Eight Popular and Not Fake Baseball Drinking Games

The Leaders of Tomorrow work hard and play harder and smile hardest.

Because both (a) life is a cavalcade of miseries and (b) alcohol famously offers consequence-free relief from said miseries, it follows that (c) no further incentives need exist for its (i.e. alcohol’s) consumption.

And yet, it is not uncommon to find — in particular, among the Leaders of Tomorrow — to find games designed to facilitate and make more amusing the consumption of alcoholic beverages.

Below are eight examples of real baseball-related drinking games discovered by the present site’s Investigative Reporting Investigation Team and not actually just invented right now by the author, sitting at his dumb writing table.

1. Take a small sip of chablis for every infield fly hit by Joey Votto. (Note: for light drinkers.)

2. Drink a beer for every mention of FanGraphs on a Cubs television broadcast.

3. During a Dodgers home broadcast, take a sip every time you secretly wish Vin Scully would hold you and whisper that everything is okay before commencing a meaningful anecdote about Sandy Koufax.

4. Take a sip for every pitch Jose Molina frames for a strike.

5. Drink an ochoko‘s worth of sake every time Yu Darvish ravishes an opponent figuratively or literally. (Note: culturally relevant beverage!)

6. Divide the number of open seats at a Marlins home game by 1,000. Drink that many ounces of delicious sangria. (Note: culturally relevant beverage, probably!)

7. During an Atlanta Braves game, drink every time the opposition broadcast mentions that Evan Gattis was a janitor. (Credit to gentleman of the internet Andy Jenkins for this discovery.)

8. After listening to the radio broadcast of a Red Sox game, drink every time you catch yourself humming and/or singing the Giant Glass jingle. Continue drinking until this stops happening/you’re at the hospital.

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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

10 Responses to “Eight Popular and Not Fake Baseball Drinking Games”

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  1. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    Ladies: ask me about the rules to the baseball sex game.

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  2. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    After listening to FanGraphs Audio, drink every time you catch yourself humming a tune by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. Continue drinking until this stops happening/you’re at the hospital.

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    • CB says:

      Omg it never stops… My wife has never heard an episode but could sing you that song note for note… It seeps out of me at the most inappropriate moments…

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    • pickle cars says:

      This calls for a crowdsourced game:

      1 drink for every use of the word “serviceable”.
      1 drink for every joke Carson tells
      1 drink for every reference to pre-5pm drinking by host or guest
      1 sip for every curse by a guest (3 if by Dave Cameron)
      1 sip for every disapproving sigh Carson makes after a guest curses
      1 sip for every dead player mentioned (extend for 5 seconds if that player was a known racist)
      1 absinthe shot for every Rimbaud reference
      1 sake shot for every mention of glorious seppuku.
      1 natty light for each mention of Robert Baumann’s debt
      1 Newcastle for every Melvyn Bragg reference
      1 Chelada for every episode containing the expression “Blood on his/her/your/my hands”

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  3. Clayton says:

    I’m trying to picture in my head what it looks like to see Yu Darvish literally ravish someone.

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  4. AC of DC says:

    As someone who comes into frequent and unpleasing contact with many Leaders of Tomorrow — and far more often with their Sycophantic Toadies of Tomorrow — I can confirm that they imbibe excessively and at all times; such activity constitutes, in essence, the only thing they actually do. However, the particular games herein described need remain the domain of those outside society’s loftier tiers, for the Leaders of Tomorrow know all of jackshit about baseball, and in any case tend to find rules — and all applications of language — confusing and unnecessary.

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  5. NickCave says:

    No amount of ravishing, be it figurative or literal, is going to make me forget that the word “ravish” basically means, in this context, “rape,” which in this context, seems, you know, a bit of an overreaction.

    “Ravage,” maybe?

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