eBay’s Five Most Marvelous and Currently Available Ballcaps

Recently, in these electronic pages, the author drove significantly more traffic than usual by means of a post alerting the public to five ballcaps of great merit available (at that time) on internet auction house eBay.com. What follows represents a nakedly desperate attempt to re-create that rare success.

To wit:


Montreal Expos 20th Anniversary Hat (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: 28 days, 23 hours
Cost: US $25.00 (Buy It Now)

Some will argue that beauty is subjective. Ancient mathematician Euclid, who explored in some depth the idea of the Golden Ratio, would argue that those people are super wrong. What else he’d probably argue is that, among all the ballcaps currently available on eBay, this vintage and white Expos one is manifestly the most appealing. Of note for potential buyers: there’s no indication from the relevant auction page whether Jonah Keri is or isn’t included in the purchase price.


Dominate the State

Pepsi “Dominate the State” Michigan Corduroy Cap (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: 5 days, 19 hours
Cost: US $24.99 (Starting Bid)

It’s not immediately clear from the product description precisely who or what was attempting to dominate the state of Michigan when this cap was manufactured. One assumes, however — from the information available to us regarding that state, I mean — one assumes that the answer is probably something along the lines either of “rampant unemployment” or, alternatively, “crippling unemployment.”



Toronto Argonauts Corduroy Hat (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: N/A
Cost: US $95.00 (Buy It Now)

Argo is a 2012 film in which a CIA agent helps to extricate employees of the American embassy in Iran under the pretense that he and they are a Canadian film crew scouting locations. The Argonauts, for their part, are an alleged American football team playing within the fictional Canadian Football League. This hat, one find himself concluding, is merely a prop in a much larger conspiracy.


Blue Jays

Toronto Blue Jays Cap (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: N/A
Cost: US $30.00 (Buy It Now)

It’s maybe true, but probably false, that Tsar Ivan IV blinded the architect who designed St. Basil’s Cathedral so that he could never re-create the masterpiece elsewhere. It’s definitely true, and not at all false, that Kelly Gruber chewed off the face of the designer responsible for the typeface depicted here — not so he could never re-create it elsewhere, but merely because Kelly Gruber knows how to party.



USA Baseball Hat, 1990s (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: 7 hours, 54 minutes
Cost: US $9.99

This cap is ideal for those among us who are concerned about developing spontaneous amnesia. “I don’t know who I am, exactly,” one might say in such an instance, “but if this hat is any indication, I likely come from the United States and have certain feelings for baseball.”

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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

11 Responses to “eBay’s Five Most Marvelous and Currently Available Ballcaps”

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  1. tz says:

    2 out of the 5 actually have to do with the US.

    Cistulli’s batting .400!

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  2. cass says:

    That Expos cap would be perfect for a hipster who was interested in attending a Nationals game in Washington, DC.

    Must resist.

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  3. Steve says:

    $95.00 is surely a great deal for that Argos hat.

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  4. The Return of Rambo Diaz says:

    Pretty sure that it’s Banknotes Harper that’s not only interested in, but actively consummating, the domination of Michigan.

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  5. So does the guy who sold the Expos lid to some zealous NotGrapher give Cistulli a commission?

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  6. GilaMonster says:

    I’m a big fan of this hat. Obscure place? Yup. Mythological monster playing baseball. Sign me up.


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  7. dang says:

    Carson –

    You mustn’t pass up the opportunity to have five hats to track. Especially five hats of such exceptional quality.

    – Dang

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  8. I'm Toivo says:

    Anyone can see that is a stealth Youpper attack on the LP, cause there’s no UP on the cap and it’s all the LP that’s gonna be dominated like it should. We been waitin’ too long for this one, it’s gonna be a beaut.
    They’ll be eatin’ pasties in Detroit soon and liking it too, or my name ain’t Toivo. Verlander, I’m talkin’ to you.

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