eBay’s Five Most Marvelous and Currently Available Ballcaps

It’s a truth as old as time, if not somehow older: the most immediate way to apprise the world of one’s virtues as a human person is not by means of wealth or education or spiritual excellence, but rather by the purchase and then subsequent vesting of an excellent ballcap.

In the service of doing that exact thing, the author has recently inspected popular online retailer eBay with a view towards identifying those ballcaps which might most ably cultivate a sense of what Andre Breton referred to as “the marvelous” and what Kanye West referred to more recently, probably, as “a celebration.”

Lawmen

Anderson Lawmen New Era Hat (Link)
Style: Fitted (7 3/8)
Time Left: 19 days, 8 hours
Cost: US $29.99 (Buy It Now)

The Lawmen, according to Baseball Reference, were an Indiana-based independent-league team which belonged, first, to the Mid-America League and then, after that, the Heartland League. I have it on decent, if not good, authority that anyone who wears this hat is automatically deputized in whichever municipality he currently resides.

***

BD

Bull Durham Corduroy Cap (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: 1 day, 23 hours
Cost: US $39.99 (Starting Bid)

This would appear to be some manner of promotional item from the film of the same name. One notes that the material is corduroy — a fabric which announces to the world “not only have I made love, but I plan on making it in the future.” The hotel hallway carpet on which the hat has been placed does nothing to contradict that sentiment.

***

Reds

Cincinnati Reds Striped Mest Hat (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: 4 days, 3 hours
Cost: US $9.99 (Starting Bid)

With the exception of the mesh back — which won’t appeal to everyone, certainly — this is actually a well-designed hat, combining the classical virtue of the Reds historic logo with a font (CINN, REDS) that, not unlike cocaine or an IROC-Z full of cocaine, compels one to relive the 1980s, even against his or her will.

***

Pirates

Pittsburgh Pirates 1994 All Star Game Hat (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: 4 days, 5 hours
Cost: US $19.99 (Starting Bid)

Sometimes it’s difficult for the consumer to decide whether he would like to purchase a hat or, otherwise, a uniform top. This item from the 1994 All Star Game in Pittsburgh allows one to have, if not the best, then at least definitely parts, of both worlds. The potential buyer is advised to consider seller philthecubfan’s note regarding the product in question: “has a stain on the inside of the bill. look at picture 5.” Curiously, these are almost the same words the author uttered to his wife in re her engagement ring.

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Scout

The Scout Movie Cap (Albert Brooks) Never Worn (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: 3 hours, 3 minutes
Cost: US $5.95 (Starting Bid)

In the film The Scout, Brendan Fraser’s Steve Nebraska signs a $55 million contract with the New York Yankees, although (curiously) there appears to be no mention of the length of said deal. This, and no other reason, is what makes the film unwatchable for Dave Cameron.




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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.


12 Responses to “eBay’s Five Most Marvelous and Currently Available Ballcaps”

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  1. Stanley says:

    That Bull Durham hat is for Bull Durham brand cigarettes.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Bobby Higginson says:

    That Lawmen hat is phresh to death yo

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. John Elway says:

    Whose face is on the “Bull Durham” cap?

    Leon Durham? Greg Luzinski? It sure doesn’t look like Tim Robbins.

    It must be the GM of the Durham Bulls. My best guess – just naying.

    +7 Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. RunTeddyRun says:

    To be most awesome, to overwhelm all you meet with not only your baseball acumen but also the depth of your nerdery and breadth of fucks-not-givinghood, one needs only a fistful of whiskey and this cap: http://www.ebay.com/itm/Star-Trek-Deep-Space-Nine-Niners-Logo-Patch-Baseball-Hat-Cap-NEW-UNWORN-/360760041918?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item53fef961be

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • kevinthecomic says:

      Who would ever wear this hat?

      I mean, I guess if the crew of the enterprise played softball once they knocked of work or something. Maybe they had games against the Klingons or Romulans in order to raise money for charity?

      But man, other than this one pretty specific example, again, who would ever wear this hat?

      Vote -1 Vote +1

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