Dr. James Andrews Will See You Now

Dr. James Andrews will see you now.

He understands that your arm is in a lot of pain. But what about your heart?

Dr. James Andrews knows the path to true healing starts with your biggest muscle – your soul.

So, tell him. What ails you? No, not that. He knows of the partial tear in your UCL. He’ll get to that in a minute. What really ails you? Do you feel that repairing your elbow will fulfill you as a person? Dr. James Andrews wants you to forget about the distractions in your life for a moment. Forget about your job, your family, your obligations. Allow the waves of existence and self-realization to wash over you. How do you feel now? Shut the fuck up about your elbow for a minute, Dr. James Andrews is trying to heal you as a person, not a baseball player.

OK, fine. On to the examination. Please stand up and extend your right arm straight out from your body. Point your fingers at the wall and stretch them as far out as it can go. Now, take all the stresses of your life, funnel them from your brain down your neck, through your shoulder and arm and shoot them out of your fingers at the wall. I want you to bust up the plaster with your fears and insecurities. Dr. James Andrews does not appreciate your muffled giggles.

Now drop your arm to your side and face your palm toward Dr. James Andrews. Have you ever heard of chakra? Do not roll your eyes at Dr. James Andrews.

If you refuse to take this seriously, then this exam is complete. It’s not Dr. James Andrews’ fault you are only interested in healing the sack of meat that carries your inner being around. You want a damaged soul? You want to spend the remainder of your insignificant days feeling empty and unappeased? Your call. No skin off Dr. James Andrews’ back.

Dr. James Andrews was told in a recent review that he needs to work on his bedside manner.

Dr. James Andrews would like you to take this personality test.

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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.

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This is amazing….well done!