eBay’s Five Most Marvelous and Currently Available Ballcaps

It’s a truth as old as time, if not somehow older: the most immediate way to apprise the world of one’s virtues as a human person is not by means of wealth or education or spiritual excellence, but rather by the purchase and then subsequent vesting of an excellent ballcap.

In the service of doing that exact thing, the author has recently inspected popular online retailer eBay with a view towards identifying those ballcaps which might most ably cultivate a sense of what Andre Breton referred to as “the marvelous” and what Kanye West referred to more recently, probably, as “a celebration.”

Lawmen

Anderson Lawmen New Era Hat (Link)
Style: Fitted (7 3/8)
Time Left: 19 days, 8 hours
Cost: US $29.99 (Buy It Now)

The Lawmen, according to Baseball Reference, were an Indiana-based independent-league team which belonged, first, to the Mid-America League and then, after that, the Heartland League. I have it on decent, if not good, authority that anyone who wears this hat is automatically deputized in whichever municipality he currently resides.

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BD

Bull Durham Corduroy Cap (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: 1 day, 23 hours
Cost: US $39.99 (Starting Bid)

This would appear to be some manner of promotional item from the film of the same name. One notes that the material is corduroy — a fabric which announces to the world “not only have I made love, but I plan on making it in the future.” The hotel hallway carpet on which the hat has been placed does nothing to contradict that sentiment.

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Reds

Cincinnati Reds Striped Mest Hat (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: 4 days, 3 hours
Cost: US $9.99 (Starting Bid)

With the exception of the mesh back — which won’t appeal to everyone, certainly — this is actually a well-designed hat, combining the classical virtue of the Reds historic logo with a font (CINN, REDS) that, not unlike cocaine or an IROC-Z full of cocaine, compels one to relive the 1980s, even against his or her will.

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Pirates

Pittsburgh Pirates 1994 All Star Game Hat (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: 4 days, 5 hours
Cost: US $19.99 (Starting Bid)

Sometimes it’s difficult for the consumer to decide whether he would like to purchase a hat or, otherwise, a uniform top. This item from the 1994 All Star Game in Pittsburgh allows one to have, if not the best, then at least definitely parts, of both worlds. The potential buyer is advised to consider seller philthecubfan’s note regarding the product in question: “has a stain on the inside of the bill. look at picture 5.” Curiously, these are almost the same words the author uttered to his wife in re her engagement ring.

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Scout

The Scout Movie Cap (Albert Brooks) Never Worn (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: 3 hours, 3 minutes
Cost: US $5.95 (Starting Bid)

In the film The Scout, Brendan Fraser’s Steve Nebraska signs a $55 million contract with the New York Yankees, although (curiously) there appears to be no mention of the length of said deal. This, and no other reason, is what makes the film unwatchable for Dave Cameron.



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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.


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Stanley
Guest
Stanley

That Bull Durham hat is for Bull Durham brand cigarettes.

Compton
Guest
Compton

That hat is best worn while smoking this brand of cigarette, after making love, in the future.

MustBunique
Guest
Member

She likes to eat popsicles after you make love.

Stuck in a Slump
Guest
Stuck in a Slump

Personally, I’d prefer to be tied down and read Walt Whitman poetry by a woman in lingerie.

rorschach
Guest
rorschach

this is the notgraphs readership in a line

Nevin
Guest
Nevin

Limpid jets of love…. Hey, Stuck In A Slump, does that mean what I think it means? ‘Limpid jets of love’?

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