he had sensitive skin?

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Mike Bates co-founded The Platoon Advantage, and has written for many other baseball websites, including NotGraphs (rest in peace) and The Score. Currently, he writes for MLB Daily Dish on SB Nation. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter @MikeBatesSBN.

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